Who doesn’t love a joke? There can’t be anyone who hates the very concept of jokes or crackling hilarious twists that will drive the funny spirits in you! Well, how about some dirty jokes that will leave you splits in seconds!
Dirty Jokes are not bad on the whole! So, keeping that in mind we have compiled and edited some amazing and intriguing 110+ Dirty Jokes That Are So Mind-Blowing and at the same time great to read amongst your circle and near/dear ones!
Here we go for a whole new comical experience.
Dirty Joke No: 1 “A young man and his companions are being called mongrels and bitches by menaces at school. The kid returns home and asks, “Father, what are mongrels and bitches?” And his father answers, “Bitches are women and rats are respectable men.” Then the kid goes upstairs to see his mother. As he goes into the room, he inadvertently drops an aroma container, and his mother says, “Poop!” “Mother, what is crap?” and she says, “Scent.” So he goes to see his father (who is cutting a chicken), and his father cuts himself and hollers, “Fuck!” The kid asks, “Father, what fucks mean?” and the father says “planning.” Then he pursues his father upstairs. A couple of minutes after the fact his mother and father are going to have intercourse when his father says, “Where are the condoms?” The young man asks, “What are condoms?” and his dad says, “Condoms are covers and coats.” The next night his dad welcomes over some significant business customers. The kid opens the entryway for them and says, “Hi! If you don’t mind come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mother is upstairs scouring poo all over and my father is first floor screwing the chicken.
Dirty Joke No: 2 “A panda strolls into a bar. He asks the barkeep how he can get a little activity for the evening. The barkeep movements to a young lady. She converses with the panda, and they return to her place. In the wake of having intercourse, the panda suddenly leaves. The following night, the lady goes to the panda’s home. “You owe me cash,” she says. “For what?” The lady feigns exacerbation and clarifies, “I’m a whore.” The panda hauls out a word reference and finds it: “Whore: Has sex for cash.” The panda says, “I don’t need to pay you. I’m a panda. Find it.” She is going to challenge when the panda gives her the word reference. The lady looks into “panda” in the word reference, and it peruses, “Panda: Eats hedge and leaves.”
Well, the above Dirty Jokes are great proof to show that you don’t need to be a satire to crack any jokes! For more such experience read our 110+ Dirty Jokes That Are So Mind-Blowing
A screwdriver hops into a taxi cab and says to the driver, “Screw you!
What is the difference between “ooooooh”and “aaaaaaah”? About three inches.
Owls always look like they just saw a penis for the first time.
If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.
What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
One snatches your watch. The other watches your snatch.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students?
A PDF file.
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.
Bad news from the doctor
A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
“I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?”
“Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”
What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A wet nose.
How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?
Call and tell her about it.
An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, ”I think you have the wrong room.”
”You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”
Why does a mermaid wear seashells?
Because she outgrew her B-shells.
When is it okay to beat up a dwarf?
When he’s standing next to your girlfriend and telling her that her hair smells nice.
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you stick the cucumber.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
What do you do when your cat’s dead?
Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.
Why isn’t there a pregnant Barbie doll?
Ken came in another box.
How is life like toilet paper?
You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.
What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet?
What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
They just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out.”
What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
Finding out it was traced.
What are the three shortest words in the English language?
Is it in?
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name?
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist.
What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?
A private tutor.
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin’ off.
What’s the difference between your penis and a bonus check?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?
A beaver dam.
What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
What’s long, green, and smells like bacon?
Kermit The Frog’s fingers.
Why is diarrhea hereditary?It runs in your genes.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
The story of the well-hung bug.
A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, dear. That was just an insect.”
“Wow,” the boy replies. “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”
A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, “What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?”
A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it’ll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn’t the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream.
When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, “Looks like you blew a seal.”
“No,” the penguin insists, “it’s just ice cream.”
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
Men who breastfeed.
