The Hangover Quotes that makes us experience the hangover. There are so many The Hangover quotes that can help you when you are tired of being in the same old rut, and all you need is a little push, a little inspiration, a smile on the face, change of mood, bring you out of the banality of life, make you laugh a little, or may even make you cry a bit, and these The Hangover quotes exists just do that.
Directed by Todd Phillip, The Hangover is an American film belonging to the comedy genre. It was written by Scott Moore and Jon Lucas. The co-director of the film was Daniel Goldberg. This film marks the beginning of the Hangover trilogy. Actors like Ed Helms, Zach Galifianakis, Justin Bartha, Bradley Cooper, Heather Graham and Jeffrey Tambor plays the major roles in the film. The film reflects the story of Stu Price, Alan Garner Phil Wenneck and Doug Billing. They are travelling to Las Vegas to attend the bachelor’s party of Doug as he is getting married. But after the party when they wake up the next morning, they find out Doug missing. All the others went blackout of everything that happened last night at the party.
After writing the script due to certain problems Lucas and Moore sold the script to Philips and Jeremy for about two million dollars. Afterwards, Jeremy and Philips rewrote the script and included a subplot where they incorporated a baby, a police officer and a boxer named Mike Tyson. They also included a tiger in the script. The film was shot in Nevada, and it took fifteen days for its completion. After the filming, the three actors became as close as true friends.
The film was released in 2009 June 5. The film received many positive appreciations from many famous people across the film world. It was considered a significant success in the box office. It collected about $467 million worldwide. This film marked the tenth highest grossing film of the year 2009. The film has won many awards including Golden Globe Award for Best Motion Picture. This film was also the second-rated comedy film in the United States. The next part of the film The Hangover II was released on 26 May 2013. This film also received the same positive appreciation as the first one.
The film was rated 78% by the Rotten Tomatoes, a famous film rating website. The average rating of the film was 6.8 out of 10. With the apt script, Hangover marks the best humour and amusing film that has ever made in the United States.
We have dug up these The Hangover quotes from the depths of the internet and brought together best of these sayings in a single article. This post is probably the biggest database of The Hangover Sayings in a single place. These famous The Hangover quotes have the power to change your life by giving a novel outlook about the way you observe different aspects of your life. Hence, these popular The Hangover quotes should be read with caution and proper understanding of the context. Here are tons of The Hangover quotes that will open a treasure chest of Wisdom and experiences: –
“We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell.”
“Love gives the best of highs
But also the worst of hangovers.”
“Curse you, cheap beer. Must find miso in tiny packet.”
“Love, doesn’t need any stamp of society to prove itself, it just happens”
“Laurent entered, an edge to his grace, like a leopard with a headache.”
“The movements of some more little red birds in the garden, like animated rosebuds, appeared unbearably jittery and thievish. It was as though the creatures were attached by sensitive wires to his nerves.”
“Her head felt like elephants were doing the merengue on her cerebellum.”
“I very carefully levered up an eyelid and shut it again fast. A merciless sunbeam had squirted straight in, making my brain bleed.”
“A dusty thudding in his head made the scene before him beat like a pulse. His mouth had been used as a latrine by some small creature of the night, and then as its mausoleum. During the night, too, he’d somehow been on a cross-country run and then been expertly beaten up by secret police. He felt bad.”
“Hangovers are a vivid form of vengeance. Last night my apartment became the venue for a small, introverted chardonnay festival. A melancholy choir of Bulgarians provided the entertainment, via a set of headphones that ended up irredeemably tangled beneath the bed. Part of me just watched. The other part was in charge.”
“The lovely effects of champagne were quite gone and only the nasty ones were left; the taste in the mouth, the splitting ache in the brow and the impotence of not being able to clarify one’s thoughts.”
“What the fuck is going on Lor? What the hell did you do last night? What did you say to Kacey? Who the hell is Blue Eyes and why is my car spray-painted with the word ‘asshole’?”
Spray-paint? Oh dear God, what have I done?”
