100+ Tommy Boy Quotes Show The Thrilling Life Of An Immature Social Outcast

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Tommy Boy Popular Quotes

These Tommy Boyquotes show the thrilling life of an immature social outcast. There are so many Tommy Boy quotes that can help you when you are tired of being in the same old rut, and all you need is a little push, a little inspiration, a smile on the face, change of mood, bring you out of the banality of life, make you laugh a little, or may even make you cry a bit, and these Tommy Boy quotes exists just do that.

Tommy Boy is a 1995 American street satire movie coordinated by Peter Segal, composed by Bonnie and Terry Turner, created by Lorne Michaels, and featuring previous Saturday Night Live castmates and dear companions Chris Farley and David Spade. Tommy Boy was the first of numerous motion pictures that Peter Segal has recorded with previous SNL castmates. Tommy Boy was shot essentially in Toronto and Los Angeles under the working title ‘Rough Road’. It recounts to the tale of a socially and genuinely juvenile man played by Farley who learns exercises about fellowship and self-esteem following the abrupt passing of his industrialist father. Tommy Boy did well financially, yet got blended audits from critics. However, since its discharge, Tommy Boy has turned into a clique great due to being extremely effective on home video. Tommy Boy, alongside 1994 blood and gore movie Wes Craven’s New Nightmare, is devoted to Gregg Fonseca, who kicked the bucket eight months before its discharge. The story of Tommy Boy opens up following seven years at school, Thomas R. ‘Tommy’ Callahan III scarcely moves on from Marquette University, making it out with a D+, and comes back to the place where he grew up of Sandusky, Ohio. His dad, industrialist and single man Thomas R. ‘Huge Tom’ Callahan, Jr., gives him official employment at the family’s vehicle parts plant, Callahan Auto.

Notwithstanding the new activity and office, Big Tom uncovers that he intends to wed Beverly Barrish-Burns, a lady he had met at a fat ranch and that her child Paul will turn into Tommy’s new stepbrother, a lot to Tommy’s pleasure. At the wedding, be that as it may, Big Tom all of a sudden bites the dust of a heart assault. After the memorial service, questioning the fate of the organization without Big Tom, the bank reneges on guarantees of credit for another brake cushion division and looks for the prompt installment of Callahan Auto’s obligations. Beam Zalinsky, proprietor and administrator of adversary car goes separate ways Zalinsky Auto Parts in Chicago, offers to get them out while the organization’s offers are high, however, Tommy recommends an arrangement: he will give the bank a chance to hold his acquired offers and house in return for selling the new brake cushions. The bank concurs, however they likewise need the organization to demonstrate despite everything it has suitability by selling 500,000 brake cushions. On the off chance that they come up short, the bank will dispossess, yet on the off chance that they succeed, the bank will endorse Big Tom’s brake cushion adventure. Tommy volunteers to go on a cross-country deals trip with his dad’s sycophantic right hand, Richard Hayden, a youth colleague who has an especially opposing association with Tommy.

We have dug up these Tommy Boy quotes from the depths of the internet and brought together best of these sayings in a single article. This post is probably the biggest database of Tommy Boy Sayings in a single place. These famous Tommy Boy quotes have the power to change your life by giving a novel outlook about the way you observe different aspects of your life. Hence, these popular Tommy Boy quotes should be read with caution and proper understanding of the context. Here are tons of Tommy Boy quotes that will open a treasure chest of Wisdom and experiences: –

“AH! I killed it! I killed my sale!”

Tommy Boy Quotes

“I got cat-like speed and reflexes!”

Tommy Boy Famous Quotes

“Let me sleep, for the love of God!”

Tommy Boy  Popular Quotes

“You better pray to the God of skinny punks that this wind doesn’t pick up, ’cause I’ll come over there and jam an oar up your ass!”

Tommy Boy  Best Quotes

“Him too afraid to get out. He just a little guy!”

Tommy Boy  Sayings

“DEER!”

“It’s Go Time!”

“I’m a maniac!”

“Brothers gotta hug!”

“AH! I’m okay, I’m fine now!”

“It’s alive!”

“My whole life sucks! I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going. My dad just died. We just killed Bambi! I’m out here getting my ass kicked and everytime I drive down the road I want to jerk the wheel into a god damn bridge abutment!”

“I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!”

