100+ My Cousin Vinny Quotes About The Case Of A Novice Attorney

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These My Cousin Vinny Quotes About The Case Of A Novice Attorney. There are so many My Cousin Vinny quotes that can help you when you are tired of being in the same old rut, and all you need is a little push, a little inspiration, a smile on the face, change of mood, bring you out of the banality of life, make you laugh a little, or may even make you cry a bit, and these My Cousin Vinny quotes exists just do that.

Over the years of Hollywood cinema, one thing has remained constant. There have always been plenty of takers for a good quality comedy with a nice crisp script that provides a lot of laughs. The audience has always lapped up such content and the movie “My Cousin Vinny” is no exception to this norm. This movie ran successfully after its release and the critics had very nice things to say about the performance of the actors and the strong storytelling full of comic moments.

The movie “My Cousin Vinny” released in the year 1992 and was directed by none other than Jonathan Lynn. The movie has a very strong casting with the likes of Joe Pesci, Ralph Macchio, and Marisa Tomei being cast in important roles. The writer is Dale Launer who has also been the co-producer for this movie. The distributors were the very famous 20th century Fox which ensured that the outreach of the movie was outstanding.

The plot of the movie has a funny tinge to it. Two New York residents are on a trip through the rural regions of Alabama. Suddenly they are arrested on the charges of murder which they did not commit in the first place. Things get worse as they struggle to prove their innocence in Court. Their cousin Vincent Gambini tries his best to get them proven innocent but he had barely managed to pass his law exams after repeated failures. His awkward moments in court is what provided the comic relief as did the fact that the interactions of the New Yorkers with the rural folks were hilarious. They do finally manage to prove that they were not involved in the murder and thus they walk off as free men.

Although it was made way back in 1992 people still re-watch this movie for the comedy elements.

We have dug up these My Cousin Vinny quotes from the depths of the internet and brought together best of these sayings in a single article. This post is probably the biggest database of My Cousin Vinny Sayings in a single place. These famous My Cousin Vinny quotes have the power to change your life by giving a novel outlook about the way you observe different aspects of your life. Hence, these popular My Cousin Vinny quotes should be read with caution and proper understanding of the context. Here are tons of My Cousin Vinny quotes that will open a treasure chest of Wisdom and experiences: –

“How you feel when you know you just bombed that test.”

My Cousin Vinny best quotes (1)

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“When you finally get the nerves to check your grades.”

My Cousin Vinny famous quotes (2)

“When you’re having class discussion, it’s your turn to speak and you have no clue what’s going on.”

My Cousin Vinny popular quotes (3)

“When it’s your first week on campus and you’re trying not to look like a freshman.”

My Cousin Vinny quotes (5)

“When analyzing this week’s food at the dining hall.”

My Cousin Vinny saying

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Vinny Gambini:
I object to this witness being called at this time. We’ve been given no prior notice he’d testify. No discovery of any tests he’s conducted or reports he’s prepared. And as the court is aware, the defense is entitled to advance notice of any witness who will testify, particularly those who will give scientific evidence, so that we may properly prepare for cross-examination, as well as give the defense an opportunity to have the witness’s reports reviewed by a defense expert, who might then be in a position to contradict the veracity of his conclusions.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Mr. Gambini?

Vinny Gambini:
Yes sir?

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Mr. Gambini, that is a lucid, well thought-out, intelligent objection.

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Vinny Gambini:
Thank you.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Overruled.

Vinny Gambini:
Hey Stan, you’re in Ala-F***in-Bama. You come from New York. You killed a good old boy. There is no way this is not going to trial.

Vinny Gambini:
I understand you played a game of pool with Lisa for two hundred dollars, which she won. I’m here to collect.

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J.T.:
How ’bout if I just kick your ass?

Vinny Gambini:
Oh a counter-offer. That’s what we lawyers – I’m a lawyer – we lawyers call that a counter-offer. This is a tough decision here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. Let me think… I could use a good ass-kickin’, I’ll be very honest with you… nah, I think I’ll just go with the two hundred.

J.T.:
Over my dead body.

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Vinny Gambini:
You like to renegotiate as you go along, don’t you? Well here’s my counter-offer… do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever loving shit out of you?

