70+ Doctor Jokes That Are Damn Hilarious

famous doctor jokes

Jokes are a kingdom on their own! When you hear the very word Joke, you automatically get excited and the adrenaline rush in you gets higher or better sometimes! But on their other hand, have you heard about lame jokes that can leave you in splits in no time?

Well, such is the concept of Doctor Jokes! They are not only lame but at the same time, they have the capacity to invoke great humor sense in you and amongst everyone! Here are the much awaited 70+ Doctor Jokes that are damn hilarious!

Ready to go?

“Specialist, it would be ideal if you hustle. My child gulped an extremely sharp steel.”

“Try not to freeze, I’m coming right away. Have you done anything yet?”

“Yea, I shaved with the electric razor.”

“Specialist, specialist, You must assistance me – I can’t stop my hands shaking!”

“Do you drink a great deal?”

“Not so much – I spill its majority!”

“Specialist, specialist, will I have the option to play the violin after the activity?”

“Truly, of course…”

“Amazing! I never could!”

A man talks quickly into the telephone, “My better half is pregnant, and her withdrawals are just two minutes separated!”

“Is this her first youngster?” the specialist inquiries.

“No, you nitwit!” the man yells. “This is her better half!”

The specialist told his patient that woke up in the wake of having been worked: “I’m apprehensive we will need to work you once more. Since I overlooked my elastic gloves inside you.”

“All things considered, if it’s a direct result of them, I’d preferably pay for them on the off chance that you simply disregard me.”

A specialist and his significant other were having a major contention at breakfast.

“You leave something to be desired in bed it is possible that!” he yelled and raged off to work.

By midmorning, he chose he would do well to offer some kind of reparation and called home. After numerous rings, his better half grabbed the telephone.

“What took you such a long time to reply?”

“I was sleeping.”

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“Getting a subsequent sentiment.”

Specialist: I have some awful news and some awful news.

Understanding: Well, should give me the terrible news first.

Specialist: The lab called with your test outcomes. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Persistent: 24 HOURS! That is awful!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the extremely awful news?

Specialist: I’ve been attempting to contact you since yesterday.

So sit back! And enjoy these 70+ Doctor Jokes That Are Damn Hilarious!

Where do sick boats go to get healthy? To the dock!

best doctor jokes

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“Doctor, I’m addicted to ‘The Family Feud’ game show. What’s wrong with me?
Doctor: “Well, the survey says…”

doctor jokes

What did the math book say to the psychologist? “Would you like to hear my problems?”

famous doctor jokes

Therapist: Fuck anyone who doesn’t like you.
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of sex

funny doctor jokes

“Doctor, there’s a patient on line 1 that says he’s invisible”
“Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.

popular doctor jokes

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A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I’d start lying to my wife.

Sign at the Urologist’s office: URINE good hands.

A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, “Divorce is strong with this one!”

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I’m wondering… do I keep the letters?

A woman says to the dentist “I don’t know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby.”
The dentist says “Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!”

My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in such words of course, he just said that I must diminish the amount of stress in my life.

Dr.’s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it’s tweetable.

I don’t think I’ll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother’s Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.

A man walks into the doctors and the doctor says, “I’ve not seen you for a while.”
The man replies, “Yes, I’ve been ill.”

He slapped his two inches on the doctors desk. The doctor said “What is wrong with it?” “It’s swollen.”

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.

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My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.

My psychiatrist said I was pre-occupied with the vengeance I told him “oh yeah we’ll see about that!”

Doc says, “Joe, I got some bad news for you. You’ve got six months to live.”
Joe says, “Six months? Doc, I can’t pay your bill in six months, I can’t do it!”
Doc says, “OK, I give you a year…”

My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.

I have an inferiority complex but it’s not a very good one.

I’m not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.

Doctor: “Sir, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards.”
Me: “And?”

The doctor told his patient to stop using a Q-tip, but it went in one ear and out the other.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, “A very good doctor”.

Dentist: “You need a crown.”
Patient: “Finally someone who understands me”

You so ugly when who were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.

Why is a doctor always calm? Because it has a lot of patients.

My doctor told me you ‘ll be alive only for 24 hours! When I wanted to leave him he told me: “Excuse me I had forgotten to tell you that yesterday.”

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

What idiot called it a vet instead of a dogtor?

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him… with my bear hands.

What did the dentist said to the Sabretooth tiger? You have outstanding teeth.

The doctors found a diseased blood type: U.

What is a dentist’s office?… A filling station.

Doc says to the patient, “You have the body of a twenty-year-old, but you should return it. You’re stretching it completely out of shape.”

What did the doctor say to the alcoholic? Keep taking the Pils.

What do a dentist and a tennis coach have in common? They both use drills!

My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

Doctor: “Well, it looks like you’re pregnant.”
Woman: “Oh my God, I’m pregnant?!”
Doctor: “No, it just looks like you are.”

Isn’t it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers? You don’t hear medical students calling themselves doctors or art students calling themselves baristas.

What’s the difference between God and a Doctor? God knows he’s not a Doctor!

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.”

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

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Man: “When I bend my arm like this it hurts?”
Doctor: “Well, stop doing it!”

Women celebrate after sex. Men go to the chiropractor after sex.

When I said “I was afraid of the dentist”, I meant the bill.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry.

What’s the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist? A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.

What’s the difference between a mechanic and a doctor? A mechanic fixes his mistakes… A doctor buries his.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

Nurse: “Doctor why is there a thermometer behind your ear?
Doctor: “Damn! Some asshole must have my pen!”

How do you treat someone with herpes?
With disdain.
When you were born the doctor slapped your mama and said “oh goodie twins”.

Doctor: “You need to stop masturbating.”
Patient: “Why?”
Doctor: “Because I would like to start the exam.”

Why do doctors slap babies’ butts right after they’re born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Someone told me a joke about transgender surgery. Took balls to tell it.

My doctor said he thought I had the body of a 25 year old. So naturally I had to kill him and bury him next to it.

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What have a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery driver got in common? They can both smell it but can’t eat it.


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