100+ Major League Quotes That Portray The Story Of A Baseball Game

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Major League Sayings

These Major Leaguequotes portray the story of a baseball game. There are so many Major League quotes that can help you when you are tired of being in the same old rut, and all you need is a little push, a little inspiration, a smile on the face, change of mood, bring you out of the banality of life, make you laugh a little, or may even make you cry a bit, and these Major League quotes exists just do that.

Major League is a 1989 American sports satire movie created by Chris Chesser and Irby Smith, composed and coordinated by David S. Ward, that stars Tom Berenger, Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes, James Gammon, Bob Uecker, Rene Russo, Dennis Haysbert, and Corbin Bernsen. Made for $11 million, Major League earned almost $50 million in a local release. Major League manages the endeavors of a fictionalized variant of the Cleveland Indians baseball crew, and produced two continuations – Major League II and Back to the Minors, neither of which reproduced the achievement of the first film. The story of Major League goes as – Previous Las Vegas showgirl Rachel Phelps played by Margaret Whitton, acquires the Cleveland Indians baseball crew from her expired spouse. Phelps abhors Cleveland and needs to migrate the group to Miami. The Indians’ agreement with Cleveland contains a proviso stipulating that the group may move if participation falls underneath a specific dimension.

Resolved to assemble the most exceedingly terrible Major League group in the nation, Phelps enlists Lou Brown played by James Gammon, the director for the Toledo Mud Hens, to deal with the group and advances previous chief Charlie Donovan played by Charles Ciphers to general supervisor. During spring preparing in Tucson, the group’s inadequacies become apparent. The group’s solitary star, third baseman Roger Dorn played by Corbin Bernsen, is a selfish diva whose aptitudes have blurred. Staff expert Eddie Harris played by Chelcie Ross needs to depend on illicitly doctoring the baseball because of his debilitating arm. Pedro Cerrano played by Dennis Haysbert, a voodoo-rehearsing Cuban import with critical power, can’t hit breaking balls and conflicts with the sincerely Christian Harris. Veteran catcher Jake Taylor played by Tom Berenger, a previous star turned alcoholic who had spent the most recent couple of years playing in the Mexican League after his knees gave out, has lost such a great amount of solidarity on his tosses that he can’t achieve a respectable halfway point.

We have dug up these Major League quotes from the depths of the internet and brought together best of these sayings in a single article. This post is probably the biggest database of Major League Sayings in a single place. These famous Major League quotes have the power to change your life by giving a novel outlook about the way you observe different aspects of your life. Hence, these popular Major League quotes should be read with caution and proper understanding of the context. Here are tons of Major League quotes that will open a treasure chest of Wisdom and experiences: –

 “Let’s cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you: “Strike this mother fucker out.”

Major League Popular Quotes

“Are you trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball?”

Major League Sayings

“Don’t think this one’s got the distance.”

Major League Famous Quotes

“It was out of my reach. What did you want me to do, dive for it?”

Major League Quotes

“‘You put snot on the ball?'”

Major League Best Quotes

“Alright, Vaughn. They tell us you’re a pitcher; you’re sure not much of a dresser. We wear caps and sleeves at this level, son! Understood?”

“Are you trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball?”

“C’mon, Dorn! Get in front of the damn ball! Don’t give me this ‘¡Olé!’ bullshit!”

“Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater!”

“Hats for bats, keep bats warm.”

“He’ll need a rocket up his ass to catch that one; that baby’s out of here.”

“Hey, Rexman! Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, you guys trailing by one in the ninth. You got a chance to be a hero on national television… if you don’t blow it. By the way, I saw your wife at the Capri Lounge last night. Hell of a dancer. You must be very very proud. Oh, and that guy she was with? Oh, i’m sure he’s a close personal friend and all, but tell me, what was he doing wearing her panties on his head? [Rexman pops the ball straight up] Uh-oh, Rexy I don’t think this one’s got the distance.”

“Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven’t, the Indians have managed to win a few ball games, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar.”

“Is very bad to steal Jobu’s rum… Is very bad.”

“It was out of my reach. What did you want me to do, dive for it?”

“Jobu… I go to you. I stick up for you. And you no help me now… I say fuck you Jobu. I do it myself.”

“Just a reminder fans about Die Hard Night coming up here in the stadium. Free admission to anyone who was actually alive the last time the Indians won the pennant.”

“Juuuuuust a bit outside, he tried the corner and missed.”

“Let’s cut through the crap, Vaughn. I only got one thing to say to you: Strike this mother fucker out.””