J.T.:
In your dreams.

Vinny Gambini:
Oh no no… in reality. If I was to kick the shit out of you, do I get the money?

Vinny Gambini:
What about these pants I got on? You think they’re okay?

Mona Lisa Vito:
Imagine you’re a deer. You’re prancing around. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the cool, clear water – BAM. A f***in’ bullet rips off part of your head. Your brains are lying on the ground in little bloody pieces. Now I ask you, do you give a f*** what kind of pants the son-of-a-bitch who shot you was wearing?

Vinny Gambini:
Your Honor, may I have permission to treat Ms. Vito as a hostile witness?

Mona Lisa Vito:
You think I’m hostile now, wait ’til you see me tonight.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Do you two know each other?

Vinny Gambini:
Yeah, she’s my fiancée.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Well, that would certainly explain the hostility.

Vinny Gambini:
What are you wearing?

Mona Lisa Vito:
What?

Vinny Gambini:
You look like a f***in’ tourist.

Mona Lisa Vito:
What about you?

Vinny Gambini:
I fit in better than you. At least I’m wearing cowboy boots.

Mona Lisa Vito:
Oh yeah, you blend.

Vinny Gambini:
Yeah, everything that guy just said is bullshit… Thank you.

D.A. Jim Trotter:
Objection. Counsel’s entire opening statement is argument.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Sustained. Counselor’s entire opening statement, with the exception of “Thank you” will be stricken from the record.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
The next words out of your mouth better be guilty or not guilty. I don’t want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than guilty or not guilty, you’ll be in contempt. I don’t even want to hear you clear your throat. Now how do your clients plead?

Vinny Gambini:
I think I get the point.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
No, I don’t think you do.

Vincent Gambini:
Ok, you can help. We’ll use your pictures. AH! These are, I’m sorry, these are going to be a help. I should have looked at these pictures before. I like this, uh, this is our first hotel room right? That’ll intimidate Trotter. Here’s one of me from behind. And I didn’t think I could feel worse than I did a couple of seconds ago. Thank you. Ah, here’s one of the tire marks. Could we get any farther away? What, did you shot this from up in a tree? What’s this over here? It’s dog shit. *Dog Shit!* That’s great! Dog shit, what a clue. Why didn’t I think of that? Here’s one of me reading. Terrific. I should’ve asked you along time ago for these pictures. *Holy shit*, honey, you got it! You did it! The case cracker, me in the shower! I love this! That’s it!

Vinny Gambini:
I got thirty f***ing minutes to take a shower, get a new suit, get dressed and get to the f***ing courthouse.

Lisa:
You f***ing shower, I’ll get your f***ing suit.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Mr. Gambini, didn’t I tell you that the next time you appear in my court that you dress appropriately?

Vinny Gambini:
You were serious about that?

Vinny Gambini:
Look, it’s either me or them. You’re gettin’ f***ed one way or the other. Heh he.

Vinny Gambini:
Hey, relax, I’m gonna help you.

Stan:
Gee thanks.

Vinny Gambini:
Excuse me, I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.

Stan:
You think I should be grateful?

Vinny Gambini:
Yeah, it’s your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your f***in’ knees.

Stan:
I didn’t know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.

Vinny Gambini:
I’m doing a favor, you know. You’re gettin’ me for nothing, you little f***.

Stan:
That’s one hell of an ego you got.

Vinny Gambini:
What the f*** is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.

Stan:
I’m not jerking you off. I’m not doing anything.

Vinny Gambini:
That’s it. You’re on your own. I’ll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.

Bill:
Vinny. Vinny bag’o donuts.

Vinny Gambini:
How the f*** did I get into this shit?

Lisa:
How’s your Chinese food?

Vinny Gambini:
“You just keep asking about Chinese food. You gotta let everybody know you’re a tourist?”

“Lisa:
Yeah well what are you, a f***ing world traveler?

Lisa:
Breakfast?

Vinny Gambini:
Ya think?

Bill:
We should get tuna.”

“Stan:
Please no more tuna.

Bill:
It has protein, we need protein.

Stan:
Beans have protein.

Bill:
Beans make you fart.

Stan:
We got a convertible.”

“Bill:
Uh oh. His lights are on.

