60+ Mitch Hedberg Jokes Are Sure To Tickle Your Funny Bone

mitch hedberg jokes

Not by the late ’90s and mid 2000s, when he was topping as a standup comic, and seemed to have lurched in front of an audience minutes in the wake of ascending from a barstool stopped during the 1970s.

All of Mitch Hedberg’s demonstration was obviously one of a kind: the curt conveyance, eyes depressedand typically holed up behind shades, in any case, his uncanny mood, the manner in which he’d trust that a group of people will make up for lost time to a punchline, that little grin he’d give them when they got there.

The St. Paul local’s exhibition uneasiness was serious stuff – watch a youthful Mitch Hedberg showing up on the Late Show with David Letterman, killing, while the mouthpiece shakes in his grasp – and he regularly kept up a running analysis about whether individuals were having a decent time, and whether that last joke was any great.

Mitch Hedberg turned his precious stone edged mind on the manners in which we trick ourselves in language, business, connections, and character, cutting through layers of silliness. In his next line, Mitch Hedberg’s creative mind would design new preposterousness, stuff unquestionably more fun than what we’re left with, in actuality.

We urge you to invest some energy giving Mitch Hedberg a chance to meander around inside your head for some time. You may never get Mitch Hedberg out, yet that is alright, it’s progressively fun with Mitch Hedberg in there in any case.

Beneath, we’ve incorporated 60+ Mitch Hedberg jokes, in addition to a couple of reward Comedy Central recordings of Mitch Hedberg performing, or clasps of his jokes showed as kid’s shows.

My friend said, “You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.” I was like, “Dude, you gotta give me time to guess.”

Mitch Hedberg

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I like rice, rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

famous mitch hedberg jokes

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

funny mitch hedberg jokes

When I was a boy, I would lay in my twin sized bed and wonder where my brother was.

mitch hedberg jokes

I have a vest. If my arms got cut off, it would be a jacket.

popular mitch hedberg jokes

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When I was 18, I was kind of sick of living here, so my friend Tim and I packed up his Volare. We moved from Minnesota to Florida. We wanted to move to Texas, but the front-end alignment was bad.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish. They just want to make it late for something.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? “Don’t even act like I didn’t get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here!”

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there’s more to it than that. “Want some more homemade Sprite?” “Not til you figure out what the fuck else is in it.”

When it comes to racism, people say, “I don’t care if someone is white, black, purple, or green.” Hold on now. Purple or green? You’ve gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people.

I did comedy for a fundraiser, cuz I have a big heart. We were trying to raise money for one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.

I was at a casino, standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, “You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking the fire exit.” As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

The thing that’s depressing about tennis is no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

I got to act with Peter Frampton in a movie. We had to smoke pot for a scene, but it was fake pot. Do not buy pot on a movie set. But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton, that’s a cool story. It’s as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton. I’ve done that way more.

I find that ducks’ opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I saw this wino who was eating grapes. It’s like, “Dude, you have to wait.”

If I had nine fingers missing, I wouldn’t type any slower.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

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As a comedian living in Hollywood, everyone wants me to do things besides comedy. “Can you act?” “Write us a script!” They want me to do things related to comedy, but not comedy. It’s as though I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they said, “Okay, you’re a cook. Can you farm?”

Dr. Scholl makes foot products, and he’s a doctor, so he went to school a long time. But it doesn’t take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That guy wasted lots of time at school, cuz I would’ve bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl.

I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest, and say, “You’re home!”

When someone on the street tries to hand me a flier, it’s like they’re saying, “Here, you throw this away.”

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just gonna ask them where they’re going and catch up with them later.

When I was on acid, I would see things. Like beams of light. And I would hear sounds… that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. I don’t know what’s really happening down there. Who is the real hero?

If you’re a fish and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have really good posture. You can’t be a slouchy fish or you will be a fish clump.

I saw a commercial on late-night TV that said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers!” So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn’t know what the hell they were.

I went to the doctor and all he did was suck blood from my neck. Do not go see Dr. Acula.

Dogs are forever in the pushup position.

When I drive a rental car, I don’t know what’s going on with it, right? So a lot of times I’ll drive for, like, 10 miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn’t say a lot for me, but it really doesn’t say a lot for the emergency brake. It’s really not an emergency brake, it’s an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault.

This shirt is dry-clean only, which means it’s dirty.

I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said “Fuck that, I’ll just make a copy.”

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Alcoholism is a disease. But it’s like the only disease you can get yelled at for having. “Damnit, Otto, you’re an alcoholic!” “Damnit, Otto, you have lupus!” One of those two doesn’t sound right.

I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It’s beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex-landlord.

I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine five years from now, saying “Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!”

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy. All day.

My roommate said to me, “I’m gonna go shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?” It’s like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

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It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in, even if I don’t want one. By the time it’s done, who knows?

I was gonna get my teeth whitened, but then I said, “Fuck that, I’ll just get a tan.”

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.

I get the Reese’s candy bar, if you read that name Reese’s that’s an apostrophe-S. Reese-apostrophe-‘s’, on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. Next time you’re eating a Reese’s candy bar and a guy named Reese comes by and says “Let me have that,” you better hand it over. “I’m sorry, Reese, I didn’t think I’d ever run into you!”

I hate sandwiches at New York delis, there’s too much fucking meat on the sandwich. It’s like a cow with a cracker on either side. “What would you like sir?” “A pastrami sandwich.” “Anything else?” “Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people.”

I like to drink red wine. This girl said, “Doesn’t it give you a headache?” Yeah, eventually. But the first and the middle part are amazing.

I have no problem not listening to the Temptations, which is weird.

I like refried beans. That’s why I want to try fried beans, cuz maybe they’re just as good, and we’re wasting time.

When you go to a restaurant and it’s busy, they start a waiting list. They call out names, they say, “Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two.” And if no one answers they’ll say their name again. “Dufrene, party of two. Dufrene, party of two.” But then if no one answers, they just go right on to the next name. “Bush, party of three.” Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing!

Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier’n helpin’ ’em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly!

At the end of a letter I like to write “P.S. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck. Don’t go see Dr. Acula.

It’s hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. “Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, hey this song is funky.”

Yeah, I’m not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete’s foot, I’d say that’s not my foot!

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match “It’s a fight to the finish”. That’s a good place to end.

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, “Mitch,” and I say, “what” and turn my head slightly.

I like to smoke a pipe, because it’s the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it’s the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic! Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus! One of those two doesn’t sound right.

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You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That’s crazy. That would knock you on your butt.

There’s a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn’t laughing. “Oh, distinctive laugh doesn’t think that joke was funny!”

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.


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