“Look here, Lou. My contract clearly states I don’t have to do any calisthenics that I don’t feel are necessary. So what do you think about that?”

“This guy threw at his own son in a father son game.”

“Up your butt, Jobu.”

“Vaughn deals…and Heywood swings and crushes one towards South America. Tomlinson will need a visa to catch this one, it is out of here and there is nothing left but a vapor trail.”

“Vaughn, a juvenile delinquent in the off-season, in his major league debut.”

“Well, you may run like Hayes, but you hit like shit.”

“Yo, bartender, Jobu needs a refill.”

“In case you haven’t noticed, and judging by the attendance you haven’t, the Indians have managed to win a few ball games, and are threatening to climb out of the cellar.”

“Heywood leads the league in most offensive categories, including nose hair. When this guy sneezes, he looks like a party favor.”

“I’ve never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.”

“Most of these guys never had a prime.”

“This guy here is dead!”

Jake Taylor: [to Rexman] “Hell of a situation we got here. Two on, two out, your team down by one in the ninth. You got a chance to be a hero on national television… if you don’t blow it. By the way, saw your wife last night, hell of a dancer, you must be very, very proud. I mean that guy she was with, I’m sure he’s a close personal friend and all. But tell me, what was he doing wearing her panties on his head?”

[Rexman pops the ball straight up]

Jake Taylor: “Uh-oh, that’s it, I don’t think this one’s got the distance.”

Pedro Cerrano: “Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball.”

Eddie Harris: “You trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball?”

Lou Brown: “Come on Dorn, get in front of the damn ball! Don’t give me this “olé” bullsh*t!”

Chaire Holloway: “So, what team do you play for?”
Jake Taylor: “The Indians.”
Chaire Holloway: “Here in Cleveland? I didn’t know they still had a team.”
Jake Taylor: “Yup, we’ve got uniforms and everything, it’s really great!”

And later…

Janice Bowden: “I hear baseball players make awfully good salaries nowadays. ”
Jake Taylor: “Well it all depends on how good you are.”
Janice Bowden: “How good are you?”
Jake Taylor: “I make the league minimum.”

Charlie Donovan: “How would you like to manage the Indians this year?”

Lou Brown: “Gee, I don’t know… ”

Charlie Donovan: “What do you mean, you don’t know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.”

Lou Brown: “Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls.”

Jake Taylor: “Is that you, Tolbert? I’m hung over, my knees are killin’ me and if you’re going to pull this sh*t at least you could’ve said you were from the Yankees.”

Lou Brown: “Forget about the curve ball Ricky, give him the heater!”

“Juuuusssst a Bit Outside”

“High Priced Talent

Lou: I thought you said we didn’t have any high-priced talent.

Charlie Donovan: Forgot about Dorn, cause he’s only high-priced. Picked him up as a free agent three years ago.

Lou: Still hits the ball well, doesn’t he?

Charlie Donovan: Yeah, just can’t field it. [Dorn gives cocky gesture to them]

Lou: We’ll shape him up.”

“My Kinda Team

Pepper: Look at this fuckin’ guy.

Lou: [Chuckles] It’s my kinda team, Charlie, my kinda team.”

“Your Wife And My Kids

Haywood: Taylor, what are you doin’ back up here?

Taylor: I couldn’t cut it in the Mexican Leagues.

Haywood: How’s your wife and my kids?”

“One Of Those Bags

Willie Mays Hays: Call the stewardess, Vaughn. I need one of those bags!

Rick Vaughn: There aren’t any stewardesses.

Willie Mays Hays: I wonder if there are any pilots!”

“Uniforms And Everything

Jake Taylor: Um, the Indians.

Chaire Holloway: Here in Cleveland? I didn’t know they still had a team!

Jake: Yup, we’ve got uniforms and everything, it’s really great!”

 

“Doesn’t Look Too Good

Cafe Waitress: Spring training starts on the 1st. How do you think the Indians will do this year?

Cafe patron: [Reading newspaper] Doesn’t look too good.”

“Too Effin’ Good

Construction worker: Doesn’t look too fucking good.”

“Hai

Groundskeeper #1: [In Japanese] They’re shitty.

Groundskeeper #2: Hai.”

“Never Heard Of Most Of Em’

Cafe patron: [Reading roster] Rick Vaughn? Willie Hays? I never heard of most of these guys. Mitchell Friedman??”

“Who Are These

Construction worker: Who are these fucking guys?”