Stan:
F***. F***. Goddammit. F***.

Vinny Gambini:
I bought a suit. You seen it. Now it’s covered in mud. This town doesn’t have a one hour cleaner so I had to buy a new suit, except the only store you could buy a new suit in has got the flu. Got that? The whole store got the flu so I had to get this in a second hand store. So it’s either wear the leather jacket which I know you hate, or this. So I wore this ridiculous thing for you.”

“Bill:
We think they’re trying to set us up as patsies, Ma. You know how corrupt it is down here. They all know each other.

Stan:
The Klan’s here. They’re inbred. They sleep with their sisters.”

“Stan:
Some of them do.

Lisa:
I want a wedding in church with bride’s maids and flowers.

Vinny Gambini:
Whoa. How many times did you say that spontaneous is romantic?

Lisa:
Hey, a burp is spontaneous. A burp is not romantic.”

“Vinny Gambini:
Sure, sure I heard of grits. I’ve just never actually SEEN a grit before

Vinny Gambini:
It is possible that the two utes…

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
…Ah, the two what? Uh… uh, what was that word?”

“Vinny Gambini:
Uh… what word?

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Two what?

Vinny Gambini:
What?

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Uh… did you say “utes”?”

“Vinny Gambini:
Yeah, two utes.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
What is a ute?

Vinny Gambini:
Oh, excuse me, Your Honor…”

“Vinny Gambini:
two YOUTHS.

D.A. Jim Trotter:
Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?

Lisa:
I’m an out-of-work hairdresser.”

“D.A. Jim Trotter:
An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?

Lisa:
It doesn’t.

Vinny Gambini:
Ms. Vito, you’re supposed to be some kinda expert in automobiles, is that correct?… Is that correct?

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Would you please answer the counselor’s question?”

“Mona Lisa Vito:
No, I hate him.

Vinny Gambini:
This f***ing jacket!

J.T.:
Hey there little Yankee wuss! Look here, ‘got your $200. You gonna kick the shit out of me now?”

“Vinny Gambini:
My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?”

“Vinny Gambini:
No. I’m just trying to explain.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
I don’t want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?

Vinny Gambini:
Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients…”

“Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Uh, Mr. Gambini?

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.

Vinny Gambini:
But your honor, my clients didn’t do anything.”

“Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Once again, the communication process broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I’m not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn’t do it.

Lisa:
What the f*** is going on here, Vinny? You f***ing up this case or what?

Vinny Gambini:
I explained it to you already, didn’t I? It’s procedure. I’m bound to f*** up a little.”

Lisa:
A little? You’ve been thrown in jail twice.

“Lisa:
Don’t worry, I’ll find a way to bail you out.

Vinny Gambini:
No don’t. I’m gonna stay in prison tonight. Maybe I’ll finally get some sleep. I’m doing good, huh?

Vinny Gambini:
Did you fall in your place or somebody else’s?

Neckbrace:
My place.”

“Vinny Gambini:
Shit.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
I tell you this because I want you to know that when it comes to procedure, I’m not a patient man. I advise your, sir, that when you come into my courtroom, you are to know the letter of the law. I react harshly when you don’t.”

“Vinny Gambini:
You should.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Don’t think that being from New York, you’re getting a special treatment.”

“Vinny Gambini:
I shouldn’t.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
You won’t. You’ll be given no leeway whatsoever.

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Now I expect you to know this information when you come into my courtroom.”

“Judge Chamberlain Haller:
You willing to accept those terms?

Vinny Gambini:
Sure. No problem.

Vinny Gambini:
Just this? Ha ha.”

“Vinny Gambini:
It’s a procedure. Like rebuilding a carburetor has a procedure. You know, when you rebuild a carburetor, the first thing you do is you take the carburetor off the manifold? Supposing you skip the first step, and while you’re replacing one of the jets, you accidentally drop the jet, it goes down the carburetor, rolls along the manifold, and goes into the head. You’re f***ed. You just learned the hard way that you gotta remove the carburetor first, right? So that’s all that happened to me today. I learned the hard way. Actually, it was a good learning experience for me.

Bill:
You have to see the Gambinis in action. I mean, these people, they love to argue. I mean, they live to argue.

Stan:
My parents argue too, it doesn’t make them good lawyers.”

