100+ Nurse Jokes That Are So Mind-Blowing

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funny nurse jokes

Who doesn’t love a joke? There can’t be anyone who hates the very concept of jokes or crackling hilarious twists that will drive the funny spirits in you! Well, how about some Nurse Jokes that will leave you splits in seconds!

Nurse Jokes are not bad on the whole! So, keeping that in mind we have compiled and edited some amazing and intriguing 100+ Nurse Jokes That Are So Mind-Blowing and at the same time great to read amongst your circle and near/dear ones!

Here we go for a whole new comical experience.

Going through 12 hours working in the emergency clinic can without much of a stretch tire you out. In the event that you don’t have the foggiest idea how to unwind and loosen up, you can wind up getting a handle on focused and discontent with your work. Presently, before that occurs, enjoy a reprieve and simply loosen up. We have the most interesting attendant jokes to make you feel somewhat lighter.

Specialist: “Did you take the patient’s temperature?”

Attendant: “No. Is it missing?”

Specialist: “Medical caretaker, how is that young man getting along, the person who gulped ten quarters?”

Medical caretaker: “No change yet.”

Three medical caretakers went to paradise, and were anticipating their turn with St. Dwindle to argue their case to enter the silvery entryways.

The primary attendant stated, “I worked in a crisis room. We attempted our best to enable patients, to despite the fact that once in a while we lost one. I think I have the right to go to paradise.” St. Dwindle sees her record and concedes her to paradise.

The subsequent medical caretaker says, “I worked in a working room. It’s an extremely high pressure condition and we put forth a valiant effort. Once in a while the patients are excessively wiped out and we lose them, however generally speaking we make a decent attempt.” St. Dwindle sees her document and concedes her to paradise.

The third medical attendant says, “I was a caseworker for a HMO.”

St. Subside sees her record. He hauls out an adding machine and starts punching endlessly at it irately, always returning to the medical caretaker’s document. Following a couple of moments St. Diminish looks into, grins, and says, “Congrats! You’ve been admitted to paradise … for five days!”

Harry was in the emergency clinic. He was an elderly person. Every once in a while the youthful medical caretaker came in and said in a belittling tone, “And how are we getting along at the beginning of today?”

All things considered, this is an account of vengeance. Harry had gotten breakfast, and pulled the juice off the plate, and put it on his stand. He had been given a pee container to fill. The juice was squeezed apple. You know where the juice went.

The attendant came in, grabbed the pee bottle and stated, “It appears we are somewhat overcast today…” At this, Harry grabbed the jug out of her hand, drank its substance, saying, “Admirably, I’ll run it through once more, perhaps I can channel it better this time.”

What’s the contrast between a specialist and a young doggie?

On the off chance that you put a young doggie in a room independent from anyone else for 60 minutes, it’ll likely quit crying.

Assistants consider God, inhabitants implore God, specialists converse with God, medical attendants ARE God.

What’s the contrast between a medical attendant and a religious recluse?

A cloister adherent just serves one God.

A medical attendant was giving some understudy nurture through the clinic. “This will be the most unsafe area in the emergency clinic for you. The men on this floor are practically well.”

A specialist is going round the ward with a medical caretaker and they go to the primary bed where the chap is laying half dead.

“Did you give this man two tablets like clockwork?” asks the specialist.

“Goodness, no,” answers the medical attendant, “I gave him eight tablets at regular intervals!”

At the following bed the following patient likewise shows up half dead.

“Medical attendant, did you give this man one tablet at regular intervals?”

“Uh oh, I gave him twelve tablets each 60 minutes,” answers the medical caretaker.

Lamentably at the following bed the patient is well and genuinely perished, not an ounce of life. “Medical caretaker,” asks the specialist, “did you prick his bubble?”

“Wow!” answers the attendant.