“They Are Shitty

Groundskeeper #1: [In Japanese] They are shitty.

Groundskeeper #2: Hai”

“Could Be Alot Worse

Cafe patron: You know, they could be a lot worse.”

“You Know

Construction worker: You know, these guys aren’t so fucking bad.”

“200 Push-ups

Willie: 200 pushups! How am I supposed to hit if I can’t lift my arms? Shit!

Jake: Well, the way I played today, I wouldn’t be surprised if they red-tagged me, already.

Willie: Huh?

Jake: If you get a red tag in your locker, it mean’s the skipper wants to see you, because you just died and went back down to the minors.”

“Don’t Worry, Kid

Jake: Hey, don’t worry, kid. They don’t cut anybody on the first day. [Vaughn nonetheless keeps his locker closed.]”

“Snot On The Ball

Rick: What’s that shit on your chest?

Eddie: [wipes his finger across his chest] Crisco, [Runs his hand through his hair] Bardol, [Wipes his finger on his hip] Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curve ball. ‘Course if the umps are watching me real close I just rub a little jalapeño juice up my nose, get it runnin’, and if I need to load the ball up I just… [wipes his nose] …wipe my nose.

Rick: You put snot on the ball?

Eddie: I haven’t got an arm like yours; I have to put anything on it I can find. Someday you will too.”

“Don’t Steal Home Without It

[wearing tuxedos, the whole team stands behind Home Plate]

All: Hello. Do you know us?

[putting on their caps]

All: We’re a Major League Baseball team.

Jake: But since we haven’t won a pennant in over 30 years, nobody recognizes us – not even in our own home town.

Eddie: That’s why we carry the American Express card.

Rick: No matter how far out of first we are, it’s cool. You know, it keeps us from getting shut out at our favorite hotels and restaurant-type places.

Pedro: So if you’re looking for some Big-League clout, apply for that little green home-run hitter.

Roger [Acting very stiffly compared to everyone else]: Look what it’s done for us. People still DON’T recognize us but… [snaps his fingers]

Lou: We’re contenders now.

Willie: [slides into Home Plate and holds up a green credit card] The American Express card: Don’t steal home without it.”

“Not Wearing A Name Tag

Jake: That’s my wife…

Willie: Does she know that?

Jake: Well, she would’ve been if I hadn’t screwed it up… who’s that guy she’s with?

Willie: I don’t know. He’s not wearing a name tag.

Rick: Want me to drag him outta here, kick the shit out of him?”

“Nobody’s Listening

Harry: [reading statistics on the air] And the Indians drop this one, 6-to-one to the Rangers. For the Indians, one run on, let’s see, one hit…that’s all we got? One god-damned hit?

Monty: [covering microphone] You can’t say “god-damn” on the air!

Harry: Don’t worry. Nobody’s listening, anyway.”

“He’ll Blow It

Charlie Donovan: Vaughn’s been looking good out there today.

Rachel Phelps: Don’t worry, he’ll blow it.”

“Cross Him Off Then

Board Member #1: I’ve never heard of half of these guys and the ones I do know are way past their prime.

Charlie: Most of these guys never had a prime.

Rachel Phelps: The facts are, we lost our two best players to free agency. We haven’t won a pennant in over thirty-five years, we haven’t placed higher than 4th in the last fifteen. Obviously, it’s time for some changes.

Board Member #2: This guy here is dead.

Rachel Phelps: [obviously…] Cross him off, then.”

“Some White Walls

Lou: [answering the phone] Tire World.

Charlie: Lou, it’s Charlie Donovan with the Cleveland Indians. How would you like to manage the Indians this year?

Lou: Gee, I don’t know…

Charlie: What do you mean, you don’t know? This is a chance to manage in the big leagues.

Lou: Lemme think it over, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line about some white walls. I’ll talk to ya later.”

“Not Sure If I Can Make It

Charlie: We heard about your pitching out of Portland last year…

Rick: I’m not really with them anymore…

Charlie: We’d still like to take a look at you in our spring training camp in Arizona, March the first.

Rick: [He’s in jail.] I’m … uh… not sure I can make it by then.”

“Suck My Dick

Tom: Stay away from her.

Jake: Suck my dick.”

“She’s Right

Jake: [at the library, discussing Jake’s one-night stand with a flight attendant] I had no choice. She bet me fifty dollars that she had a better body than you and I had to defend your honor.

Lynn Wells: Oh, what a bunch of bullshit! I have a much better body than she does!

[everyone in the library turns to look]

Jake: [to others] She’s right.”