“Bill:
Stan, I’ve seen your parents argue. Trust me, they’re amateurs.

Vinny Gambini:
Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what’s most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.’s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right?”

“Bill:
Right.

Vinny Gambini:
Let me show you something.

Vinny Gambini:
He’s going to show you the bricks. He’ll show you they got straight sides. He’ll show you how they got the right shape. He’ll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there’s one thing he’s not gonna show you.”

“Vinny Gambini:
When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they’re as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, ’cause you’re innocent. Nobody – I mean nobody – pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don’t think that I’m the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I’ll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.

Bill:
At my cousin Ruthie’s wedding, the groom’s brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I’m talking about?”

“Stan:
The magician with the ponytail?

Bill:
Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, “it’s in his pocket”, or “he’s palming it”, you know? Or, “there’s a mirror under the table.” I mean, he was like, he was like, “wait a second, wait a second, it’s joined in the middle, and there’s a spring around it, it pops it open when it’s inside the tube.” It was like Alakazam’s worst nightmare. Vinny was just being Vinny. He was just being the quintessential Gambini.”

“Vinny Gambini:
Well, I got a bullshit traffic ticket. I went to court, I got the cop on the stand, and I argued with him until he admitted he was wrong. And the judge, this Judge Malloy. All the while he’s laughing and smiling. And then afterwards, he asks me to go to lunch with him. Then he says to me, “you know what? You’d be a good litigator.” I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, I don’t know what a litigator is. I never thought of becoming a lawyer. But this Judge Malloy, who’s from Brooklyn, too? He did it, so all of a sudden, it seemed possible. So I went to law school.”

“Vinny Gambini:
Ms. Vito, it has been argued by me, the defense, that two sets of guys met up at the Sac-O-Suds, at the same time, driving identical metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertibles. Now, can you tell us by what you see in this picture, if the defense’s case holds water?

Vinny Gambini:
Ms. Vito, please answer the question: does the defense’s case hold water?”

“Mona Lisa Vito:
No! The defense is wrong!

Vinny Gambini:
Are you sure?

Mona Lisa Vito:
I’m positive.”

“Vinny Gambini:
How could you be so sure?

Mona Lisa Vito:
Because there is no way that these tire marks were made by a ’64 Buick Skylark convertible. These marks were made by a 1963 Pontiac Tempest.”

“D.A. Jim Trotter:
Objection, Your Honor! Can we clarify to the court whether the witness is stating opinion or fact?

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
This is your opinion?”

“Mona Lisa Vito:
It’s a fact!

Vinny Gambini:
I find it hard to believe that this kind of information could be ascertained simply by looking at a picture!

Mona Lisa Vito:
Would you like me to explain?”

“Vinny Gambini:
I would love to hear this!

Judge Chamberlain Haller:
So would I.”

“Mona Lisa Vito:
The car that made these two, equal-length tire marks had positraction. You can’t make these marks without positraction, which was not available on the ’64 Buick Skylark!

Vinny Gambini:
And why not? What is positraction?”

“Mona Lisa Vito:
It’s a limited slip differential which distributes power equally to both the right and left tires. The ’64 Skylark had a regular differential, which, anyone who’s been stuck in the mud in Alabama knows, you step on the gas, one tire spins, the other tire does nothing.

Vinny Gambini:
Is that it?”

“Mona Lisa Vito:
No, there’s more! You see where the left tire mark goes up on the curb and the right tire mark stays flat and even? Well, the ’64 Skylark had a solid rear axle, so when the left tire would go up on the curb, the right tire would tilt out and ride along its edge. But that didn’t happen here. The tire mark stayed flat and even. This car had an independent rear suspension. Now, in the ’60’s, there were only two other cars made in America that had positraction, and independent rear suspension, and enough power to make these marks. One was the Corvette, which could never be confused with the Buick Skylark. The other had the same body length, height, weight, wheel base, and wheel track as the ’64 Skylark, and that was the 1963 Pontiac Tempest.

Vinny Gambini:
And because both cars were made by GM, were both cars available in metallic mint green paint?

Mona Lisa Vito:
They were!”

“Vinny Gambini:
Thank you, Ms. Vito. No more questions. Thank you very much.

