150+ Demetri Martin Quotes From The Comic Cartoonist

Demetri Martin best quotes

These Demetri Martin quotes are from the comic cartoonist. There are so many Demetri Martin quotes that can help you when you are tired of being in the same old rut, and all you need is a little push, a little inspiration, a smile on the face, change of mood, bring you out of the banality of life, make you laugh a little, or may even make you cry a bit, and these Demetri Martin quotes exists just do that.

Demetri Martin is an American entertainer, on-screen character, craftsman and a performer. Demetri Martin is known for his phenomenal satire in his Comedy Central show “Significant Things with Demetri Martin” just as his commitments on “The Daily Show”. Demetri Martin is additionally known for Late Night with Conan O’Brien and Demetri Martin. Individual. Demetri Martin was conceived in New York City, New York. Demetri Martin is a Greek American. Demetri Martin has a more youthful sibling named Spyro. During secondary school, Demetri Martin alluded to himself as a geek. Demetri Martin burned through a large portion of his school days concentrating his riddle books and showing himself a lot of ‘pointless gifts’, for example, juggling, riding a unicycle, and being able to use both hands. From the 6th grade, Demetri Martin kept running for president or VP and won each year. From that point forward, Demetri Martin went to Yale University and graduated in the year 1995.

Demetri Martin at that point connected for Harvard Law School, however even subsequent to being acknowledged, Demetri Martin went to New York University School of Law, where he got a full grant. Demetri Martin pulled back from law school before the beginning of his last year, picking to pursue parody over completing his Juris Doctor. Demetri Martin started by performing at the Boston Comedy Club in New York. Demetri Martin worked at temp occupations, at that point become a full-time editor, complete many stand-up shows, some parody celebrations, two or three composition employments, some screenplays, two pilot contents, and around twenty minutes of Pilates. The world is initially got Demetri Martin impeccable comedic gifts when they previously observed him on Comedy Central’s phenomenal feature “Premium Blend”. In the year 2003, he won the Perrier Award with his show If I…. From 2003-2004, Demetri Martin composed for Late Night with Conan O’Brien. In the year 2005, Demetri Martin was credited as a benefactor on The Daily Show. Starting at 2014, Demetri Martin is never again a patron of The Daily Show. In the year 2009, Demetri Martin facilitated and featured in his very own TV show “Significant Things With Demetri Martin” on Comedy Central.

We have dug up these Demetri Martin quotes from the depths of the internet and brought together best of these sayings in a single article. This post is probably the biggest database of Demetri Martin Sayings in a single place. These famous Demetri Martin quotes have the power to change your life by giving a novel outlook about the way you observe different aspects of your life. Hence, these popular Demetri Martin quotes should be read with caution and proper understanding of the context. Here are tons of Demetri Martin quotes that will open a treasure chest of Wisdom and experiences: –

“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive.”

Demetri Martin best quotes

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“And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.”

Demetri Martin famous quotes

“Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.”

Demetri Martin quotes

“As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.”

Demetri Martin popular quotes“I never set out to do a sketch show.”

Demetri Martin saying

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“A lot of people don’t like bumper stickers. I don’t mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It’s like a little sign that says ‘Hey, let’s never hang out.'”

“A lot of people like lollipops. I don’t like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don’t need a handle. Just give me the candy.”

“After going through years of litigation to get royalties due to him, the guy who coined the term ‘happily ever after’ lived reasonably well for a while.”

“And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I’m looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I’m on the right track.”

“And of course I didn’t make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.”

“Artistically, I find jokes really satisfying aesthetically, because there’s something great about getting an idea down to a sentence or two.”

“As a comic, I think I’m very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I’ve written or thought up and how I say it.”

“But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.”

“But long story short, I didn’t start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.”

“But what I was going to say was, I just figured I’m going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.”

“Checkers taught me that a King is a man with another man on top of him. But life taught me that that’s actually called a Queen.”

“Conclusions are based in time. We live in time. So any definition of success is bound up with time. With other things you can say, “Can I yo-yo? Can I juggle?” Usually you have a pretty small window in which to get your answer. Stand-up is different. You can’t do stand-up for one night and say, “Am I a funny stand-up comedian?” In two months or two years you’ll start to realize it.”

“Drunken behavior will not be tolerated, except by those who are being hilarious.”

“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”

“For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I’d come home and go to church and everybody would say, ‘Oh, my God. Demetri, you’re working at the White House.'”

“For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you’ve been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things actually moves. I find it very hard to be shocked, and when other people aggressively take offense to something, I’m sometimes confused.”

“For me, possibility, progress, growth, those things are very.. they feel very good. It doesn’t usually come with negativity. I don’t really mind sucking at something as long as I’m getting a little bit better at it along the way.”

“I always try to just be honest … As opposed to artifice or manipulation.”

“I am a comedian but it’s usually not a compliment to be called a prop comedian but I guess I sometimes use props. And I always confuse humorist with comedian. That’s strange.”

“I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.”

“I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I am so sorry. I am supposed to be some sort of mind reader, I guess. I am moving out of the way now as slowly as I possibly can. I am doing this and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“I didn’t play music, nobody in my family had an instrument or played music, we didn’t even have any books at my house. I think about it and I’m like, I don’t know how I climbed out of there.”