“L-L-Luke, I am your father!”

“What did you do?”

“New guy’s in the corner puking his guts out!”

“Fat guy in a little coat!”

“Son of a!”

“Holy schnikes!”

“Don’t You Remember You Told Me You Loved Me, Baby?”

“Are you talking?”

“If I wanted a kiss, I’d call your mother!”

“Brothers don’t shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.”

“Pretend the character above is “Con artist Rob Lowe”, and “he has cable.”

“Did I catch a ‘niner’ in there?”

“I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take a butcher’s word for it.”

“Hey, I’ll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher’s ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn’t you rather to take his word for it?”

“No wait, it’s gotta be your bull.”

“Housekeeping. You want mint for pillow?”

“Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter.”

“Not here… and not here so much… but right here.”

“Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. Allriiight.”

“Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?”

“What’d you do?”

“I’m gonna go get directions to our next huge embarrassing failure.”

“Get yourself a new map.”

“Well, I should hope so, because I’m laying it on pretty thick.”

“Do you know where the weight room is? I’ll check it out.”

“Fat guy in a liiittle coat. Fat guy in a little coooat.”

“Richard, were you watching ‘spanktrovision’?”

“La-la-la-loo-loo… Luuuke… Luuuke! I am your fah-ther! La-la-lay-lu…”

“That’s gonna leave a mark.”

“You’re right! You’re not your dad! He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves!”

“Forget it, I quit, I can’t do this anymore, man. My head’s about to explode. My whole life sucks. I don’t know what I’m doing… I don’t know where I’m going. My dad just died. We just killed Bambi. I’m out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road. I wanna jerk the wheel INTO A GODDAMNED BRIDGE EMBANKMENT.”

“Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed… I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer’s sake, for your daughter’s sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.”

“I swear I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that was… awesome. But sorry about your car, man. That… That sucks.”

“I think your brain has a thick candy shell.”

“I’m gonna go get directions to our next huge embarrassing failure.”

“Ok, here is Tommy, he’s gonna help me with my little spiel here. Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking and he’s never been laid.”

“They were closed. How could you be reading documents when they’re in your briefcase? Hmm, that’s a mystery. Richard, were you watching spanktrovision?”

“Try an association. Like uh… let’s say the average person uses 10% of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.”

“Uuuuuuh! I killed it. I killed my sale. That’s when I blow it. That’s when people like us gotta forge ahead, Helen, am I right?”

“We don’t take no for an answer.”

“You have a window. And why shouldn’t you? You’ve been here 10 minutes.”

Tommy: I can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull’s ass, but I’d rather take a butcher’s word for it.”

Tommy : Brothers don’t shake hands. Brothers gotta hug.”

Tommy : Let’s think about this for a sec, Ted. Why would somebody put a guarantee on a box? Hmmm, very interesting.

Ted Nelson, Customer : Go on, I’m listening.

Tommy : Here’s the way I see it, Ted. Guy puts a fancy guarantee on a box ’cause he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.

Ted Nelson, Customer : Yeah, makes a man feel good.

Tommy : ‘Course it does. Why shouldn’t it? Ya figure you put that little box under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy might come by and leave a quarter, am I right, Ted?

[chuckles until he sees that Ted is not laughing] 

Ted Nelson, Customer : [impatiently]  What’s your point?

Tommy : The point is, how do you know the fairy isn’t a crazy glue sniffer? “Building model airplanes” says the little fairy; well, we’re not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that’s all it takes. The next thing you know, there’s money missing off the dresser, and your daughter’s knocked up. I seen it a hundred times.

Ted Nelson, Customer : But why do they put a guarantee on the box?

Tommy : Because they know all they sold ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That’s all it is, isn’t it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for now, for your customer’s sake, for your daughter’s sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality product from me.

Ted Nelson, Customer : [pause]  Okay, I’ll buy from you.

Tommy : Well, that’s…

Tommy , Richard Hayden : …What?”

Tommy : Uh, what my associate is trying say is… Our new brake pads are really cool. You’re not even gonna believe it. Like, let’s say you’re driving along the road with your family.