“I Didn’t Cut You

Rick: I got news for you Mr. Brown, you haven’t heard the last of me. You may think I’m shit now, but someday you’re gonna be sorry you cut me. I’m gonna catch on somewhere else and every time that I pitch against you I’m gonna stick it up your fuckin’ ass! [throws baseball against locker]

Lou: Good! I like that kind of spirit in a player. The only problem is I didn’t cut you.

Rick: What?

Lou: I think someone’s been having some fun with you.”

“Shut Up, Dorn

Roger: [after Rick tackled him, and the two have been separated] Don’t fuck with me, Vaughn!

Rick: Yeah? [shouting] Fuck you!

Roger: What’s the matter, rookie Fuck-Wad? Can’t you take a little joke?

Rick: Real fucking funny, asshole.

Lou: All right, [shouting] All right. Knock that shit off.

Roger: Lou, you better make it real clear to this little lady that I’m not about to take his shit.

Lou: Shut up, Dorn.”

“Cut Your Nuts Off

Jake: What I was concerned with was why you didn’t come up with that grounder that Ryckert hit in the 9th?

Roger: It was out of my reach. What did you want me to do, dive for it?

Jake: Rog, it could have meant the game!

Roger: Oh come on, cut the rah rah shit Taylor! Year after this I go free agent. Plus me and my agent got a couple of plans for life after baseball. So I am not about to risk major injury or deface this property for a collection of stiffs!

Jake: Ya know Dorn, I liked you so much better when you were just a ballplayer. You were really great, once. If you wanna be an interior decorator now, that’s none of my business. But some of us still need this team. Now you listen to me! This is my last shot at a winner and for some of the younger guys it could be their only shot. I don’t know what happened to you. But if you ever, ever tank another play like you did today, I’m gonna cut your nuts off and stuff em down your fuckin’ throat!”

“Then Follow Her?

Willie: [looks over Jake’s shoulder and see’s him reading a comic book] Moby Dick? What you reading that for?

Jake: This happens to be a masterpiece of American Literature.

Willie: [chuckles] Lynn turn you on to that?

Jake: Yeah… a long time ago.

Willie: Well listen, if we ever get out of here, me and the other guys are going to a club later on tonight. You want to come with us?

Jake: [frustrated] Oh, I can’t, I got some reading to do.

Willie: [rolls his eyes] What man, you got a test or something? Jake, man why don’t you just go over there and see her. Maybe she’ll let you slide on a couple of these.

Jake: Well I would if I knew where she lived.

Willie: That’s easy! Just tail her home from the library.

Jake: You mean sit in my car and wait for her to get out of work and then follow her? That’s kind of juvenile, don’t you think?

Willie: [ponders it for a split second] Yeah!”

“Stole A Car

Willie: What the hell league you been playing in?

Rick: California Penal…

Willie: Never heard of it. How’d you end up playing there?

Rick: Stole a car.”

“Not The Best Color Man

Harry: [before the playoff game] Monty, anything to add?

Monty: Ummm… no.

Harry: He’s not the best color man in the league for nothing, folks!”

“We Got Hosed

Heywood: [after Hayes reached on a bloop infield single] You really knocked the crap out of that one.

Willie: Oh, I plan to get at least a double out of this. [shows Heywood his black gloves] I bought a hundred of these. One for every base I’m gonna steal. Excuse me while I take my first step toward the Hall of Fame.

Heywood: My ass.

Harry: [Hayes takes his lead off first base] We don’t know where Hayes played last year, but I’m sure he did a hell of a job.

Heywood: You’re gonna look real sharp, tryin’ to steal second with your shoe untied.

Harry: [Hayes looks down, then gets thrown out by the pitcher] Throw to first… Hayes is picked off! Personally, I think we got hosed on that call.”

“She’ll Replace You

Lou: [at a team meeting] Can I have your attention, please? I have something I think you all ought to know about. It seems that Mrs. Phelps doesn’t think too highly of our worth. She put this team together because she thought we’d be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking attendance down to the point where she could move the team to Miami… and get rid of all of us for better personnel.

Roger: Even me?

Lou: Even you, Dorn.

Eddie: What if we DON’T finish last?

Lou: She’ll REPLACE you with somebody who WILL. After this season, you’ll be sent back to the minors or given your outright release.

Jake: [stands] Well then I guess there’s only one thing left to do.

Roger: What’s that?

Jake: Win the whole fucking thing.

[long pause]

Willie: [stands] Yeah.

Pedro: [pounds his hand] YES!”