“I do come across people who don’t like me, don’t like my comedy, don’t think it’s funny, it’s too cutesy, or whatever they hate. And it’s like, ‘Okay. That’s your opinion. Somebody liked it, so that’s good.’ Hopefully it balances out.”

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be a master at anything, but I think that’s a mistake for me personally. I don’t know how much it’s about the journey, but it’s more about the process.”

“I don’t know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it’s okie dokie. ‘I’m okie dokie. I’m a little shaken up, but I’m okie dokie.’ ‘The good news is, she’s okie dokie. The surgery went fine.'”

“I got into stand-up because I love stand-up. Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punch line.”

“I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.”

“I just know keeping track of what I’m doing and where I’m going is important to me.”

“I just listen to so much music that I like the role music can play in scoring something. I’m not doing song parodies or funny songs, I’m just adding some music to my words. So it’s limited and specific, but as a performer I find it pretty enjoyable.”

“I just started doing this one-man show, and I wanted to be able to score it, so I bought a guitar, and got a keyboard and got a harmonica. I remember when I started that I didn’t understand why a harmonica had different letters on them.”

“I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I’m not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.”

“I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I’d know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.”

“I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like, ‘huh? What the hell is this?’ But if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like, ‘this is nice!'”

“I like shorter jokes. I like fewer words. I think the more ideas there are the, the fewer words there should be.”

“I like stand-up. But I’d also like a family and house and a yard. I want to work with a lot of people, have colleagues; and on good film sets, there’s people there that work with the same people for years and years. I love that collaborative spirit in that medium. Comedy is a lot more solitary.”

“I like to use ‘I Can’t Believe it’s Not Butter’ on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.”

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“I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. ‘Hey, man, what are you playing?’ ‘Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I’m performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'”

“I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it’s like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn’t do, probably.”

“I like women, but you can’t always trust them. Some of them are big liars, like this one woman I met who had a dog. I asked her her dog’s name and then I asked, ‘Does he bite?’ and she said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘So how does he eat?’ Liar!”

“I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it’s done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play it, and I need the attention.”

“I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.”

“I love motor learning because it’s very basic and primal. A lot of what I like to learn correlates with the opposite of what gets you laid. I can ride a unicycle and I can juggle. These are unimpressive things to know.”

“I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the ’80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.”

“I love women, but I feel like you can’t trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog’s name. Then I said, ‘Does he bite?’ She said, ‘No.’ And I said, ‘Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?’ Liar.”

“I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries!’ and D-batteries that’s hard for foreigners. ‘Yes, I would like de batteries.'”

“I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said ‘Guess’.”

“I started being a comedy fan when I was, I’m going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.”

“I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.”

“I think a lot of people who watch TV don’t realize when they’re watch TV shows and it says ‘produced by’ and producer, producer… there are all these producers. What the hell does a producer do? It’s funny how much you have to worry about as a producer.”

“I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.”

“I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I do think about the specific people in the audience, how it’s hard for them to get up and go to the bathroom, how they chose not to do other things that night and have turned off their phones and everything. So for that reason, I think it’s necessary to mix it up and talk to the audience.”

“I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get fully immersed in things and feel very alive and challenged, but in a good way. I feel a sense of progress.”

“I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, ‘Looks like you’re writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you’ll get more money.'”

“I think it’s interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.”

“I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.”

“I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.”

“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.'”

“I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don’t know how to speak.”

“I think there’s a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you’re a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.”

“I think, at first blush, the ’60s always enticed me. There’s something about the ’60s, it’s not hard to like it.”

“I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.”

“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.”

“I want to make a revolving door that says ‘Pull’ on it, just see how obedient people are.”

“I was a good student when I was a kid, and I did everything I was supposed to do, and I got A’s.”

“I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.”

“I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.'”

“I wasn’t even a big comedy nerd. A lot of the comedians I know – a lot of my friends are comedians – they knew a lot about comedy growing up.”

“I wasn’t the class clown, but I was starting to become the “crazy guy” at law school, which is the guy who is not so much “crazy” as “annoying.””

“I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, ‘Actual’. I’m not to scale.”

“I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.”

“I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.”

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“I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’ ‘Dude, these are isotopes.’ ‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’ ‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'”

“I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said ‘Happy Birthday’ on it. I didn’t want to waste it so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.”

“I’d love to win trophies, be in movies, have a body of work I’m proud of and find a way to enjoy it along the way. Success is probably a more of a complicated thing than that.”

“If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.”

“If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.”

“If I make my window ten days for stand-up, the conclusion is that I failed and that I’m not good at stand-up. If I make it ten years – if I just wait – the conclusion might be something totally different. I think it’s so cool to do things in which you discover the malleability of your own mind.”

“If I think of a joke that’s really dirty and I think it’s funny I’ll try it but what I’ve found over the years is they just don’t laugh. It doesn’t work coming out of my mouth so it’s like they taught me ‘don’t do that. Don’t go that way or you’ll lose me.'”

“If you can’t tell a spoon from a ladle, then you’re fat!”

