Marriage Jokes are only that: an awful joke. Yet, once in a while a joke is so stunning silly that it rises above its own dreadfulness and arrives at a higher plane of entertaining. You would prefer not to snicker—each self-regarding some portion of your cerebrum is dismissing the roaring motivation. However, you can’t support yourself. That is the point at which you realize you have an awful marriage joke so ghastly that it’s really clever.
Also, the thing is, everybody needs an awful joke from time to time Call them “father jokes” in the event that you should, however, it’s not simply fathers who love a decent groaner. In this, we’ve gathered 100+ Marriage Jokes from the best clever terrible jokes that will make them snicker so hard you cry—regardless of how hard you attempt and stand up to.
Here we go!
Lady to her better half while at it: “If it’s not too much trouble direct messy sentiments toward me!”
Man: “Shower, Kitchen, Living room…”
My child needed to realize what it resembles to be hitched. I guided him to disregard me and when he did I asked him for what reason he was overlooking me.
I got a greeting for a wedding. I replied: Maybe next time. Much obliged.
I experienced a costly and excruciating method yesterday, having had my spine and the two gonads expelled. In any case, a portion of the wedding presents were phenomenal.
Me as best man:
I heard the best man’s discourse should keep going as long as the man of the hour endures in bed. Much thanks for your consideration. Appreciate the wedding.
My significant other’s cooking is so terrible we as a rule ask after our nourishment.
Q: Why doesn’t our popularity based society license a man to have 2 spouses?
A: Because our laws secure us against savage and bizarre discipline.
My significant other disclosed to me she needs more space. I said no issue and kept her out of
My significant other and I have been hitched for many years and my better half asked me as of late to get a few pills that would ensure I’d be up to some activity in the room once more.
I brought home eating routine pills. Obviously particularly not what she implied.
What to give a man who has everything? A lady. She’ll disclose to him how everything functions.
I think as relationships go, we’re doing completely magnificent, I mean I get the chance to lay down with my better half almost consistently!
Almost on Monday
Almost on Tuesday
Almost on Wednesday
Almost on Thursday
Almost on Friday
Almost on Saturday
Almost on Sunday
I attempted to re-wed my ex.
In any case, she made sense of I was simply after my cash.
I got a consider revealing to me my better half’s been taken to the medical clinic.
“Goodness my Lord, how is she?!” I inquired.
“I’m sorry to learn she’s basic,” said the medical attendant.
“What the hell would she say she is griping about once more?!”
So the next time, if you want a break from your regular routine, just read these 100+ Marriage Jokes That Aren’t So Bad Yet Funny for a new experience!
Will you marry me? Is a marriage proposal. Will, you, Mary, me? Is a foursome proposal.
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is… Scaring men is easy.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door.
She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there.
He asks the lady, “Do you have a Vagina?”
She slams the door in disgust.
The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, “Do you have a Vagina?”
She slams the door again.
Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days.
The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, “Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just incase this guy shows up again.”
The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door.
The husband whisperes to the wife, “Honey, im going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the
question because I want to a see where he’s going with this.”
She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.
Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, “Do you have a Vagina?”
“Yes I do.” says the lady.
The man replies, “Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife’s alone and start using yours!”
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The husband said, “No sweetie.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”
Then the wife asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
And the husband replied, “No, she’s left handed.”
There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks, “What’s the matter?”
The man says, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend.”
The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.
The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”
The man says, “I found out that my son is gay.”
The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”
The man looks up and says, “Apprently my wife does.”
One night a man walks into a bar looking sad. The bartender asks the man what he wants.
The man says “Oh just a beer”.
The bartender asked the man “Whats wrong,why are you so down today?”.
The man said “My wife and i got into a fight,and she said she would’nt talk to me for a month”.
The bartender said “So whats wrong with that”?
The man siad “Well the month is up tonight”.
A newlywed couple moves into their new house.
One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?”
The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?”
A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?”
Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard.
The wife finds a leak in the roof.
She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?”
He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?”
The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed.
So is the plumbing. So is the car.
He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls.
Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband.
“What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity:
looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long?
Hit the damn ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse.
I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” says his partner.
“You’ll never hit her from here.”