“Forty Sit-Ups

Lou: [After Dorn boots a grounder] C’mon, Dorn! Get in front of the damn ball! Don’t give me this olè bullshit!

Roger: Look, I took one of those in the eye last year, and I am not about to lose my sight!

Lou: [Unconcerned] I’m deeply moved. Every time I see you play one off the hip, you owe me forty sit-ups.

Roger: What?”

“Any Calisthenics

Roger: Look here, Lou. My contract clearly states I don’t have to do any calisthenics that I don’t feel are necessary. So what do you think about that?”

“Get Out Here, Rookie

[Vaughn has just given up a grand slam in his first appearance of the season]

Pepper: Go get him?

Lou: No, let’s see how he reacts.

Harry: Well Brown is apparently going to stick with Vaughn here as the Indians trail 8-0. Coleman steps in – a .281 lifetime hitter. Taylor with the sign; Vaughn into the motion with his pitch.

[Vaughn beans Coleman between the shoulder blades]

Harry: Uh oh!

Lou: Interesting.

Harry: ‘Bout time, it’s 8-0.

Umpire: [To Vaughn] You! You’re gone!

Rick: What?!

Umpire: You heard me, you’re gone!

Rick: He was right on top of the plate!

Lou: I think you can go get him now.

Rick: The ball slipped out of my hand, it was an accident!

Umpire: You threw at him intentionally.

Rick: Oh, kiss my ass!

Umpire: Get out of here.

Rick: You’re full of shit! Fuck you!

Umpire: Get out of here, rookie!

Rick: Hey, why don’t you blow me, ump?!”

 

“ ‘There’s a red moon risin’ on the Cuyahoga River.’

The setup: Opening of the movie. Scenes of Cleveland.

(Song) There’s a red moon risin’ on the Cuyahoga River.

Rollin’ into Cleveland to the lake.

Why it’s the best: Randy Newman’s song, and that voice, are just the perfect song to open this movie and set the stage. It’s just damn perfect.”

 

“ ‘Four years ago, then.’

The setup: Players arriving to spring training, as the coaching staff watches.

Manager Lou Brown: “He was an All-Star in Boston, wasn’t he?”

GM Charlie Donovan: “Yeah, wound up in the Mexican League. Had problems with his knees.”

Pitching coach Pepper Leach: “Wish we had him two years ago.”

Donovan: “We did.”

Leach: “Four years ago, then.”

Why it’s the best: I might be alone here, but I just loved this exchange. And it’s my list, so it makes the top 30. Also, when Ricky Vaughn shows up on the back of a motorcycle, hops off and Leach says, “Look at this f-in’ guy,” well, that’s pretty great, too.”

 

“ ‘Don’t think this one’s got the distance.’

The setup: Rookie Ricky Vaughn’s trying to finish his complete game. His arm feels like Jello, but Jake Taylor, the veteran catcher, tells him to throw it down the middle.

Taylor, to the hitter, Rexman: “You’ve got a chance to be a hero on national television, if you don’t blow it. By the way, I saw your wife at the Capri Lounge last night. Hell of a dancer. You must be very, very proud. And that guy she was with? I’m sure he’s a close personal friend and all, but tell me, what was he doing with her panties on his head?”

Vaughn throws the pitch, Rexman pops it up.

Taylor: “Uh-oh, Rexy. Don’t think this one’s got the distance.”

Why it’s the best: Because “Uh-oh, (insert name). Don’t think this one’s got the distance,” can work about a dozen times in any baseball game, anywhere, at any level. So great.”

 

“ ‘Going somewhere, meat?’

The setup: Willie Mays Hayes reaches in the ninth inning of the tiebreaker game. The crowd’s going crazy. The music is building. Clu Haywood, the burly Yankees first baseman, greets him as he takes a leadoff.

Haywood: “Going somewhere, meat?”

Hayes: “About 90 feet.”

Why it’s the best: Because it rhymes, and because that’s exactly what Hayes did.”

 

“ ‘F- you, Jobu.’ I do it myself.’

The setup: With the Indians trailing, 2-0, late in the final game, slugger Pedro Ccrrano swings and misses at two pitches.

Cerrano: “I go to you. I stick up for you. But you no help me now, I say ‘F- you, Jobu.’ I do it myself.”

Why it’s the best: Because you gotta rely on yourself, right? Good lesson, movie people.”

 

“ ‘This guy threw at his own kid in a father-son game.’

The setup: Announcer Harry Doyle – played by Bob Uecker, of course – talks about the reliever the Yankees bring into the tiebreaker game.