[Picks up model car] 

Tommy : You’re drivin’ along, la-de-da, woo. All of a sudden there’s a truck tire in the middle of the road. And you hit the brakes. EEEEEEEEE! Whoa, that was close. Ha-ha. Now let’s see what happens when you’re driving with the “other guy’s” brake pads. You’re drivin’ along, you’re drivin’ along, the kids start shouting from the back seat, “I gotta go to the bathroom, Daddy!” “Not now, damn it!” Truck tire. EEEEEEEE! I CAN’T STOP!

[Slams model car into lighter] 

Tommy : There’s a cliff! AAAAAHH! And your family’s screaming,

[sets car on fire] 

Tommy : “Oh my God, we’re burning alive!” “No! I can’t feel my legs!” Here comes the meat wagon.

[Imitates siren] 

Tommy : And the medic gets out and says, “Oh my God”. New guy’s around the corner puking his guts out.

[Imitates retching] 

Tommy : All because you want to save a couple extra pennies. And to me, it doesn’t…

Executive with Toy Cars : Get out. Now!

Tommy : [Richard tries blowing out flaming car]  Do you validate?

Executive with Toy Cars : No!”

Tommy : Does this suit make me look fat?

Richard Hayden : No, your face does.”

[Richard knocks on the door impersonating the maid while Tommy tries to sleep] 

Richard Hayden : Housekeeping. You want mint for pillow?

Tommy : Please go away let me sleep, *for the love of God.*

Richard Hayden : Housekeeping. You want me to jerk you off?

Tommy : What kind of hotel is this?

[opens door] 

Tommy : Who the hell are… Oh, it’s you.

Richard Hayden : Good morning, sunshine.”

Tommy : I l-left a message.

Richard Hayden : A message? What number did you call?

Tommy : Two, four, niner, five, six, seven…

Richard Hayden : I can’t hear you, you’re trailing off and did I catch a niner in there? Were you calling from a walkie-talkie?

Tommy : No, it was cordless.

Richard Hayden : You know what? Don’t. Not here, not now.”

Tommy : Did you hear I finally graduated?

Richard Hayden : Yeah, and just a shade under a decade too. All right.

Tommy : You know a lot of people go to college for seven years.

Richard Hayden : I know, they’re called doctors.”

Richard Hayden : Look Mommy, the Rhino’s getting too close to the car.

Tommy : Him too afraid to get out, him just a little guy.

Richard Hayden : All right, that’s it, fat boy, I’m gonna wail on you.

Tommy : Hey, boys and girls, it’s Papa Smurf!

Richard Hayden : You don’t want none of me; think it through.

Tommy : Just gimme your best shot.

[Richard Punches him] 

Tommy : That was it? Come on you can do better than that, can’t you Captain Limp Wrist? Try again!

[Richard punches him again] 

Tommy : Hey everybody, is there a window open; I feel a draft!

[Richard punches him twice] 

Tommy : If I wanted a kiss, I’d call your mother!

[Richard hits him over the face with a 2×4] 

Tommy : That was a good one.

Richard Hayden : [Richard looks up]  Hey, Prehistoric Forest!”

[last lines] 

Tommy : Oh, that’s gonna leave a mark!”

[Richard’s car is destroyed by a deer] 

Richard Hayden : No way that just happened. My car is completely destroyed.

Tommy : I swear I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that… was… *awesome*.

[bursts out laughing] 

Tommy : … but, sorry about your car, man. That… That sucks.”

Kid in Bank : Hey, Mom! It’s the guy who robbed the bank.

Tommy : I didn’t rob any bank.

Kid in Bank : Oh, yeah, right. Like it was some other real fat guy with a tiny head.

Tommy : I got a tiny head?”

Tommy : [Tommy and Richard are sitting on a park bench after getting kicked out of Salinsky’s headquarters]  I thought they were on my side.

Richard Hayden : They figured they had something to gain if the factory was being closed.

Tommy : Boy this is the worst. My so called family deserts me. Michelle’s mad at me. I’ve lost the factory, the town’s going under and I’m out of a job.

[the park bench collapses] 

Tommy : Could’ve done without that.”

Tommy : [Tommy comes back into the hotel room unexpectedly, catching Richard spying on a girl swimming topless in the pool with his pants unzipped. Richard immediately dives into bed]  Richard, what were you doing?

Richard Hayden : Um, going over some documents.

Tommy : Well, where are they? Geez, I don’t see them!

Richard Hayden : They’re… in my briefcase.