Vinny Gambini:
You’ve been a lovely, lovely witness.

Vinny Gambini:
Mr. Wilbur, how’d you like Ms. Vito’s testimony?”

“George Wilbur:
Very impressive.

Vinny Gambini:
She’s cute too, huh?

George Wilbur:
Yes, very.”

“Judge Chamberlain Haller:
Mr. Gambini…

Vinny Gambini:
Sorry, Your Honor.

Vinny Gambini:
Sheriff Farley, uh… what’d you find out?”

“Sheriff Dean Farley:
On a hunch, I took it upon myself to check out if there was any information on a ’63 Pontiac Tempest stolen or abandoned recently. This computer readout confirms that two boys, who fit the defendants’ description, were arrested two days ago by Sheriff Tillman in Jasper County, Georgia, for driving a stolen metallic mint green 1963 Pontiac Tempest, with a white convertible top, Michelin Model XGV tires, size 75-R-14.

Vinny Gambini:
Is that it?

Sheriff Dean Farley:
No. A .357 Magnum revolver was found in their possession.”

“Vinny Gambini:
Sheriff Farley, just to refresh the court’s memory, what caliber bullet was used to murder Jimmy Willis?

Sheriff Dean Farley:
.357 Magnum.

Vinny Gambini:
The defense rests.”

“Vinny Gambini:
Bill, listen. Take your time, pick the right words, get back to New York, give me a call.

Mona Lisa Vito:
So what’s your problem?

Vinny Gambini:
My problem is, I wanted to win my first case without any help from anybody.

Mona Lisa Vito:
Well, I guess that plan’s moot.

Vinny Gambini:
Yeah.”

“Mona Lisa Vito:
You know, this could be a sign of things to come. You win all your cases, but with somebody else’s help, right? you win case after case, and then afterwards you have to go up to somebody and you have to say, “thank you.”

“Mona Lisa Vito:
Oh my God, what a f***ing nightmare!

Mona Lisa Vito:
Don’t you wanna know why Trotter gave you his files?”

“Vinny Gambini:
I told you why already.

Mona Lisa Vito:
He has to, by law, you’re entitled. It’s called disclosure, you dickhead! He has to show you everything, otherwise it could be a mistrial. He has to give you a list of all his witnesses, you can talk to all his witnesses, he’s not allowed any surprises.

Mona Lisa Vito:
They didn’t teach you that in law school either?”

“Mona Lisa Vito:
What name did you tell him?

Vinny Gambini:
Jerry Gallo.

Mona Lisa Vito:
Jerry Gallo! The big attorney.

Vinny Gambini:
Yeah.”

“Mona Lisa Vito:
Think that was a smart move?

Vinny Gambini:
Yeah, well, the man’s a seriously accomplished lawyer. If he checks up on this guy, his name will come up all over the place.

Mona Lisa Vito:
His name was in the papers all last week.”

“Vinny Gambini:
Yeah, I saw that.

Mona Lisa Vito:
But you didn’t actually read the articles.

Vinny Gambini:
No”

“Mona Lisa Vito:
Too bad.

Vinny Gambini:
Why’s that?”

“Mona Lisa Vito:
‘Cause he’s dead.

Vinny:
I got no more use for this guy.”

“- Jim Trotter III: Ms. Vito, what is your current profession?
– Mona Lisa Vito: I’m an out-of-work hairdresser.
– Jim Trotter III: An out-of-work hairdresser. In what way does that qualify you as an expert in automobiles?
– Mona Lisa Vito: It doesn’t.”

“It’s a procedure. Like rebuilding a carburetor has a procedure. You know, when you rebuild a carburetor, the first thing you do is you take the carburetor off the manifold? Supposing you skip the first step, and while you’re replacing one of the jets, you accidentally drop the jet, it goes down the carburetor, rolls along the manifold, and goes…”
“- Mona Lisa Vito: Don’t worry, I’ll find a way to bail you out.
– Vinny Gambini: No don’t. I’m gonna stay in prison tonight. Maybe I’ll finally get some sleep. I’m doing good, huh?”

