60+ Amy Schumer Stealing Jokes You Can Relate To

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amy schumer stealing jokes

In a world of confusion and misunderstanding that often stresses out, we have only one recourse that will pull us out from such miseries! Wondering what is it? Very simple! They are nothing else but Jokes! The very word joke can make us forget about the world we are in and at the same time enable us to lead a happy life! But wait, have you heard about Amy Schumer Stealing Jokes? If not here is your chance!

Keeping in view of the trend and popularity associated with Amy Schumer Stealing Jokes, we have compiled 60+ Amy Schumer Stealing Jokes That You Can Relate To! Not alone that, these jokes will also leave you in a pool of laugh and joy in no time!

Ready to uncover them?

There is no humorist right now as well known and as unmistakable as Amy Schumer. Schumer is companions with Jennifer Lawrence. Schumer has become a popular culture image for women’s liberation. Schumer’s motion picture Trainwreck was named for a Golden Globe, a Critics’ Choice Award, a People’s Choice Award, and a Writers Guild of America Award. Everything Schumer contacts transforms into gold.

However, Schumer now faces a charge that undermines her ongoing achievement: She’s being known as a copyright infringer — a joke stealer. What’s more, it most likely doesn’t make a difference that the individuals who at first spread out those charges have since withdrawn them.

Over the previous year, Schumer has become an image of woman’s rights and a victor against whore disgracing and body shamers, a picture that the media solidified. “Amy Schumer’s epic reaction to fat disgracing,” a CNN article pronounced. “Watch Amy Schumer shut down an inconsiderate questioner like a chief,” Time called. In the meantime, BuzzFeed arranged “21 reasons Amy Schumer was the one genuine saint of 2015.”

Pescatelli fundamentally called horse crap on all that, setting that Schumer wasn’t only a joke stealer however a joke stealer who pushed other ladies down to support her very own prosperity. It’s a twofold sided malevolence for somebody who should be a supporter holy person of woman’s rights and fairness.

Madigan, Liebman, and Pescatelli blamed Schumer for taking three unique jokes, one from every one of them. Since their underlying charges, two more — one including the late entertainer Patrice O’Neal and the other including one of the scholars for Schumer’s Comedy Central arrangement Inside Amy Schumer — have surfaced

So, the next time if you want a break, just read these 60 + Amy Schumer Stealing Jokes You Can Relate To for a fun filled experience!

Liebman:”Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I like it when the guy pays. For sex.”
Amy Schumer: “I am very old-school — I think the guy should always pay on the first date. For sex.”amy schumer stealing jokes

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Hey! Just at the cemetery, thinkin’ boutcha.

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I walked in on him masturbating. He’s like, ‘Are you mad?’ I’m like, ‘Uh no, but you seem to be. Holy shit. Does it owe you money?’

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No one’s ever cum on my face. That surprises a lot of people. Never caught one up top as they say in the biz.

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You know what they say: ‘Once you go black, your parents don’t talk to you anymore.’

popular amy schumer stealing jokes

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The Slap “Chef” and weight loss
Madigan’s joke is that Oprah is so rich that she could hire someone to slap the food out of her hands. Schumer’s joke is centered on a new weight loss program where a chef would slap the food out of your hands and you’d belong to a gym where trainers would work you out while you sleep.

While there’s certainly a similarity here, Madigan’s argument is more pointed with regard to Oprah’s status and inequality in America. “You have enough money to pay a man to stand there and literally slap shit out of your hand,” Madigan says, sneaking in a joke about how people who aren’t as well off as Oprah eat at Taco Bell.

Dressing men
Pescatelli: “Men, if we love you, we dress you for other women too. That’s why we dress you stupid. ”
Schumer (to her sister, about her sister’s husband): “You dress him like that so no one else wants to have sex with him? That’s cool.”

The Houdini vs. the Poltergeist
These two jokes involve sex acts called “the Houdini” and “the Poltergeist.” This similarity between these two jokes isn’t in the Pescatelli/Madigan/Liebman complaint, but it’s circulating the internet nonetheless.
Schumer used to open for O’Neal, who died in 2011, and there’s an assertion that she copied the joke from him. O’Neal’s humor was conversational, and in his version of the joke he would tell his audience about a sex position he’d heard about.
The jokes both operate on the shock of sex acts that have become urban legends; they both describe the same thing, but with different names.
O’Neal: “There’s ‘the Poltergeist.’ But you need your friend for this one. You’re fucking her from behind, and then you sneak out and he takes your place. And then you walk outside and wave at her through the window.”
Schumer: “The worst one I’ve ever heard is ‘the Houdini.’ It’s where the guy’s having sex with the girl from behind. Then, unbeknownst to her, his friend subs in for him. Guy 1 runs outside, knocks on the window, and waves to the girl. Which is just rape. That’s just rape. It’s not fair to Houdini.”
What differentiates Schumer’s is the inclusion of rape and not being fair to Houdini — it twists the joke a bit, and changes the afterthought.

I hate false advertising, like ‘Skittles: taste the rainbow.’ No one’s ever been like, ‘Rainbow, right you guys?’ Or what’s Reese’s? ‘There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s.’ Oh, really? Tell that to my uncle who used to put them in my underwear. Alright, maybe your uncles didn’t love you.

