110+ Henny Youngman Quotes From The One-Liner Master

Henny Youngman popular quotes

These Henny Youngman quotes are from the one-liner master. There are so many Henny Youngman quotes that can help you when you are tired of being in the same old rut, and all you need is a little push, a little inspiration, a smile on the face, change of mood, bring you out of the banality of life, make you laugh a little, or may even make you cry a bit, and these Henny Youngman quotes exists just do that.

Henny Youngman was conceived in England yet his family moved to New York when he was youthful. Henny Youngman’s dad’s name was Yonkel Youngman which he later changed to Jacob Youngman. Henny Youngman’s family was Jewish. Henny Youngman’s dad was a music admirer and needed his child to turn into a musician, and orchestrated him to go to classes. Henny Youngman went to Manual Training High School for a long time. Henny Youngman was very devious at school and was frequently removed from the study hall. Since his adolescence, Henny Youngman adored advising jokes to his loved ones – he would frequently hear jokes in the theaters and instruct them to his companions in his own style. Henny Youngman found a new line of work at a print shop where he started composing and printing ‘satire cards’ containing jokes. Another trying humorist, Milton Berle was awed by his cards and urged him to seek after parody. Henny Youngman entered the entertainment biz as an ensemble artist and framed a little band called the Swanee Syncopaters.

Henny Youngman started to join parody with music by advising jokes to the crowd in the middle of melodic exhibitions. Henny Youngman got his opportunity of a lifetime when the standard satire group at the Nut Club in New Jersey neglected to appear for a presentation and the administrator was frantically searching for a substitution. Henny Youngman was a major hit that night. Henny Youngman built up his own style of parody, a well disposed of, non-hostile style of letting one know line jokes with recesses of violin music that charmed him to ages of fans. In the year 1937, Henny Youngman was welcome to perform on the radio out of the blue – on the Kate Smith show. Initially, Henny Youngman was marked for a six-minute spot, yet he was funny to the point that his time was reached out to ten minutes. Henny Youngman showed up on the show routinely after this. Henny Youngman made his film debut with ‘A Wave and a WAC and a Marine’ in the year 1944, yet couldn’t discover much achievement in Hollywood and came back to performing in clubs. Henny Youngman was well known as a high-quality comic and his radio exhibitions added to his popularity. He cherished procuring cash and was dependably vigilant for work openings.

We have dug up these Henny Youngman quotes from the depths of the internet and brought together best of these sayings in a single article. This post is probably the biggest database of Henny Youngman Sayings in a single place. These famous Henny Youngman quotes have the power to change your life by giving a novel outlook about the way you observe different aspects of your life. Hence, these popular Henny Youngman quotes should be read with caution and proper understanding of the context. Here are tons of Henny Youngman quotes that will open a treasure chest of Wisdom and experiences: –

“A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!”

Henny Youngman quotes

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“Are you Polish? Okay, I’ll talk slower.”

Henny Youngman popular quotes“I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.”

Henny Youngman saying

“I live about four muggings from Central Park.”

Henny Youngman best quotes

“I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.”

Henny Youngman famous quotes

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“Jewish women in New York. One says, “Do you see what’s going on in Poland?” The other says, “I live in the back, I don’t see anything.””

“A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.””

“A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.”

“A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man’s chest. The man asks, “Doc, how do I stand?” The doctor says, “That’s what puzzles me!””

“A doctor says to a man, “You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day.” Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, “How is your love life since you have been running?” “I don’t know, I’m 140 miles away!””

“A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, “Can I park here?” “No” says the cop. “What about all these other cars?” “They didn’t ask!””

“A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.”

“A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in?”

“A man goes to a psychiatrist. “Nobody listens to me!” The doctor says, “Next!””

“A person asked me, How do you prepare for the stage? I told her, Well, it’s like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you’ve lost all your marbles…”

“A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.”

“A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!”

“A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.”

“A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? “It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!””

“A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!”

“A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.”

“A woman says to a man, “I haven’t seen you around here.” “Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife.” “So you’re single!””

“Are you married? What do you do for agravation?”

“College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.”

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.”

“Doctor says to a man, “You’re pregnant!” The man says, “How does a man get pregnant?” The doctor says, “The usual way – a little wine, a little dinner….””

“Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. “Don’t answer!”

“Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do? The doctor says, “Limp!””

“During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.”

“Have I got a mother-in-law. She’s so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.”

“Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.”

“He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.”

“His motto is “Love Thy Neighbor”. His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.”

“How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O”

“How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put ‘page 2.'”

“I asked a Jewish man, “Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?” He said, “Yes”, and walked away.”

“I don’t mind when my horse is left at the post. I don’t mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, “Which way do I go?” But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race…”

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“I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.”

“I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It’s a little inconvenient, they’re in two separate buildings!”

“I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.”

“I know a guy who had his doctor say, “Take some weight off, go to a health club.” The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!”

“I know a man who doesn’t pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.”

“I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.”

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.”

“I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.”

“I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.”

“I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.”

“I told my mother-in-law my house is your house. So she sold it.”

“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”

“I was just in London – there is a 6 hour time difference. I’m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.”

“I was walking down the street, and I found a man’s hand in my pocket. I asked, “What do you want?” “A match” “Why didn’t you ask me?” “I don’t talk to strangers.””

“If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it?”

“If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.”

“If my mother knew I did this for a living, she’d kill me. She thinks I’m selling dope.”

“If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.”

“If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.”

“I’ll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.”

“I’m paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?”

“In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, “Why didn’t you walk down?” He said, “because I was going up!””

“In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman – go see what they want!”

“Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?”

“I’ve been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she’ll kill me.”

“I’ve been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?”

“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.”

“I’ve got two wonderful children – and two out of five isn’t too bad.”

“I’ve kissed so many women I can do it with my eyes closed.”

“Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.”

“Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.”

“My brother then opened a tall man’s shop in Tokyo.”

“My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.”

“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad; but New York City?”

“My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.”

“My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.”

“My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.”

“My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.”

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“My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it’s feet first!”

“My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.”

“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”

“My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale’s. I bring her mail there twice a week.”

“Now, the band that inspired that great saying, “Stop The Music!!””


“She has a wash and wear bridal gown.”

“She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, “Tut, Tut!””

“She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.”

“She’s a big-hearted girl with hips to match.”

“She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.”

“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”

“That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!”

“The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!””

“The food on the plane was fit for a king. “Here, King!””

“The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.”

“The hotel I’m in has a lovely closet. A nail.”

“The more I think of you, the less I think of you.”

“The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!”

“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”

“There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.”

“There were three kids in my family. One of each sex.”

“This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.”

“This man dresses like an unmade bed.”

“This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.”

“This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!”

“Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.”

“Those two are a fastidious couple. She’s fast and he’s hideous.”

“Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.”

“Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.”

“Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?”

“What’s the latest dope on Wall Street? “My son!””

“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”

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“When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say….”

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”

“When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.”

“Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?”

“While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.”

“Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.”

“Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.”

“Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.”

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.”

“You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.”

“You have a ready wit. Tell me when it’s ready.”

“You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.”

“You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.”

“Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.”


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