Doyle: “The Duke leads the league in saves, strikeouts per inning and hit batsmen. This guy threw at his own kid in a father-son game.”

Why it’s the best: Bob Uecker is awesome.”

 

“ ‘Give them all a nice big s-burger.’

The setup: In the clubhouse, before the first regular-season game of the year.

Manager Lou Brown: “Now I’m much for giving inspirational addresses. I’d just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think we’d save everyone a lot of time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me? I’m for wasting sportswriters’ time, so I’d like to hang around a see if we can give them all a nice big s-burger.”

Why it’s the best: Because Brown is just so damn proud of himself for making that joke. And because Cerrano looks all confused and says, “S-burger?””

 

“ ‘Nice velocity. … Sounded liked it.’

The setup: The first time Lou Brown and Pepper Leach watch Ricky Vaughn throw in spring training. The pitch sails over the catcher and smashes a “No Pepper” sign on the fence.

Brown: “Nice velocity.”

Leach: “Sounded like it.”

Why it’s the best: They didn’t need a radar gun. The sound was enough (but the radar gun did show 96 mph, which was a bigger deal in those days).”

 

“ ‘California Penal.’

The setup: Players getting to know each other in spring training.

Willie Mays Hayes: “What the hell league you been playing in?”

Ricky Vaughn: “California Penal.”

Hayes: “Never heard of it. How’d you end up playing there?”

Vaughn: “Stole a car.”

Why it’s the best: Quick, to the point, no judgment.”

 

“ ‘Hats for bats.’

The setup: Players file into the communal living space at spring training, complete with bunk beds everywhere. Cerrano and pretty-boy veteran Roger Dorn meet for the first time.

Dorn: “Hey big guy. You a golfer?”

Cerrano: “Hats for bats.”

Dorn: “Yeah? What’s your handicapp?”

Cerrano: “Keep bats warm. Gracias.”

Dorn: “Whoa, amigo. You can’t just … you’re welcome.”

Why it’s the best: Dorn, who just flexed in front of Vaughn, is so completely intimidated by Cerrano. It’s amusing. Also, “Hats for bats,” is a repeatable line.”

 

“ ‘I look like a banker in this.’

The setup: Taylor, the veteran, takes rookies Vaughn and Hayes to a fancy restaurant in Cleveland to celebrate making the roster and the start of the season.

Vaughn: “I look like a banker in this.”

Taylor: “Sorry, Rick. Those are the house rules. So, what are we going to have?”

Hayes: “What language is this?”

Taylor: “French.”

Vaughn: “They got chili dogs over there?”

Taylor: “Forget it, I’ll order. Let’s have a toast. Here’s to baseball, and to the start of two great careers. And for me, here’s to one more good year in the sun.”

Why it’s the best: Because Vaughn, wearing a tank top, leather jacket with the sleeves ripped off and a tie around his bare neck, definitely does not look like a banker in that getup.”

 

“ ‘S-. I’ve been cut already?’

The setup: Willie Mays Hayes showed up to camp without an invite. Security takes his bunk bed out into to the parking lot that night, with Hayes still asleep. He wakes up to see drills have already started.

Hayes: “S-. I’ve been cut already?”

Why it’s the best: Because when he jumps up and out-sprints those two dudes racing, you really believe actor Wesley Snipes might be the fastest human alive.”

 

“ ‘I hate this f-ing song.’

The setup: In the tiebreaker against the Yankees, Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn enters from the bullpen in the ninth inning, and the crowd goes crazy as Wild Thing plays on the speakers.

Owner Rachel Phelps: “I hate this f-‘ song.”

Why it’s the best: Even in this moment, after she clearly isn’t going to be allowed to relocate the team to Miami, she can’t pretend to be happy. And the way actor Margaret Whitton delivers the line, full of utter contempt, is absolutely perfect.”

 

“ ‘This guy’s the out you’ve been waiting your whole life for.’

The setup: Vaughn come into the ninth inning with the bases loaded in a tie game, facing Haywood, the Yankee slugger who has crushed him this season.

Taylor: “This guy’s the out you’ve been waiting your whole life for.”

Why it’s the best: Oh, man. So great. Rise to the moment, kid.”

 

“ ‘Forget about the curveball, Ricky. Give him the heater!’

The setup: Vaughn’s facing Haywood. The fastball is smoking. The camera cuts to the dugout, where the manager is talking to no one in particular.

Brown: “Forget about the curveball, Ricky. Give him the heater!”