“- Bill Gambini: At my cousin Ruthie’s wedding, the groom’s brother was that guy Alakazam. You know who I’m talking about?
– Stan Rothenstein: The magician with the ponytail?
– Bill Gambini: Right. Well, he did his act, and every time he made something disappear, Vinny jumped on him. I mean, he nailed him! It was like, it’s in his pocket, or he’s…”
“- Vinny Gambini: I won my first case, you know what this means…
– Mona Lisa Vito: Yeah, you think I’m gonna marry you.
– Vinny Gambini: What, now you’re not gonna marry me?
– Mona Lisa Vito: No way. You can’t even win a case by yourself, you’re fuckin’ useless.”

“- Vinny Gambini: Uh… everything that guy just said is bullshit… Thank you.
– Jim Trotter III: Objection. Counsel’s entire opening statement is argumentative.
– Judge Chamberlain Haller: Sustained. Counselor’s entire opening statement… with the exception of thank you… will be stricken from the record.”

“- Stan Rothenstein: No, you’re being booked for shoplifting. I’m being booked for accessory to shoplifting.
– Bill Gambini: No Stan, I’m being booked for murder, you’re being booked for accessory to murder.”

“Support? Is that what you want? I’m sorry, you were wonderful in there! The way you handled that judge… ooh you are a smooth talker. You are… you are!”

“- Judge Chamberlain Haller: When you come into my court looking like you do, you not only insult me, but you insult the integrity of this court!
– Vinny Gambini: I apologise, sir, but, uh… this is how I dress.
– Judge Chamberlain Haller: Fine. I’ll let you off this one time. The next time you appear in my court, you will look lawyerly. And I…”

“- Vinny Gambini: Lisa, I don’t need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I’ve got a judge that’s just aching to throw me in jail. An idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars. Slaughtered pigs. Giant loud whistles. I ain’t slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in…”
“- Vinny Gambini: What’s this over here?
– Grits Cook: You never heard of grits?
– Vinny Gambini: Sure, I’ve heard of grits. I just never actually seen a grit before.”

“No self-respectin’ Southerner uses instant grits. I take pride in my grits.”
witness answering during the trial

“Mona Lisa: What?
Vinny: Nothing, you stick out like a sore thumb around here.
Mona Lisa: Me? What about you?
Vinny: I fit in better than you. At least I’m wearing cowboy boots.
Mona Lisa: Oh, yeah, you blend.”

“Guard: Here. Got somebody for you. (Vinny slips guard a ‘tip’, and enters the cell)
Vinny: You must be Stan, how you doin.
Stan: Why’d they bring you in here?
Vinny: Well I just got in. I asked where the new guys were, and they brought me in here. Hey, sleeping, huh? Cute little guy. You know, maybe I should start with you. Let him sleep a little bit.
Stan: I don’t wanna do this.
[Stan thinks Vinny, his attorney, is a new cellmate intent on sodomizing him.]
Vinny: Hey, I don’t blame you. If I was in your situation, I’d want to get through this whole thing as quickly, and with as little pain as possible. So, you know, let’s try our best to make this a simple, in-and-out procedure. What’s the matter? Hey relax, relax. You know, maybe we should spend a couple minutes together. You know, to get acquainted before we uh, you know, before we get to it. What’s wrong with you?
Stan: I don’t wanna do this.
Vinny: I understand, but you know, what are your alternatives?
Stan: My alternatives? To what, to you? I don’t know, suicide, death…
Vinny: Look, it’s either me or them. You’re getting fucked one way or the other. (Stan tries to get up) Hey, lighten up. Don’t worry, I’m gonna help you.
Stan: Gee, thanks.
Vinny: Excuse me, but I think a modicum of gratitude would not be out of line here.
Stan: You think I should be grateful?
Vinny: Yeah, it’s your ass, not mine. I think you should be grateful. I think you should be down on your fucking knees.
Stan: I’m sorry I didn’t know it was such an honor to get a visit from you.
Vinny: Hey I’m doing a favor here, you know. You’re getting me for nothing, you little fuck.
Stan: Boy, that’s one hell of an ego you got.
Vinny: What the fuck is your problem? I did not come down here just to get jerked off.
Stan: No. No, no. I’m not jerking you off. I’m not doing anything.
Vinny: That’s it. You’re on your own. I’ll just take care of Sleeping Beauty.
[Wakes up Bill]
Bill: Vinny. Vinny, bag o’ donuts.”

