120+ Woody Allen Quotes That are Totally Hilarious

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Woody Allen quotes
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Woody Allen Quotes that are totally hilarious. There are so many Woody Allen quotes that can help you when you are tired of being in the same old rut, and all you need is a little push, a little inspiration, a smile on the face, change of mood, bring you out of the banality of life, make you laugh a little, or may even make you cry a bit, and these Woody Allen quotes exists just do that.

Allan Stewart Konigsberg born on December 1, 1935 is known to the American film industry as Heywood “Woody” Allen or Woody Allen is a director, actor, writer and comedian spanning about six decades in his career. Aged 83, he was born in Brooklyn, New York City, United States.

Beginning his career as a comedy writing artist, Allen wrote jokes and scripts for television and published several books of short humour stories in the 1950s. He performed as a stand-comedian in early 1960s, rather than traditional jokes he emphasized monologues. He developed the persona of an intellectual, fretful, insecure, nebbish personality which he maintains which is different from his real-life personality.

Allen was ranked fourth on the list of 100 greatest stand-up comedians by Comedy Central in 2004 and while he was ranked third-greatest comedian by a United Kingdom survey. He started writing and directing films by the mid-1960s, specializing first in slapstick comedies later into dramatic material in the 1970s. Alternating between dramas and comedies till now.

Allen is identified often as part of the New Hollywood wave of filmmakers of the 1960s to 1970s. Described as “a treasure of the cinema” by the critic Roger Ebert, his best 50 films include Annie Hall in 1977, Manhattan in 1979, Hannah and her sisters in 1986 and Crimes and Misdemeanors in 1989. Stardust Memories in 1980, The Purple Rose of Cairo in 1985 and Match point in 2005 were his best films, he said in 2007. Allen usually stars in his films in the same persona he developed during his startups. Film biography Woody Allen: A Documentary was telecasted on the American Masters TV series by Public Broadcasting Service in 2011.

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Allen has bagged many honours and awards throughout his career. Three Best Original Screenplay and one Best Director, Allen has a total of four Academy Awards. He also received a total of nine British Academy Film Awards. The Writers Guild of America’s list of the “101 Funniest Screenplays”, Annie Hall was named funniest screenplay. He is presently shooting a new film starring Christoph Waltz in Spain.

We have dug up these Woody Allen quotes from the depths of the internet and brought together best of these sayings in a single article. This post is probably the biggest database of Woody Allen Sayings in a single place. These famous Woody Allen quotes have the power to change your life by giving a novel outlook about the way you observe different aspects of your life. Hence, these popular Woody Allen quotes should be read with caution and proper understanding of the context. Here are tons of Woody Allen quotes that will open a treasure chest of Wisdom and experiences: –

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

Woody Allen best quotes

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“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

Woody Allen quotes“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

Woody Allen popular quotes“I’m not anti-social. I’m just not social.”

Woody Allen saying

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

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Woody Allen famous quotes

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“In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people’s home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!”

“Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.”

“The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.”

“To you, I’m an atheist.To God, I’m the loyal opposition.”

“Is sex dirty? Only when it’s being done right.”

“God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.”

“Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

“To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.”

“Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.”

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“I just can’t listen to any more Wagner, you know…I’m starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.”

“Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.”

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don’t want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.”

“I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That’s the two categories. The horrible are like, I don’t know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don’t know how they get through life. It’s amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you’re miserable, because that’s very lucky, to be miserable.”

“It’s a match made in heaven…by a retarded angel.”

“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”

“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.”

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.”

“If it turns out that there is a God…the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.”

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

“Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.”

“If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.”

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”

“There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.”

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”

“The heart wants what it wants.”

“Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, ‘Be fruitful, and multiply’. But not in those words.”

“In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.”

“I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.”

“I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It — with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.”

“A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy… with polio.”

“Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.”

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“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”

“Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.”

“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

“Curiosity, that’s what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It’s our own hearts and minds.”

“I love nature, I just don’t want to get any of it on me.”

“I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”

“Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.”

“If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”

“Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka’s.”

“All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.”

“he’s a genius, she’s a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something”

“Love is too weak a word for what I feel – I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F’s, yes.”

“There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?”

“I’m short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.”

“Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.”

“Tradition is the illusion of permanence.”

“I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘No.”

“Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?”

“The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.”

“What if the worst is true? What if there’s no God, and you only go around once, and that’s it? Don’t you want to be a part of the experience? You know, what the hell? It’s not all a drag, and I’m thinking to myself: Geez! I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I’m never gonna get and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, you know, after–who knows? Maybe there is something, nobody really knows. I know that maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that’s the best we have.”

“Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat…college,”

“Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.”

“I don’t know what I want, but I know what I don’t want”

“You know how you’re always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it’s real difficult in life”

“I don’t think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”

“Death doesn’t really worry me that much, I’m not frightened about it… I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

“In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.”

“Just don’t take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.”

“Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: “At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You’d be surprised how effective it can be.”

“I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.”

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”

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“I don’t know what I’m doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.”

“Don’t you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we’re left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.”

“Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain – and this is a chance for something special.”

“Raised by two mothers…wow, most of us barely survive one”

“I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y’know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.”

“Our love, our love will last forever. It’s forever but it just doesn’t work. That’s why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete.”

“How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not “the thing with feathers.” The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.”

“I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.”

“Mankind is facing a crossroad – one road leads to despair and utter hopelessness and the other to total extinction – I sincerely hope you graduates choose the right road”

“Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.”

“I was walking through the woods, thinking about Christ. If He was a carpenter, I wondered what He charged for bookshelves.”

“While we’re waiting for a cab I’ll give you your lesson for today. Don’t listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don’t pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that’s how you’ll know what life is really gonna be like.”

“As the poet said, ‘Only God can make a tree’ — probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.”

“The most beautiful words in the English language are not ‘I love you’, but ‘It’s benign’.”

“Having sex is like bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

“Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.”

“How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?”

“Your still searching for me in every woman. You’ll always seek to duplicate what we had. You know it.”

“Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.”

“My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.”

“It was great seeing Annie again. I realised what a terrific person she was and how fun it was just knowing her. And I thought of that old joke, you know. The guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy. He thinks he’s a chicken.” and the doctor says, “well, why don’t you turn him in?” and the guy says, “I would, but o need the eggs.”
Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they’re totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but, err, I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.”

“I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.”

“What the hell does it all mean anyhow? Nothing. Zero. Zilch. Nothing comes to anything. And yet, there’s no shortage of idiots to babble. Not me. I have a vision. I’m discussing you. Your friends. Your coworkers. Your newspapers. The TV. Everybody’s happy to talk. Full of misinformation. Morality, science, religion, politics, sports, love, your portfolio, your children, health. Christ, if I have to eat nine servings of fruits and vegetables a day to live, I don’t wanna live. I hate goddamn fruits and vegetables. And your omega 3’s, and the treadmill, and the cardiogram, and the mammogram, and the pelvic sonogram, and oh my god the-the-the colonoscopy, and with it all the day still comes where they put you in a box, and its on to the next generation of idiots, who’ll also tell you all about life and define for you what’s appropriate. My father committed suicide because the morning newspapers depressed him. And could you blame him? With the horror, and corruption, and ignorance, and poverty, and genocide, and AIDS, and global warming, and terrorism, and-and the family value morons, and the gun morons. “The horror,” Kurtz said at the end of Heart of Darkness, “the horror.” Lucky Kurtz didn’t have the Times delivered in the jungle. Ugh… then he’d see some horror. But what do you do? You read about some massacre in Darfur or some school bus gets blown up, and you go “Oh my God, the horror,” and then you turn the page and finish your eggs from the free range chickens. Because what can you do. It’s overwhelming!”

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“Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in my bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.”

“I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.”

“Millions of books written on every conceivable subject by all these great minds and in the end, none of them knows anything more about the big questions of life than I do … I read Socrates. This guy knocked off little Greek boys. What the Hell’s he got to teach me? And Nietzsche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we’re gonna live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. It’s not worth it. And Freud, another great pessimist. I was in analysis for years and nothing happened. My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar. Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.”

“And my parents finally realize I’m kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.”

“I am at two with nature.”

“There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?”

“Honey! Bring down a copy of my will – and an eraser!”

“The wicked at heart probably know something.”

“I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.”

“I can’t fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.”

“Honey, you’re the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?
It’ll be a year come April 20th.
I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler’s birthday”

“Living is messy.”

“My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.”

“We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices…”

“Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.”

“Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.”

“The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.”

“I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you’ve never seen neurotics play softball, it’s really funny.
I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.”

“Don’t think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.”

“Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.”

“Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.”

“This year I’m a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?”

“You know what my philosophy of life is? That it’s important to have some laughs, but you got to suffer a little too, because otherwise you miss the whole point to life.”

“It’s a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.”

“In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”

“It’s very hard to keep your spirits up. You’ve got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you…. you’ve got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?”

“I read in self-defense.”

“The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.”

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