Why it’s the best: How many times have you yelled this at your TV during a game, or out toward the mound if you’re at the game? It’s perfect.”

 

 

“ ‘You put snot on the ball?’

The setup: The veteran pitcher, Eddie Harris, is changing in front of his locker, next to bad-boy rookie Vaughn.

Vaughn: “What’s that s- on your chest?”

Harris: “Crisco. Bardol. Vagisil. Any one of them will give you another two to three inches drop on your curveball. Of course, if the umps are watching me close, I just put a little jalapeño inside my nose and get it running, and if I need to load the ball up a little, just wipe my nose.”

Vaughn: “You put snot on the ball?”

Harris: “I haven’t got an arm like yours. I’ve gotta put anything on it I can find. And someday you will, too.”

Why it’s the best: Because when I was a kid, the idea of putting snot on a baseball amused me. And maybe it still does. Shaddup.”

 

“ ‘You want me to drag him out of here, kick the s- out of him?’

The setup: At the fancy celebration dinner, Taylor spots his ex-girlfriend Lynn with another man. His new teammates want to help out the veteran.

Vaughn: “What is it, the chick?”

Taylor: “That’s my wife.”

Hayes: “Does she know that?”

Taylor: “Who’s that guy she’s with?”

Hayes: “I don’t know. He’s not wearing a name tag.”

Vaughn: “You want me to drag him out of here, kick the s- out of him?”

Why it’s the best: Vaughn’s still learning to be civilized after his life of juvenile delinquency, but he hasn’t curbed those instincts quite yet. At least he asked first.”

 

“ ‘We’ve got uniforms and everything.’

The setup: Taylor follows his ex-girlfriend Lynn home, but it’s to her fiancee’s place. He sits in the awkward situation with the fiancee’s friends.

Arthur Holloway: “What team do you play for, Jake?”

Taylor: “The Indians.”

Claire Holloway: “Here in Cleveland? I didn’t know they still had a team.”

Taylor: “Yeah. We’ve got uniforms and everything. It’s really great.”

Why it’s the best: The “uniforms and everything” line kills me, every time. And when she smiles and claps. Yeah, that’s the good stuff.”

 

“ ‘That’s all we got? One g-damn hit?’

The setup: In the swooniest part of the team’s early season swoon, the broadcast crew recaps a particular stinky game.

Doyle: “So the Tribe drops its third straight on the trip, 6-1 to the Rangers. For the Indians, one run on, let’s see, one hit? That’s all we got? One g-damn hit?

Monte the color man: “You can’t sat g-damn on the air!

Doyle: “Don’t worry. Nobody’s listening anyway.”

Why it’s the best: The frustration is real, both for the awfulness of the team and the apathy of the listeners (or lack thereof).”

 

“ ‘Yo, bartender! Jobu needs a refill!’

The setup: After talking trash to the doll – “Up your butt, Jobu!” – in Cerrano’s locker and drinking Jobu’s rum, Harris struts out onto the field.

Harris: “Yo, bartender! Jobu needs a refill!”

Why it’s the best: Because he got what he deserved, a baseball bat hitting him on the head. Cerrano said it was bad to drink Jobu’s rum. In fact, he said it was very bad.”

 

“ ‘Going to need a visa to catch this one.’

The setup: Haywood faces Vaughn, regular season. The result is predictable, a long home run. Action documented by Uecker.

Doyle: “Haywood swings and crushes one toward South America. Tomlinson’s going to need a visa to catch this one. It is outta here, and there’s nothing left but a vapor trail.”

Why it’s the best: Who would even be mad if a current announcer borrowed that one a couple times a year? Nobody, that’s who.”

 

“ ‘Nice catch, Hayes. Don’t ever f-in’ do it again.’

The setup: Willie Mays Hayes makes a basket catch in the outfield on Opening Day. His manager isn’t thrilled with the showboating.

Brown: “Nice catch, Hayes. Don’t ever f-in’ do it again.”

Why it’s the best: Again, just so repeatable and relatable.”

 

“ ‘Is that you, Tolbert?’

The setup: Taylor is drunk in a bed in Mexico, sprawled out sideways wearing a sombrero, when the phone rings.

Taylor: “Is that you, Tolbert? This isn’t very funny you know. I’m hung over, my knees are killing me and if you’re gonna pull this s- at least you could have said you’re from the Yankees.”

Why it’s the best: Pretty much anytime since I first saw this movie that I’ve answered the phone after a couple drinks the night before, I called my buddy Tolbert and said it just like Jake Taylor.”