“If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.”

“If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.”

“If you want to feel less sexy put scotch tape on your nipples.”

“I’m a producer on my show, which is great, but it’s also kind of a mixed blessing because there’s so much responsibility. Everything is a decision. You have to worry about the money, you have to worry about daylight, who we’re going to cast and if this location doesn’t work out, what are we going to do?”

“I’m always excited to try something I haven’t done.”

“I’m very hip-oriented. I focus on hips in my comedy – probably more than any other hipster comic who is out there hipping today. My hips, other hips. I work with my hips a great deal. That is what I do. But not in a gay way.”

“In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.”

“In retrospect, everything is finite, but prospectively, there are infinite possibilities. I guess that’s what makes life hopeful.”

“It feels like every day or two, people on Twitter and the Internet are outraged about something.”

“It seems that man’s greatest natural enemy is the target.”

“It seems that two of the most basic forms of comedy are jokes and stories. And, of course, they are not mutually exclusive.”

“It turns out dentists don’t like it very much when you show up for a cleaning in full vampire gear.”

“It’s always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than… um, wait, than… something, maybe.”

“It’s funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don’t feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who’s doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it’s more possible.”

“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the dog’s owner – and the distance you are from your car.”

“It’s very easy to go through your whole life and never really get anything done or have any real meaningful interactions or relationships. All of a sudden you’re dead, and I’m going to say that’s got to be a letdown.”

“It’s weird to make a decision where everyone in your life disapproves, pretty vocally and directly. They said, “You’ve got one year left. Just do it.” I had a full scholarship so I didn’t have to pay for it. They asked, “Why don’t you just get the degree so you can have it?” And I said, “You don’t understand. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and now I know. I have the answer and it’s dumb to waste any more time.””


“I’ve often liked a girl, made her laugh, and thought she liked me, and then found out that she didn’t like me that way. I’ve definitely done time in the friend zone.”

“Jumping jacks are easier to do than crawling jacks.”

“My family was fine, it’s just a different way of going about life. Creativity was not something that was isolated and identified and valued.”

“My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'”

“My original goal was just to do stand-up but then I became interested in films – writing a film, shooting one someday, and getting to act in them.”

“My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.”

“Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.”

“Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And then I started again when I was in my twenties. I really didn’t progress since then, so the way I draw is the way I drew in sixth grade.”

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“One thing you never hear is Man that guy is good at badminton.”

“One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.'”

“People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they’re very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they’re kind of hard to tell apart – especially if the human is kind of hairy.”

“Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.”

“Right before I’m about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.”

“Saying, ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying, ‘ I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”

“Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.”

“Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.”

“Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.”

“Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.”

“Stand-up is like a row boat: it’s fun and romantic when you’re choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it’s not as enjoyable; that’s survival.”

“Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I’m swimming, sometimes I’m not sure which one it is.”

“The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.”

“The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who’s really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.”

“The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.”

“The other night I was playing twister with some amputees.”

“The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.”

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“There are jokes I know I want to tell, and there’s sort of a rough order, but usually I try to change it up every show, to improvise and talk with the audience. I think when you tell jokes, if you’re not careful, you can end up telling the whole list of jokes and then that’s it. And that can get a little boring.”

“There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else’s house.”

“There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.”

“There’s a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, ‘Futon World.’ Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.”

“There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.”

“They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you’re dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.”

“Timing is everything. That’s a cliche. Now. If I’d said that a long time ago, I’d have been original.”

“To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment’s messy I need to clean it. It’s like before you start doing your homework or studying for a test, you have to have a clean room.”

“To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.”

“To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.”

“To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.”

“Use crazy glue and nails to turn a rocking chair into just a chair that looks like a rocking chair.”

“Usually my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.”

“Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.”

“Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of it.”

“What I’ve learned about my self over the years is that I’m pretty restless. If I multitask it’s probably because I have difficulty just focusing on one thing.”

“What’s this about rice milk? I didn’t even know rice had nipples!”

“When I am given a multiple choice test I choose not to take it.”

“When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed. But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Before that, I never realized how much I sought other people’s approval. Once I figured that out, I was free to move on and seek the approval of other people, in comedy clubs and showbiz meetings.”

“When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying come here for a second. It just pulls me closer for a second, yeah what do you want? I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated. I’m aware of that, thank you… can I go now? Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me. Ok, world, see you later. Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years.”

“When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven’t gone on the page in a while, there used to be some guy who was doing my page and he would say that he was my cousin and I was going to be doing projects with him. I don’t know who this person is and I don’t have a cousin by this name and this person keeps saying that they’re doing projects with me. It’s so weird.”

“When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.”

“When I was younger, I’d get very empirical with myself. “I have a hypothesis about myself. I’ll put myself in a situation, see what happens, then I’ll draw a conclusion based on the empirical evidence. Hypothesis: I can play basketball.” So I’d try. “Conclusion: I cannot play basketball.””

“When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.”

“When there’s someone who’s dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don’t understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?”

“When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.”

“Whenever I’m on my computer, I don’t type ‘lol’. I type ‘lqtm’ – laugh quietly to myself. It’s more honest.”


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