The person next to me on this train hasn’t stopped talking loudly the whole journey! I’m starting to regret marrying her.
Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me “Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace” So I bought her nothing.
Before I tell my wife something important, I take both her hands in mine. That way she can’t hit me with them.
Nurse: “We need a stool sample and a urine sample.”
Man to wife: “What did she say?”
Wife to husband: “They want your underwear.”
My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes – about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
I don’t think I’ll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother’s Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.
You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
All men are not fools, there are still some bachelors.
My wife made me a green hamburger today to celebrate St Patricks Day. I asked her how she colored it and she said she didn’t know what I was talking about.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My wife’s not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, “All kids smell that way.”
Never get on one knee for a girl who won’t get on two for you.
Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that… ‘This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose’
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.
My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
Whenever my wife packs me a salad for lunch all I wanna know is what I did wrong.
My wife complained that the vacuum sucks too hard on the rugs and I made a joke… anyway, I’m sleeping on the couch tonight.
I always adjust the seat and mirrors when I drive my husband’s car so he doesn’t forget he’s married.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My wife is going to qualify for free shipping no matter how much it costs.
I need to start paying closer attention to stuff. Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.
My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
People who live in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.
Just a reminder to all married people: If you have promised your wife or husband that you will love her 24/7, then today is 24/7!
My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.
What’s the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren’t that lonely.
Wives are like grenades… Remove the ring and boom, a house is gone!
An old woman at a wedding told me that I’m next… so I said that to her at a funeral.
My wife can eat one Reese’s peanut butter cup and save the other one for later, so I’m clearly married to a supernatural being.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status “I’m getting a divorce,” he was the first one to click Like.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
You should argue with your wife only when she’s not around.
Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship “I apologize” and “You are right.”
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
It’s uncomfortable when the neighbor’s kids look like you.
Barking dog at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in. Which one do you let in? The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!
Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn’t mean that all men are blind.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie. She meant goals
The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Marriage is like coffee. First it’s really hot. Then it’s just right. Then it helps you to get off your ass and do things.
The best part of being married on Valentine’s Day is having all your expectations fulfilled. Because you have no expectations.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings… and lawyers.
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
Marriage is full of surprises but it’s mostly just asking each other “do you have to do that right now?”
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Nothing says I love you like divorce papers.
A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.
Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn’t change soon, I’m gonna divorce her.
I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
How can you tell soap operas are fictional? In real life, men aren’t affectionate out of bed.
What does a condom and a husband have in common? They both got used and thrown out.
What book do you like the most?
Woman: “My husband’s checkbook.”
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh.
If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she’s sleeping.
I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” She said, “Somewhere I have never been!” I told her, “How about the kitchen?”
It’s better to be the first lover than a third wife.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
I should have known that my marriage was bound to be doomed when my wife choose to have her vows be read from the Necronomicom.
I made dinner reservations for my wife’s birthday and told the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card her.
Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.
I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.
The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.
The Rock’s wife introducing him to her friends: “This is Dwayne “my rock” Johnson.”
Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
My wife said wanted something shiny that went from 0-150 in under 2 seconds. I gave her a scale.
Do you need space? Join NASA!
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
Why don’t women want to get engaged on St Patricks Day? ‘Cause they don’t want to get a “sham rock”.
Are you Christmas, because I want to Merry you.
I’m going to have to ask you to leave. We were just informed you are a humanitarian, and my wife is afraid you’re going to eat her.
Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman’s marriage.
How many cats equal a husband?
What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after!
What’s the hardest thing about dating a blind woman? Getting her husband’s voice just right.
You can’t know a person well until you live with them. You can’t know them really well until you divorce them.
My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met.
All men are idiots…and I married their king.
A good rule of thumb is to never hire a magician with a wife with no legs.
My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.
Why can’t single women fart? They don’t get an asshole till they get married.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night. From the dryer.
When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
Marriage and smoking are similar. You start because you want to and you continue because you have to.
If you love a woman, you shouldn’t be ashamed to show her to your wife.
Why did the lady snowman divorce her husband? She found out he was going to a snow blower.
My wife is not buying that autocorrect changed “You’re psychic” to “You’re psycho.”