100+ Mitch Hedberg Quotes That Will Get You In Touch With Your Humorous Side

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Mitch Hedberg (Photo by Jason Squires/WireImage) *** Local Caption **

Mitch Hedberg quotes that will get you in touch with your humorous side.There are days when you need to read a few quotes to really understand the meaning of life and work. There are quotes that are spoken by many famous people from various backgrounds and professions and these will surely help you in many ways. There are so many Mitch Hedberg quotes that can help you when you are tired of being in the same old rut, and all you need is a little push, a little inspiration and these quotes will give you just that as they have been spoken by wise people. Luckily, the internet is full of amazing Mitch Hedberg quotes that will make you look at life through new eyes. These Mitch Hedberg quotes will help make your day and you will feel better about yourself, your job and your life.

Mitch Hedberg was born on February 24, in the year, 1968 and he had been a very famous stand-up comedian, and Mitch Hedberg is well-known for his unconventional, often deadpan comedic delivery and humour. Mitch Hedberg’s comedy had featured short, one-line jokes and was mixed with a lot of absurd elements and even non-sequiturs.

Mitch Hedberg’s comedy and his onstage persona had earned him a huge cult following, with the audience members at times even shouting out the punchlines of his jokes before Mitch Hedberg could finish.

Mitch Hedberg had then started his stand-up career in Florida, and then Mitch Hedberg had moved to Seattle and started his tour. Mitch Hedberg had the made an appearance on MTV’s Comikaze, followed with a 1996 appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman which had given Mitch Hedberg his big break. Mitch Hedberg had then earned the 1997 grand prize at the Seattle Comedy Competition.

In the year 1999, Mitch Hedberg had completed his independent feature film, known as Los Enchiladas!, which he had written, produced, directed, and also starred in.

So many personalities across the world have spoken words of wisdom and these have become household quotes in schools and homes. Mitch Hedberg quotes have helped many across the world who have been looking for inspiration and motivation.  Mitch Hedberg has been quoted saying a lot of wise things that have surprised many because of his high level of intellect and method of thinking. As you go through these Mitch Hedberg quotes, you will become a new person and will realise what life is really all about. The phrasing of the statements contributes to a lot to the effectiveness of the quotes and a study conducted in the year, 2000 had proven that when people were shown two statements of the same saying, the participants said that preferred the rhyming aphorism quotes.Mitch Hedberg quotes are just like these so you will surely love them.

Mitch Hedberg has really been through a lot of situations in life and so, these quotes crop up form real life experiences. Mitch Hedberg quotes have been said after many years of experience and struggles and so you can always apply them to your life and your situations and try and make a better future for yourself. These Mitch Hedberg quotes will help you in renewing your spirit and mind in ways you have never imagined. As you scroll down the page and read these Mitch Hedberg quotes, be ready to see a new you, because these quotes are more than just words, they are magic and the truth of life that will change the way you think. So, here we have for you some Mitch Hedberg quotes which will paint a new picture of life for you.

1. “One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.”

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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2. “A severed foot is the perfect stocking stuffer.”

Mitch Hedberg Quotes (2)

3. “If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.”

Mitch Hedberg Quotes (3)

4.”I’m gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.”

Mitch Hedberg (Photo by Jason Squires/WireImage) *** Local Caption **

5. “Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.”

Mitch Hedberg

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6.”You can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.”

7.”My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.”

8.”I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too… I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'”

9. “I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”

10. “Why are there no during pictures.”

11. “I played golf… I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying…”

12. “I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.”

13. “So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.”

14. “I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide…”

15. “That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me.”

16. “I like to close my eyes on the stage, because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.”

17.”I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.”

18. “People teach their dogs to sit, it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”

19. “I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil – and the devil was dill.”

20. “It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky…”

21. “Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know, because what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. ‘Look what I got… This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick somethin’ up.'”

22. “I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.”

23. “Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.”

24. “I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don’t relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.”

25. “I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick?”

26. “Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.”

27. “Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!”

28. “This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… it’s dirty.”

29. “Spaghetti… I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I’ll have 1000 pieces of noodles.”

30. “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”

31. “People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”

32. “It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?”

33. “Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?”

34. “If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.”

35. “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.”

36. “I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”

37. “I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.”

38. “I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.”

39. “I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.”

40. “This shirt is ‘dry-clean only’… Which means it’s dirty.”

41. “I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring”.

42.”The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall”.

43. “You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later”.

44. “Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day”.

45. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too”.

46. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them”.

47. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long”.

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48. “Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?”

49. “Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having”.

50. “i like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something”.

51. “I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said, “Forget everything you know about” slipcovers.” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were”.

52. “Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say I’m gonna go shave, too”.

53. “i order the club sandwich all the time, but I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it”.

54. “I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, so it died”.

55. “My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin on down there? Who is the real hero”?

56.” I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that’s funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain’t funny”.

57. “I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down”.

58. “If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I’d be making money in a very weird way”.

59. “I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a woman who would get really angry if she heard me say that”.

60. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like “Dude, you have to wait”.

61. “I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.”

62, “My hotel doesn’t have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c’mon man… People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.”

63. “I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.”

64. “I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

65. “Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?”

66. “I got a king sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable.”

67. “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”

68. “I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”

69. “You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”

70. “Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!”

71. “Listerine hurts. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I’m angry. Germs do not go quietly.”

72. “I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.”

73. “They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There’s more to it than that.”

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74. “Dogs are forever in the push-up position.”

75. “I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same.”

76. “Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?”

77. “You can’t have seaweed as a house plant because you’d have to water it way too much.” –

78. “I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.” –

79. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”

80.“If you don’t like the parade, run in the opposite direction, you will fast forward the parade.”

81. “Last week I helped my friend stay put, it’s not easy helping someone move.”

82. “Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around, but what they are really saying is, I can’t knit, get this away from me”.

83. “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.”

84. “A fly was very close to being called a land, cause that’s what they do half the time.”

85. “I was gonna get my teeth whitened but then I decided to get a tan instead.”

86. “The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”

87. “I went to the store and brought 8 apples, the clerk said, ‘you want me to put them in a bag?‘ and I said, ‘oh no man, I juggle‘.”

88. “I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.”

89. “I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.”

90. “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.”

91. “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality”.

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92. “It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky”.

93. “I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle”.

94. “You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something”.

95. “Spaghetti… I can’t eat spaghetti, there’s too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I’ll have 1,000 pieces of noodles”.

96. “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something”.

97. “An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience”.

98. “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality”.

99. “I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit”.

100. “I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life”.

101. “Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!”

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