Tommy : How can you be reading documents, when they’re in your briefcase? Hmm… that’s a mystery!

Richard Hayden : [Rolls over to go to sleep]  Ok then, let’s hit it.

Tommy : Richard! Were you watching, “Spank-tra-vision?” Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian! Oh, whats his name? Buddy… Whackett?

Richard Hayden : Ok, let’s get some shut-eye.

Tommy : [Looks out the window]  Say! That’s a pretty girl down there!

Richard Hayden : Good for her.

Tommy : Gee, I wonder if she goes out with one of the Yankees!

Richard Hayden : Couldn’t tell ya.

[Later that night] 

Tommy : Big day tomorrow. Hope we can keep this momentum goin’.

Richard Hayden : Yup. That’d be good.

Tommy : Richard… Who’s you’re favorite little rascal? Alfalfa? Or is it Spanky?

[Giggles] 

Tommy : Sinner.”

Richard Hayden : You’re right! You’re not your dad! He could sell a ketchup Popsicle to a woman in white gloves!

Tommy : Ketchup Popsicle?

Richard Hayden : Yeah. I learned everything I know from him. I didn’t have a real father, but you, he was your real dad and yo just took him for granted.

[mocking Tommy] 

Richard Hayden : “Hey I’m big Toms’ son, I screw things up, but it’s ok my dad will fix everything, so I’m allowed to be a MORON!”

Tommy : [Trying to copy his father’s quote]  Hey, I’ll tell you what. You can get a good look at a butcher’s ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn’t you rather to take his word for it?

Mr. Brady, Customer : [confused]  What? I’m failing to make the connection here.

Tommy : No, I mean is, you can get a good look at a T-bone by sticking your head up a butcher’s ass… No, wait. It’s gotta be your bull.

Richard : [embarrassed]  Wow.”

[after Tommy has rubbed air freshener on himself] 

Ray Zalinsky : Went a little heavy on the pine tree perfume there, kid?

Tommy : Sir, it’s an taxicab air freshener.

Ray Zalinsky : Good, you’ve pinpointed it. Step two is washing it out.”

Tommy : [Tommy is stuck in the middle of a lake on a sailboat with no wind. Some kids are mocking him from the shore]  You better pray to the god of skinny punks that this wind doesn’t pick up, ’cause I’ll come over there, and jam an oar up your ass.”

Tommy : Forget it, I quit, I can’t do this anymore, man. My head’s about to explode. My whole life sucks! I don’t know what I’m doing, I don’t know where I’m going. My dad just died, we just killed Bambi, I’m out here getting my ass kicked and every time I drive down the road I wanna jerk the wheel into a Goddamn bridge abutment!”

Tommy : Richard? Is this your coat?

Richard : Don’t do it.

Tommy : Fat guy in a little coat. Fat guy in a little coat.

Richard : Don’t

Tommy : [singing]  Fat guy in a little coat. / Fat guy in a little coat.

Richard : Take it off, Dickhead, I’m serious!

Tommy : Richard! What’s happening?

[coat rips] 

Tommy : Uh oh!”

[Tommy carelessly set an open bag of M&M’s on the dashboard and they immediately pour into an open vent] 

Richard Hayden : Oh that sounds good: melted chocolate inside the dash. That really ups the resale value.

Tommy : I think you’ll be okay here, they have a thin candy shell. ‘Surprised you didn’t know that.

Richard Hayden : I think your brain has a thick candy shell.

Tommy : Your… Your brain has the shell on it.

Richard Hayden : Are you talking?

Tommy : Shut up, Richard.”

Tommy : Hey, what’s your name?

Helen : Helen.

Tommy : That’s nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we’re both in sales. Let me tell you why I suck as a sales man. Let’s say I go into a guy’s office, let’s say he’s even remotely interested in buying something. Well then I get all excited. I’m like Jojo the idiot circus boy with a pretty new pet.

[Reaches down and picks up a dinner roll] 

Tommy : Now the pet is my possible sale. Hello there pretty little pet, I love you. And then I stoke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe I love it, I love my little naughty pet.

[Pokes the roll playfully] 

Tommy : You’re naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go…

[makes ripping noises as he tears apart the roll] 

Tommy : [Wailing loudly, making the whole restaurant look]  Uuuuuuh! I killed it! I killed my sale! And that’s when I blow it. That’s when people like us have gotta forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?