Out of nowhere she tells me that Oliver Stone – you know, the director – she’s like, ‘He has this huge Asian fetish, and I find it totally offensive.’ And I’m like, ‘Why, Kwan? That sounds awesome.’ She’s like, ‘I’m offended because I’m Asian.’ And I was just like, ‘Well, I’m sorry, but I didn’t even notice that. I thought you were just really tired.’

I went home with this French guy ’cause he said something adorable, like, ‘I have an apartment.’

It’s work having a vagina. Guys don’t think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.

I asked for a glass of Chardonnay. And in a 9/11-like twist, they didn’t have any. They offered me Pinot.

You feel like such a dirty whore buying plan b. It is so embarrassing because it’s over the counter but you have to ask you pharmacist, and they know what you want but they make you ask. They’re lookin’ at me, I’m like, you see where my eyeliner is just give it to me.

I donated blood today. That’s what I call getting an AIDS test.

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Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I’ve never woken up and been like, ‘What is this Pilates mat doing out?’

You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I’ll be like, ‘You’re going to want to wear this. I’ve had a busy month.’

The kids didn’t call me Amy Schumer; they called me Amy Jewmer. One summer, I’ll never forget this, all the kids took turns throwing handfuls of pennies at me. I know, I was like, ‘Excuse me – this is awesome!’

You know that show ‘Teen Mom’? Or if you’re from the South, ‘Mom.’

My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you’ll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn’t. I’m interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.

It’s a weird age. They’re like, ‘Amy, I’m pregnant.’ And I still don’t know whether to be like, ‘Congratulations,’ or ‘Do you need a ride?’

I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering “You won’t believe who I’m inside.” It’s fine.

I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation – like I know where I’m going to be in three years.

I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea — he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, ‘He’s probably in a band.’

The way that these girls keep themselves skinny is awful, isn’t it? By vomiting or using hard drugs – which I can’t afford.

I’m so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he’s always turning the lights on, you know what I’m saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he’s like, ‘Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.’ I was like, ‘Oh my god, you’re so cute. You think I don’t want you to see me?’

My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.

You shoot saltwater in your ass?

I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I’m equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I’m at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.

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Very neat for a boy; always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He’s Hispanic, so he’s like, ‘Now who’s the wetback?’ I’m like, ‘Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren’t going to do themselves.’

Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?

You know what the worst part about my drinking is? When I’m drunk I slur. You know, like I say racial slurs. Wow, nobody likes that at a barbeque.

My mom is very good at being passive-aggressive, and my Dad is a total wise-ass, so I think the mixture of the two of them is my comedy.

I feel like you know what you’re going to be good at when you’re older based on what you like when you’re younger. When I was younger my best friend was Tony, this kid Tony, and he loved rocks. He was always playing with rocks, counting them, and now he’s a crack head.

There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her – because the kid can tell.

I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.

There’s a plastic bag whirling around in the wind. Is it a bag full of shit?

He was really into family… He’d never come on the road with me on the weekends ’cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.

She’s always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she’s like, ‘You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.’ I was like, ‘Oh my god, who cares, right?’ I mean it is weird that she’s the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.

In New York I’m, like, a six – seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, ‘What the fuck is that?’ Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, ‘Beyonce calls it jelly.’ They were like, ‘That’s cottage cheese, bitch. Do some lunges.’

I have an excuse, actually, why I’ve been drinking so much. I haven’t said this out loud yet – this is exciting – I’m drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody’s being evicted.

Don’t feel bad for me. I think I’m, like, so pretty.

I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It’s not true. I’m right where I should be.

The girls I grew up with they’re living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they’re like, ‘Amy, I’m pregnant.’ And I still react like, ‘What are you going to do? I’ll drive you, I guess.’

Now every idiot from high school’s like, ‘I’m back!’ We weren’t supposed to meet again. Stop poking me and inviting me to your weird vampire parties. No, I don’t want to follow you on Twatter. Like, nobody’s interested in you. I don’t want to see you in real life, why would I want to follow you in the imaginary one?

My friends all got really into that show ‘The Deadliest Catch.’ But I never watched it ’cause I always just assumed it was about AIDS. It’s about crabs. Don’t tune in looking for that ‘Big AIDS Hour.’

It says, ‘It’s safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.’ Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you’re drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I’ve eaten weirder things.

I don’t think that’s a cute accent on dudes – the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole.

My mom’s always saying really smart things… like, you probably heard this one, ‘Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?’ Wish I’d listened to that one.

I just went through a break up, actually. I’m not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I’m just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, ‘Never put your face in them.’

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things – like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

I tend to eat pretty healthy, though, and I work out – I work out hard.

I like to create stuff. I like to express myself through jokes.

I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy. Just to think that, out there, there was some guy, like flipping through the channels, being like, ‘Hey, I 69’d her on a cruise ship.’

To be really great, you need to be naturally funny in order to stand out. But you can work at it, and find the best vehicle that you have to communicate what you’re saying to people.

I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don’t think you can rise much above that.

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I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I’m not trying to make headlines. I’m just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.

The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.

I’ve always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don’t say anything for shock value.

I’ll never forget the day I realized I wasn’t quite the Ford model I thought I was.

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