Ladies, it is amazing how you do that, with a beverage coming out of your nipple, did you know that? Guys, we can’t do it. Because if we could, we’d spend the whole time squirting each other. (Credit: Dave Attell.)
What do you get when you jingle Santa’s balls?
A white Christmas.
What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won’t stop to ask directions.
What did one butt cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!” The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?
Thanks for coming!
What do you get when you cross a dick with a potato?
What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?
How is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner.
What’s long and hard and full of semen?
I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong …
Life is like toilet paper, you’re either on a roll or taking shit from some asshole.
What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
I was masturbating today and my hand fell asleep – that’s got to be the ultimate rejection.
A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, “Please send me a sister.” Santa Clause wrote him back, “Ok, send me your mother.”
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are… you have small boobs.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? “How do you breathe through that tiny thing?”
What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
The only reason the term ‘Ladies first’ was invented was for the guy to check out the woman’s ass.
Why men’s voice is louder than women? Men have an antenna.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay. She said she didn’t have time.
The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said “I shaved my pussy, you know what that means? I said “yeah, the drain is clogged again. ”
Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn’t close his casket.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you.
I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
If a man talks dirty to a woman, that’s sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that’ll be $6.50 a minute.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you’d be a Gorgeousaurus
My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.
Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 33, looking for some action!” I’ve sent her my ironing, that’ll keep her busy.
Did you hear about the depressed plumber? He’s been going through some shit.
My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
What’s a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I’d like a bag. I said “nah, I’ll just turn the lights off.”
“What’s the difference between sin and shame?”
“Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.”
“Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit.”
“Hibernate? Shit, Ma, I thought you said ‘masturbate’!”
It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.
A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.
They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line.” And they do so.
St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?”
The Sister Responds “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta… touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”
St. Peter says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” and she did so.
St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”
“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.
Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!”
Sister Susan responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!”
Husband always insisted on making love in the dark.
After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator.
She goes balistic, “You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?”
Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, “I’ll explain the toy, you explain the kids…..”
A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.
She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.
On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 35,”he replied.
“I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy.
After that she went into McDonald’s for lunch and asked the order taker the same question.
He replied, “Oh, you look about 29.”
“I am actually 47!” she said, feeling really good.
While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.”
There was no one around, so the woman said, “What the hell?” and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “OK, You are 47.”
Stunned, the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”
The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s.”
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s*x, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!”
A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks “how much for a beer?”
The bartender replies “$1”.
The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender
“Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?” The Bartender reply’s “$5”.
The guy still amazed then orders everything and after he is done eating his meal then says “Wow, this place is amazing, I really wish I could meet the owner of this place”.
The bartender then says “Oh well, he’s upstairs in his office with my wife”.
The guy looks all confused then asks “What is he doing upstairs in his office with your wife?”
The bartender then says “The same thing I’m doing to his business”.
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, “Hey, let’s take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door.”
So they do this, and begin painting their room.
Soon they hear a knock at the door.
They ask, “Who is it?”
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, “He’s blind, he can’t see. What could it hurt.”
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, “Hey, nice t*ts. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?”
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”.
She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job”, Harry reply.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job.
She gets in the car.
He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE…
She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”
I bought a racehorse today, I called him My Face.
I don’t care if he doesn’t win, I just want to hear a load of posh twats shouting, “Come on My Face.”
Walking home after a girls’ night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.
The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.
Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!”
“That’s nothing,” says the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, ‘From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.'”
There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs.
The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says “If you catch me, you can screw me.”
An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs.
The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign.
A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs.
He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a huge gorilla with a sign that reads “If I catch you, I screw you.”
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
What’s the definition of a surprise? A fart with a lump in it.
Weddings are an expensive way to let your entire family know you are fucking that night.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a strangers leg you can actually hear them say “what the fuck are you doing?
I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.
Two ADV riders camping out in a tent. One of them crawls out to pee before bed. Comes back all wet. The other rider asks if it’s rainy outside. “No – it’s windy!”