Helen : God, you’re sick.”

[Richard and Tommy almost got in a car accident] 

Richard Hayden : Hey… I was just thinking… when we stopped for gas this morning I think it was you who put the oil in.

Tommy : Hey if you’re going to say I didn’t put the right kind in, you’re wrong. I used 10-W-30. And besides, motor oil would have nothing to do with this accident.

Richard Hayden : True. But you can’t latch the hood too well, IF YOU DON’T TAKE THE CAN OUT, YOU NO-SELLING WASTE OF SPACE.

[Tommy winces at his mistake] 

Richard Hayden : I swear to God, you’re worthless!”

Paul : Did you eat a lot of paint chips when you were a kid?

Tommy : [laughs]  Why?”

Tommy : R.T., I think I figured out the problem. This order is going to Columbus. That’s a one-day delivery, but you’ve got it marked down for two.

R.T., Shipping Foreman : That’s because it’s going to Columbus, Georgia. Not Columbus, Ohio.

[he shows Tommy the shipping address] 

R.T., Shipping Foreman : You see these letters by the city? That’s called a state. What else you got, Wonder Boy?

Tommy : Uh… that’s pretty much it for now.

R.T., Shipping Foreman : Hey, Tommy, maybe you should go back to college for another seven years and study a globe.”

[Moments earlier they hit a deer, it’s now riding in the back seat of Richard’s car] 

Tommy : Where are we gonna take the deer?

Richard Hayden : I dunno, the vet?

Tommy : You take dead animals to the vet?

Richard Hayden : Why not? I’d take you to the vet.

Tommy : Yeah I’ll take you to the… Um…

Richard Hayden : Got that?

Tommy : Shut up.”

Tommy : D+?… Oh, my God… I passed! I passed! Oh, man!

[shouting] 

Tommy : I got a D+! I’m gonna graduate!

[hugging a stranger] 

Tommy : I wish we’d known each other… this is a little awkward.

[shouts] 

Tommy : I got a D+! I’m gonna graduate! Give me five!”

[Richard needs Big Tom to sign some documents] 

Richard Hayden : I need your John Hancock.

[Tommy Boy scoffs] 

Tommy : It’s HERBIE Hancock.”

Paul : Wait a minute, fat boy. You lost your shares to the bank. You don’t even have a right to be here!

Michelle : Gee, it’s funny you should bring that up, ’cause I’m not sure that you have the right to be here.

Thomas ‘Tommy’ Callahan III : Whoa, what have we got here? Oh, my God, it’s a Police Report.

Ray Zalinsky : What’s all this about?

Thomas ‘Tommy’ Callahan III : Let’s see. “Paul Barrish, married May 1993 to Beverly Barrish aka Beverly Burns”. Richard, how could Beverly be married to Paul and my dad at the same time? Interesting!

Richard Hayden : Yes. Provocative.

Thomas ‘Tommy’ Callahan III : What I think it means is your marriage to my dad was never legal.

Michelle : Which also means that Beverly’s shares still belong to Tommy.”

Tommy : Richard, do I have a mark on my face? It really hurts.

Richard Hayden : Nope, nothing. I thought I hit you on the shoulder.

Tommy : My shoulder doesn’t hurt very much, but my face does.

[points to huge bruised area on his face] 

Tommy : Right here. Not here or here so much. Right here.

Richard Hayden : Nope. Ship shape! Waitress, can I get that shrimp cocktail I saw in the glass case?

Helen : Yep. And you, what can I get

[pauses and looks at Tommy’s face] 

Helen : Jesus, what happened to your face?

Tommy : I knew it!”

Richard Hayden : All right, now it’s sale time, so remember, we don’t take no…?

Tommy : No shit from anyone.

Richard Hayden : No.

Tommy : Um, we don’t take no prisoners.

Richard Hayden : We don’t take no for answer.

Tommy : Oh yeah… We don’t take no for an answer! We don’t take no for an answer…

[Tommy and Richard have just finished a presentation] 

‘No’ Manager : No.

Tommy : Okey-dokey.

‘No’ Manager : No.

Tommy : Gotcha. Thanks.

‘No’ Manager : [shaking his head ‘no’]  Mmmm-mmmm.