Well, the above Nurse Jokes are a great proof to show that you don’t need to be a satire to crack any jokes! For more such experience read our 100+ Nurse Jokes That Are So Mind-Blowing

Q: How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They just have a nursing student do it.

best nurse jokes

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A Graduate Nurse charts too much.
An experienced nurse doesn´t chart enough.

famous nurse jokes

Q: What’s It Called When A Hospital Runs Out Of Maternity Nurses?
A: A mid-wife crisis!

funny nurse jokes

Q: How do you know that a dead body found by the side of the road is a nurse?
A: Because its stomach is empty, its bladder is full, and its a$$ chewed!

nurse jokes

Q: Why do nurses bring red magic markers into work?
A: In case they have to draw blood.

popular nurse jokes

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“St. Peter and the Three Nurses”
Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?” “I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.” “Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.” And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?” “I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.” “How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?” After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.” St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”
“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”
“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days….”

“Three Wishes”
A nursing assistant, a floor nurse and a charge nurse from a small nursing home were taking a lunch break in the break room. In walks a lady dressed in silk scarves and wearing large polished-stone jewelry. “I am Gina the Great,” stated the lady. “I am so pleased with the way you have taken care of my aunt that I will now grant the next three wishes!” With a wave of her hand and a puff of smoke, the room was filled with flowers, fruit and bottles of drink, proving that she did have the power to grant wishes before any of the nurses could think otherwise.
The nurses quickly argued among themselves as to which one would ask for the first wish. Speaking up, the nursing assistant wished first. “I wish I were on a tropical island beach, with single, well-built men feeding me fruit and tending to my every need.” With a puff of smoke, the nursing assistant was gone.
The floor nurse went next. “I wish I were rich and retired, and spending my days in my own warm cabin at a ski resort with well-groomed men feeding me cocoa and doughnuts.” With a puff of smoke, she too was gone.
“Now, what is the last wish?” asked the lady.
The charge nurse said, “I want those two back on the floor at the end of the lunch break.”

“The Recruiting Game”
A skilled nurse died and arrived before St. Peter, who explained, “We have this little policy of allowing you to choose whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which to choose?” She asked. “That’s easy,” said St. Peter. “you have to spend a day in each place before making a decision.”
With that, he put the nurse on an elevator and sent her down to hell. The elevator doors opened and the nurse found herself in a sunny garden, where many former friends and colleagues warmly greeted her. She had a great time all day laughing and talking about old times. That night, she had an excellent supper in a fantastic restaurant. She even met the devil, who turned out to be a pretty nice guy. Before she knew it, her day in hell was over and she returned to heaven.
The day in heaven was okay. She lounged around on clouds, sang, and played the harp. At the end of the day, St. Peter came and asked for her decision. “Well, heaven was great and all,” the nurse said, “but I had abetter time in hell. I know it sounds strange, but I choose hell.” With that, she got in the elevator and went back down.
When the doors opened, she saw a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. Her friends, dressed in rags, were picking up garbage and putting it in sacks. When the devil walked over, she said to him, “I don’t understand. Yesterday, this place was beautiful. We had a delicious meal and a wonderful time laughing and talking.” The devil smiled and said, “Yesterday we were recruiting you. Today you’re staff.”

A Graduate Nurse throws up when the patient does.
An experienced nurse calls housekeeping when a patient throws up.

A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you can´t read it.
An experienced nurse doesn´t wear a name badge for liability reasons

A Graduate Nurse loves to run to codes.
An experienced nurse makes graduate nurses run to codes.

A Graduate Nurse wants everyone to know they are a nurse.
An experienced nurse doesn´t want anyone to know they are a nurse.

A Graduate Nurse keeps detailed notes on a pad.
An experienced nurse writes on the back of their hand, paper scraps, napkins, etc.

A Graduate Nurse will spend all day trying to reorient a patient.
An experienced nurse will chart the patient is disoriented and restrain them.

A Graduate Nurse can hear a beeping I-med at 50 yards.
An experienced nurse can´t hear any alarms at any distance.

A Graduate Nurse loves to hear abnormal heart and breath sounds.
An experienced nurse doesn´t want to know about them unless the patient is symptomatic.

A Graduate Nurse spends 2 hours giving a patient a bath.
An experienced nurse lets the CNA give the patient a bath.

A Graduate Nurse thinks people respect Nurses.
An experienced nurse knows everybody blames everything on the nurse.