 

“ ‘Too high.’

The setup: Haywood smashes a home run off Vaughn. Cut to the super-fans in the stands.

One fan: “No way. Too high. Too high.”

Another fan: “Too high? What does that mean, too high?”

First fan: “Too high, I thought.”

A third fan: “Not too high. Too hard, right?”

First fan: “At first I thought it was too high.”

The third fan: “Who gives a s-? It’s gone.”

Why it’s the best: Just about every single time someone hits a towering fly ball, my first thought is, “That’s too high.” You probably do that, too.”

 

“ ‘I’ve got a guy on the other line about some whitewalls.’

The setup: Indians GM Charlie Donovan calls Lou Brown, manager of the Toledo Mud Hens, at his offseason job at Tire World, to offer him a job.

Brown: “Oh, I don’t know.”

Donovan: “What do you mean you don’t know? This is a chance to manage in the big leagues.”

Brown: “Let me think it over, will ya, Charlie? I’ve got a guy on the other line about some whitewalls. I’ll talk to you later.”

Why it’s the best: Such a great blow-off. The guy with the white walls is more important.”

 

“ ‘Are you trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball?’

The setup: In the spring training locker room, we meet Jobu. And discuss curveballs.

Taylor: “Que pasa there, Pedro.”

Cerrano: “Bats. They are sick. I can no hit curveball. Straight ball, I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats. I offer him cigar, and rum. He will come.”

Harris: “You know, you might think about taking Jesus Christ as your savior instead of fooling around with all this stuff.”

Taylor: “S-, Harris.”

Cerrano: “Ah, Jesus. I like him very much. But he no help me hit curveball.”

Harris: “Are you trying to say Jesus Christ can’t hit a curveball?”

Taylor: “OK, Harris. Let’s try not to start a holy war here.”

Harris: “I wouldn’t leave that rum sitting around here with this group.”

Cerrano: “Is very bad to steal Jobu’s rum. Is very bad.”

Why it’s the best: So much happens here. I thought about breaking this into a couple of segments, but settled on leaving it together, so as not to break up the flow. Also, because it was hard enough to keep this list to 30.”

 

 

“ ‘This guy here is dead.’

The setup: In the conference room, looking over the list of spring training invitees.

Executive: “This guy here is dead.”

Phelps: “Cross him off, then.”

Why it’s the best: Pretty much anytime anything has needed to be crossed off any list since I first saw this movie, I said it just like Rachel Phelps. Also, the other great line from this scene:

Executive: “I’ve never heard of half of these guys, and the ones I do know are way past their prime.”

GM Charlie Donovan: “Most of these guys never had a prime.”

Amazing.”

 

“ ‘Win the whole f-in’ thing.’

The setup: Brown has just told the team that the owner, Phelps, picked this team because she thought it would be awful, and that the players would all be released or traded after the season. Taylor, the veteran, stands up.

Taylor: “Well, then, I guess there’s only one thing left to do.

Dorn: “What’s that?

Taylor: “Win the whole f-in’ thing.

Why it’s the best: Makes you want to run through a brick wall, doesn’t it?”

 

“ ‘Juuuust a bit outside.’

The setup: Ricky Vaughn makes his big-league debut, and Harry Doyle is there for the narration.

Doyle: “Vaughn into the wind up, and his first offering … juuuust a bit outside. He tried the corner and missed.”

Doyle: “Ball four.”

Doyle: “Ball eight.”

Doyle: “Low, and Vaughn has walked the bases loaded on 12 straight pitches. Boy, how can these guys lay off pitches that close?”

Why it’s the best: The “juuuust a bit outside” part is probably the most iconic line in the entire movie. To me, though? It’s the “tried the corner and missed” part – on a pitch that was about three feet off the plate – that’s makes it a contender for No. 1.”

 

“’The Indians win it! The Indians win it! OH MY GOD, THE INDIANS WIN IT!’

The setup: Tie game, ninth inning. Taylor drops a bunt as Hayes tries to steal third, then turns the corner and heads home …

Harry Doyle: “He slides! He is …”

Umpire: “Safe! Safe!”

Doyle: “The Indians win it! The Indians win it! OH MY GOD, THE INDIANS WIN IT!”

Why it’s the best: If you didn’t just get chills reading that, we probably can’t be friends. The movie starts as a series of amusing one-liners, but along the way you care about the players (while laughing the whole time). And to see them win? To see the emotion? To hear Uecker so damn excited? Just the best.”

 

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