Tommy : Terrific! Thanks for your time.”

Tommy : [They pull up by a tree]  Lord I never had to tinkle so bad in all my life.

[Richard begins driving away] 

Tommy : What the? Oh Richard you’re a riot. Stop the car. Son of a. What the hell’s gotten into you? My thing got stuck in my zipper and I got piss all over my pants.”

[as Richard is adjusting Tommy’s tie, it comes off] 

Tommy : Heh, heh, heh, it’s a clip-on.

Richard Hayden : Heh, heh, heh, are you sure?”

Tommy : Richard, who’s your favorite little rascal? Alfalfa?… Or is it SPANKY?

[chuckles as Richard covers his face] 

Tommy : Sinner.”

Richard Hayden : What did I say about eating in the car anyways?

Tommy : It’s not good cause it spoils your dinner?”

Paul : That’s it! I’m not gonna take this.

Richard Hayden : Uh, uh! It’s not over yet, Lee Harvey.

Michelle : Let’s see… warrants outstanding: New Mexico-Mail Fraud. Colorado-Wire Fraud. And coming soon to Ohio, Computer Fraud.

[Paul makes as if to say something, then makes a break for the door] 

Thomas ‘Tommy’ Callahan III : [shouts]  Get him!

Ray Zalinsky : Don’t let him leave the complex, Marty.

Thomas ‘Tommy’ Callahan III : [Paul runs into the Zalinsky auto testing center] Hey, you forgot your wife!

Paul : Screw you! Screw all of you!

[trips over the lever that starts the crash test; car drives fast] 

Paul : Not good.

Ray Zalinsky : Hit the brakes!

Paul : [screaming; car stops abruptly, sends Paul flying into a chair; a huge test bag drops down and smashes his testicles]  Aaahh! Ohhh!

Richard Hayden : Ooh! That will ruin his weekend.”

Richard Hayden : [Zalinski turns on a high-powered fan that blows Richard’s toupee off]  You tell anyone about this and I will kill you, you understand me?

Tommy : Uh… it looks real!”

Thomas ‘Tommy’ Callahan III : Holy Schnike!”

Michelle : I saw your step mom and your step brother and he was kissing her.

Tommy : So?

Michelle : With his tongue.

Tommy , Richard : UGH.

Richard : He’s doing his mommy?”

Richard Hayden : [after Tommy explodes in a client’s office]  That guy may not call us.

Tommy : I can’t believe he called me a psycho.

Richard Hayden : Hey, were you in there just now? You are a psycho… Good God. And comb your hair.”

[repeated line] 

Thomas ‘Tommy’ Callahan III : Shut Up Richard.”

Tommy : [after watching Ray Zalinski car commercial]  Hmmm. He seems like a nice guy.

Richard Hayden : This is the guy trying to buy the company, not to mention put you out on the street, and all you can say is,

[sarcastically] 

Richard Hayden : “Hmmm, he seems like a nice guy!”

Tommy : [admiring his new office]  Hey, there’s even a fridge! You could put six packs of be…

[glances at his dad] 

Tommy : … soda in here…”

Tommy : Look at ’em there, pretty maids all in a row. I want the one on the left; she’s perfect. Which one d’you want? Huh, huh, huh?… Alright.

Paul : Does it make a difference?

Tommy : Oh yeah. Wait a second. Is this your first time?

Paul : Yeah Tommy, it is.

Tommy : God, you’re gonna remember this the rest of your life. Can’t believe you’ve never been cow tipping before. Get ready to live. Huh, huh, huh, ssshhhh. She’s sleepin’. What you do is, you put your shoulder into her and you push.

Paul : And?

Tommy : They fall over, hee, hee, hee.

Paul : And this doesn’t strike you as kinda’ dumb?

Tommy : We’re family, we’re gonna be doing lots of dumb stuff together. Wait ’til Christmas.”

Richard Hayden : What is our carrying charge for all the merchandise in the warehouse?

Tommy : Ohhhh, man…

Richard Hayden : One and a…

Tommy : …half percent. I knew that. Why can’t I remember it?

Richard Hayden : Try an association like, uhhh… Let’s say the average person uses ten percent of their brain. How much do you use? One and a half percent. The rest is clogged with malted hops and bong resin.”