“Vinny: Is that a drip I hear?
Mona Lisa: Yeah.
Vinny: Weren’t you the last one to use the bathroom?
Mona Lisa: So?
Vinny: Well, did you use the faucet?
Mona Lisa: Yeah.
Vinny: Why didn’t you turn it off?
Mona Lisa: I did turn it off.
Vinny: Well, if you turned it off, why am I listening to it?
Mona Lisa: Did it ever occur to you that it could be turned off and drip at the same time?
Vinny: No, because if you turned it off, it wouldn’t drip.
Mona Lisa: Maybe it’s broken.
Vinny: Is that what you’re saying? It’s broken?
Mona Lisa: Yeah, that’s it; it’s broken.
Vinny: You sure?
Mona Lisa: I’m positive.
Vinny: Maybe you didn’t twist it hard enough.
Mona Lisa: I twisted it just right.
Vinny: How can you be so sure?
Mona Lisa: If you will look in the manual, you will see that this particular model faucet requires a range of 10-16 foot pounds of torque. I routinely twist the maximum allowable torquage.
Vinny: How can you be sure you used 16 foot pounds of torque?
Mona Lisa: Because I used a Craftsman model 1019 Laboratory edition, signature series torque wrench. The kind used by Cal Tech High Energy physicists, and NASA engineers.
Vinny: In that case, how can you be sure that’s accurate?
Mona Lisa: Because a split second before the torque wrench was applied to the faucet handle, it had been calibrated by top members of the state and federal Departments of Weights and Measures, to be dead-on balls accurate. Here’s the certificate of validation.
Vinny: “Dead-on balls accurate”?
Mona Lisa: It’s an industry term.
Vinny: I guess the fucking thing is broken.”

“Vinny: My clients were caught completely by surprise. They thought they were getting arrested for shoplifting a can of tuna.
Judge Haller: What are you telling me? That they plead not guilty?
Vinny: No. I’m just trying to explain.
Judge Haller: I don’t want to hear explanations. The state of Alabama has a procedure. And that procedure is to have an arraignment. Are we clear on this?
Vinny: Yes, but there seems to be a great deal of confusion here. You see, my clients–
Judge Haller: Uh, Mr. Gambini? (motions for him to approach the bench) All I ask from you is a very simple answer to a very simple question. There are only two ways to answer it: guilty or not guilty.
Vinny: But your honor, my clients didn’t do anything.
Judge Haller: Once again, the communication process is broken down. It appears to me that you want to skip the arraignment process, go directly to trial, skip that, and get a dismissal. Well, I’m not about to revamp the entire judicial process just because you find yourself in the unique position of defending clients who say they didn’t do it. The next words out of your mouth better be “guilty” or “not guilty.” I don’t want to hear commentary, argument, or opinion. If I hear anything other than “guilty” or “not guilty”, you’ll be in contempt. I don’t even want to hear you clear your throat. Now, (enunciating) how do your clients plead?
Vinny: (enunciating) I think I get the point.
Judge Haller: No, I don’t think you do. You’re now in contempt of court. Would you like to go for two counts of contempt?
Vinny: Not guilty.
Judge Haller: Thank you.”

“Stan: Why didn’t you ask them any questions?!
Vinny: Questions? Ask who questions?
Bill: You knew you could ask questions, didn’t you Vin?
Stan: Maybe if you put up some kind of a fight, you could have gotten the case thrown out!
Vinny: Hey, Stan. You’re in Ala-fuckin-bama. You come from New York. You killed a good old boy. There is NO WAY this is not going to trial.”

“Vinny: Look, maybe I could have handled the preliminary a little better, okay? I admit it. But what’s most important is winning the case. I could do it. I really could. Let me tell you how, okay? The D.A.’s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right? (puts his hand on the wall)”
Bill: Right.
“Vinny: Let me show you something. (he holds up a playing card, the ace of spades, with the face toward Billy) He’s going to show you the bricks. He’ll show you they got straight sides. He’ll show you how they got the right shape. He’ll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there’s one thing he’s not gonna show you. (turns the card, so that its edge is toward Billy. The card is now a joker.) When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they’re as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, ’cause you’re innocent. Nobody, I mean nobody, pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don’t think that I’m the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I’ll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.”