A Graduate Nurse looks for blood on a bandage hoping they will get to change it.
An experienced nurse knows a little blood never hurt anybody.

A Graduate Nurse looks for a chance “to work with the family.”
An experienced nurse avoids the family.

A Graduate Nurse expects meds and supplies to be delivered on time.
An experienced nurse expects them to never be delivered at all.

A Graduate Nurse will spend days bladder training an incontinent patient.
An experienced nurse will insert a Foley catheter.

A Graduate Nurse always answers their phone.
An experienced nurse checks their caller ID before answering the phone.

A Graduate Nurse thinks psych patients are interesting.
An experienced nurse thinks psych patients are crazy.

A Graduate Nurse carries reference books in their bag.
An experienced nurse carries magazines, lunch, and some “cough syrup” in their bag.

A Graduate Nurse doesn´t find this funny.
An experienced nurse does.

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“Smiling Nurse”
The nurse who can smile when things go wrong…
Is probably going off duty.

“The Private Part”
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Jane asked him if there was anything wrong, “Yes, Nurse Jane ,” said Mr. Wallace. “My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.”
Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences .”
The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas.
He met Nurse Jane. ‘Mr. Wallace,’ she said, “You shouldn’t be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.”
“But, Nurse Jane I can’t,” replied Mr. Wallace. “I told you yesterday that my Private Part died.”
“Yes,” said Nurse Jane, “you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?”
“Well,” he replied, “Today is the viewing.”

Q: What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
A: “Some asshole has my pen!”

“Wasp”
I went to casualty yesterday and said to the nurse, “I’ve been stung by a wasp, have you got anything for it?”
She asked, “Whereabouts is it?”
I said, “I don’t know, it could be miles away by now.”

“The Operation”
A nurse sees a guy wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital so she stops him and asks what’s wrong.
He says, “I’m due to have an operation but I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.’”
The nurse says, “That’s okay, she was just trying to comfort you. What’s so frightening about that?”
The guy replies, “She was talking to the doctor!”

“The Baby”
The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.”
The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.”
“No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”
The husband again asked “So what do you say to the others?”
The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

“Vaccinations”
When I went to get my vaccinations the young nurse told me she was very nervous as it was her first time.
I told her to give it her best shot.

Q: What Do Transplant Nurses Hate?
A: Rejection

“Nurse Who Died And Went To Hell”
Did you hear about the nurse who died and went to hell?
It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!

Q: What do you call two ITU nurses holding hands?
A: A synapse.

Q: What did the emu say to the nurse?
A: Mend her bones or walk the plank.

“The Tattoo”
An old nurse is talking to her young colleague and says to her, “My new patient has the weirdest tattoo on his penis. It’s the word SWAN.”
The young nurse is intrigued and so she persuades the old nurse to swap patients with her so she can see the strange tattoo too.
Afterwards, the young nurse reports back to the old one, “You don’t read very well. The tattoo says SASKATOON SASKATCHEWAN.”

Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he’d obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”
That, my friends, is a positive attitude!

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.
Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write ‘spaghetti’ on the back.
I’ll take care of expenses.”
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, “‘Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'”

Doctor: “You look exhausted.”
Blond: “I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.”

Q: What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
A: “Some asshole has my pen!”

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “You have a cute baby.”
The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all new parents.”
“No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”
The husband again asked “So what do you say to the others?”
The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”
The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.”
The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air.”
The man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”

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Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, “Give him two Viagra.”
Nurse asks, “Do you think that will help?”
Dr replies, “No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!”

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.
When an old Grandpa walked by.
And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.”
One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

Three nurses died and went to heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, “What did you do on Earth and why should you go to heaven?”
“I was a nurse in an inner city hospital,” she replied. “I worked to bring healing and peace to the poor suffering city children.”
“Very noble,” said St. Peter. “You may enter.”
And in through the gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question: “So what did you do on Earth?”
“I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in Africa,” she replied. “For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many peoples and tribes with a hand of healing and with a message of God’s love.”
“How touching,” said St. Peter. “You too may enter.” And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, “So, what did you do back on Earth?”
After some hesitation, she explained, “I was just a nurse at an HMO.”
St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, “Okay, you may enter also.”
“Whew!” said the nurse. “For a moment there, I thought you weren’t going to let me in.”
“Oh, you can come in,” said St. Peter, “but you can only stay for three days…”