[Tommy has a fake bomb strapped to himself] 

Nicole Taylor, Action 8 News : Is that why you’ve strapped a bomb to your chest?

Thomas ‘Tommy’ Callahan III : Oh, this isn’t a bomb. These are road flares.

Ray Zalinsky : Road flares? Did you live under power lines as a kid, or something?

Thomas ‘Tommy’ Callahan III : Ha ha ha, why?”

Tommy : [goofing off in front of an electric fan]  La-la-la-loo-loo… Luuuke… Luuuke! I am your fah-ther! La-la-lay-lu…

Richard Hayden : [Walks in]  Oh, I’ve interrupted happy time! Now I know you want to sit there and keep being not slim, but we gotta work a little today.

Tommy : That was from Star Wars.

Richard Hayden : I know.”

[Tommy is celebrating his graduation with friends] 

Tommy : Some of us are leaving, and that is sad, but this isn’t the end. No way. We’re gonna show this world a thing or two. We’re going to show…

[he passes out and falls on a table and smashes it] 

Tommy : Hey, remember your brother Duane? Whatever happened to him? We used to go to Safeway all the time and get caught trying to steal doughnuts.

Michelle : He’s a cop. He had to get a real job when my parents moved to Cuyahoga Falls.

Tommy : Wow!

[awkward silence] 

Michelle : [holds up box of Dunkin’ Donuts]  Want one?

Tommy : I’d better not. I have what doctors call a little bit of a weight problem. I used to grab bear claws as a kid, two at a time, and I’d get them lodged right in this region here.

[motioning at his stomach] 

Tommy : [closes the hood of the car after checking the oil]  She’s a quart low.

Richard Hayden : Oh, yeah? Then guess what? Open it back up and put it in! That’s your penance for the puppet show back there. And while you’re at it, fill it up with gas, okay? I’m gonna go ask directions to our next huge embarrassing failure.

Tommy : [mutters]  You’re a huge embarrassing failure.

Richard Hayden : What?

Tommy : Nothing.”

Tommy : But the Callahan factory has been in my family for seventy years. You can’t just shut it down.

Ray Zalinsky : Son, you got to look at it from my point of view. Callahan’s a premium name. That’s what I’m buying. I can make the parts in one of my factories, put them in a Callahan box, and sell them in my stores at a premium price. Why keep your factory going when all I want’s the god damn box?”

Tommy : Hey, what is this thing?

Louis, Factory Worker : It’s a buffer. I take all the small pieces that need smoothing and give’em a zap.

Tommy : Cool, can I try?

Louis, Factory Worker : Sure, give’er!

[Tommy grinds a part with the buffer, it slips out of his hands and the wheel sends it flying across the factory] 

Louis, Factory Worker : Nice distance!”

Richard Hayden : You have de-railed…

Tommy : Shut up Richard!”

Tommy : Richard, were you watching Spank-travision?

Richard Hayden : Okay let’s get some shut eye.

Tommy : Maybe you were watching a movie with that funny comedian, oh what’s his name? Buddy Whackett?”

[Tommy sees a pretty woman. Richard is watching from his window] 

Richard Hayden : Scram Tommy. Don’t give her the weight room thing.

[Tommy approaches her acting muscular and buff] 

Tommy : Do you know where the weight room is? I’ll check it out.”

Tommy : Richard, I’m gonna need your watch. I’ve got… a… plan.

Richard Hayden : Yikes.”

Thomas ‘Tommy’ Callahan III : No offense, but if I showed a picture of your mom to some of my buddies at school, she’d definitely be “Boner of the Month”.

Paul : I’m honored. Is there anything to do in this town besides eat?”

Thomas ‘Tommy’ Callahan III : Tommy Likey! Tommy want wing-ey!”

Ray Zalinsky : Truth is, I make car parts for the American working man because I’m a hell of a salesman and he doesn’t know any better. Well, son, since you’re no longer a shareholder, this is where I leave you. Don’t feel bad. This chain of events was set in motion a long time ago, and you and bald-headed friend, you did what you could and that’s commendable. Marty, have Security see these boys out.

Marty, Zalinsky’s Aide : Yes, sir.

Ray Zalinsky : Mrs. Callahan.

[greets Beverly and Paul; Paul waves “goodbye”] 

Thomas ‘Tommy’ Callahan III : [in shock]  What’s my family doing in there?”

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