“Vinny: Uh, everything that guy just said is bullshit. Thank you.
Jim Trotter: Objection, Your Honor, counsel’s entire opening statement is argument.
Judge Haller: Objection sustained. Counsel’s entire opening statement, with the exception of “thank you,” will be stricken from the record.”

“Vinny: Oh you like grits? I like grits too, how do you like your grits? Regular, creamy or al dente?
Tipton: Uh, regular I guess.”

“Vinny: What about these pants I got on? You think they’re okay? Ho!
Mona Lisa: Imagine you’re a deer. You’re prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water…bam! A fucking bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now, I ask ya, would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son-of-a-bitch who shot you was wearing?!”

“Vinny: Hey, Vincent LaGuardia Gambini–
Lisa: His name’s J.T.
Vinny: J.T., I believe you and Lisa played a game of pool for two hundred dollars, which she won; I’m here to collect.
J.T.: How ’bout if I just kick your ass?
Vinny: Oh, a counteroffer. That’s what we lawyers, I’m a lawyer, call that a counteroffer. Let me see, this is a tough decision you’re giving me here. Get my ass kicked or collect two hundred dollars. Hmm, let me think. I could use a good ass kicking, I’ll be very honest with you. Nah, I think I’ll just go with the two hundred.
[The people in the room laugh]
J.T.: Over my dead body.
Vinny: You like to renegotiate as you go along, huh? Okay then, here’s my counteroffer: do I have to kill you? What if I were just to kick the ever-loving shit out of you?
J.T.: In your dreams.
Vinny: Oh, no, no, in reality. If I was to kick the shit outta ya, do I get the money?
JT: (contemplates this) If you kick the shit outta me…
Vinny: Yeah?
J.T.: …then you get the money.
[Some people weakly laugh. Vinny looks at a guy who’s in a neck brace.]
Vinny: What happened? Rear-ended?
Guy: No, I fell.
Vinny: Oh. Okay, lets see if we agree on the terms. The choice now is: I get my ass kicked, or, option B: I kick your ass, and collect the $200. I’m goin with option B, (takes his coat off) kicking your ass and collectin’ two-hundred dollars.
J.T.: Are we gonna fight now?
Vinny: Yeah, first let me see the money.
J.T.: I have the money.
Vinny: All right, show it to me.
J.T.: I can get it.
Vinny: You can get it? All right, go get it. Then we’ll fight.”

“Vinny: What’s the matter with you?
Mona Lisa: I don’t know.
Vinny: You’re acting like you’re nervous or something.
Mona Lisa: Well, yeah, I am.
Vinny: What are you nervous about? I’m the one that’s under the gun here. Trial starts tomorrow.
Mona Lisa: You wanna know what I’m nervous about? I’ll tell you what I’m nervous about. I am in the dark here with all this legal crap. I have no idea what’s going on. All I know is that you’re screwing up and I can’t help.
Vinny: You left me a little camera, didn’t you?
Mona Lisa: Oh, Vinny! I’m watching you go down in flames, and you’re bringing me with you, and I can’t do anything about it!
Vinny: And?
Mona Lisa: Well, I hate to bring it up because I know you’ve got enough pressure on you already. But, we agreed to get married as soon as you won your first case. Meanwhile, ten years later, my niece, the daughter of my sister is getting married. My biological clock is (stamps foot three times) ticking like this, and the way this case is going, I ain’t never getting married!
Vinny: Lisa, I don’t need this. I swear to God, I do not need this right now, okay? I’ve got a judge that’s just aching to throw me in jail, an idiot who wants to fight me for two hundred dollars, slaughtered pigs, giant loud whistles. I ain’t slept in five days. I got no money, a dress code problem, and a little murder case which, in the balance, holds the lives of two innocent kids, not to mention your (stamps foot three times) biological clock; my career, your life, our marriage, and let me see, what else can we pile on? Is there any more shit we can pile on to the top of the outcome of this case?! (Stares upward to indicate him thinking of anything else) Is it possible?! (looks up again)
Mona Lisa: Maybe it was a bad time to bring it up.”

 

 

 

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