There were three nurses in a morgue…
They entered a room where they had discovered that there was a dead man laying on the bed with a hard-on.
The first nurse was very forward and said, “Wow! I have never seen that before, I can’t let that go to waste”.
After saying this the first nurse sat and rode it.
The 2nd nurse did the same.
The third nurse explained that she couldn’t as she was on her period.
After a bit of convincing she eventually rode it.
After 3 minutes the man woke up.
The Nurses said, “What the hell… You were dead a few minutes ago”
The man replied, “yeah I was… But I feel great now I have had two jump starts and a blood transfusion”.

Doctor: “Did you take the patient’s temperature?”
Nurse: “No. Is it missing?”

Doctor: “Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?”
Nurse: “No change yet.”

Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God.

What’s the difference between a nurse and a nun?
A nun only serves one God.

A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. “This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well.”

The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.

Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient’s best side.

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?
It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn’t at work anymore!

What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen!”

What do you call a duck in a clinic?
Nurse Quacktioner.

What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?
Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.

Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
She was taught in nursing school to always look for her patient’s best side.

How can you tell who is the head nurse of a facility?
She’s the one with dirty knees.

How do you save a doctor from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

How many nurses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None – They just have a nursing assistant do it.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. “What took you so long to answer?” “I was in bed.” “What were you doing in bed this late?” “Getting a second opinion.”

Did you hear the new penalty for speeding in Illinois? The first offense they give you Bears tickets and the second offense they make you use them.

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: “I m afraid we re going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.” “Well, if it’s just because of them, I d rather pay for them if you just leave me alone.”

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone. Are you choking? No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do? Use a pencil till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I m a bell? Take these and if it doesn’t help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I m suffering from Deja Vu! Didn’t I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I’ve got wind! Can you give me something? Yes – here’s a kite!

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?! Stick your foot out and trip it up!

Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot. Don’t worry it’s just a chain reaction!

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I m a bee Buzz off can’t you see I m busy?

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO… What’s wrong with them? They keep slipping out from under my arms!

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage. Don’t talk rubbish!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep. That’s baaaaaaaaaad!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I m a mosquito Go away, sucker!

Doctor Doctor I think I m a moth. So why did you come around then? Well, I saw this light at the window…!

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee Have you tried taking the spoon out?

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon! Well sit still and don’t stir!

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards. I ll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache? Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you ll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me One at a time please

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots? I never make rash promises!

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse. Take one of these every 4 laps!

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Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she’s invisible! What sister?

Doctor, Doctor I m on a diet and it’s making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear, that’s a lot of calories!

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion? Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out! Certainly, which way did you come in?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I m God When did this start? Well first I created the sun, then the earth…

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I m invisible Who said that?

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I m a snake about to shed it’s skin. Why don’t you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then!

Doctor: You need new glasses Patient: How do you know?, I haven’t told you whats wrong with me yet Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window!

Doctor, Doctor I think I m a snail Don’t worry we ll soon have you out of your shell!

Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple. We must get to the core of this!

Doctor, Doctor I think I m a butterfly Will you say what you mean and stop flitting about!

Doctor, Doctor I m boiling up! Just simmer down!

Doctor, Doctor I think I m an adder Great, can you help me with my accounts then please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep painting myself gold Don’t worry it’s just a gilt complex!

Doctor, Doctor I’ve broke my arm in two places Well don’t go back there again then!

Doctor, Doctor I think I m a dog. How long have you felt like this? Ever since I was a puppy!

Doctor, Doctor I think I m turning into a frog Your just playing too much croquet!

Doctor, Doctor I think I m a yo-yo. Are you stringing me along!

Doctor, Doctor I dream there are monsters under my bed, what can I do? Saw the legs off of your bed!

Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here… it hurts, and here… it hurts, and here… and here… What do you think is wrong with me? You have a broken finger!

Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here… it hurts, and here… it hurts, and here… and here… What do you think is wrong with me? You have a broken finger!

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