“How are you feeling Sweet Peach?” he enquires as he walks across to the chest of drawers, selects a pair of socks and pulls them on.
Sweet Peach? What the hell?
He’s definitely gay …
I shrug. “Er … okay, I guess. I really don’t remember much though. How did I get here … and why am I wearing your t-shirt?” I ask hesitantly, afraid of the answer.
Hagen laughs nervously. “I brought you home when you couldn’t tell me where you lived. And don’t worry, you got changed all by yourself … in the kitchen … for like an hour.”
“If I only drink beer, nothing stronger, then by the end of the night I can generally recognize myself as a reasonable human being, and more importantly, wake up that way.”
“foggy hangover….fending off sloth and torpor….the battle within!!!!!”
“Sam groaned. A warmth on her face alerted her to the new morning. She opened one eye and peered at the fuzzy daylight streaming in through the window. Her head throbbed like a bitch. Her mouth felt like a carpet. She pushed herself off the couch and stood up shakily, kicking bottles as she stumbled to her small kitchen. Every movement was painful and slow. She was a sloth tight-roping through time. She held onto the basin for a moment to steady herself. She grabbed a plastic cup and opened the tap, letting it flow as she filled and refilled it, gulping down as much water as she could. She splashed her face, neck and chest with water, then refilled the cup and dumped the contents over her head. She stood there, unaware of the moments passing by, as the water dripped down her body. Willing herself to wake up and feel better. Willing the nausea into oblivion.”
“I awake to hear a shower running and quickly stifle a groan.
Oh God, my head hurts!
How much did I have to drink last night?
I slowly prise open one eye and quickly close it again, the light hurts my delicate hung-over state too much.
I sigh heavily and try to recall what exactly happened last night.”
“Thanks liver… you are a champ!”
“That drinking thing, the night before an early morning start, I actually think it helps the productivity in some ways (as long as it’s not spirits) it gives you that I don’t give a fuck attitude, more relaxed, I’m getting away with it after all, I had a life last night, and now I may be hungover, but I had that secret world that you didn’t have, and that you tried to take away from me, want to take away from me. But I still got that beer buzz. And I’ll do it again, tomorrow night too. I’ll never surrender. And when I’m working, I’ll be thinking about it. Those moments of mine, truly mine, that you can never have or take away from me.”
“Having rebound sex to cure a heartbreak is like drinking alcohol to cure a hangover.”
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“The world was a bad joke dreamed up by the Almighty on an off-day. I’ve always felt myself that he probably had a hangover that morning.”
“A phantom fish, half beaten to death, wriggled in my stomach.”
“I’ve found a baby before.”
“Plus, it’s not a man purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.”
“Hey! There are skittles in there!”
“This isn’t the real Caesar’s Palace is it?”
“Hey, Phil, look. He’s jackin’ his little weenis.”
“Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly?”
“Nobody’s gonna f*ck on you! We’re on your side! I hate Godzilla! I hate him too! I hate him! He destroys cities! Please! This isn’t your fault. I’ll get you some pants.”
“Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast!”
“You better walk on. I’ll hit an old man in public.”
“I don’t care what happens. I don’t care if we kill someone.”
“I didn’t know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.”
“Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.”
“Oh you know what, next weeks no good for me, the Jonas brothers are in town.”
“THIS ISN’T THE REAL CAESARS PALACE, IS IT?”
“IT’S AT THE CORNER OF GET A MAP AND F*** OFF.”
“NOT AT THE TABLE, CARLOS!”
“NOT YOU, FAT JESUS. SLIDE IT ON BACK!”
“I HATE GODZILLA! I HATE HIM TOO!”
“TIGERS LOVE PEPPER. THEY HATE CINNAMON.”
“I LOOK LIKE A NERDY HILLBILLY!”
“HEY GUYS, YOU READY TO LET THE DOGS OUT?”
“WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS, STAYS IN VEGAS.”
“HEY! THERE ARE SKITTLES IN THERE!”
Tracy, it’s Phil.
Phil, where the hell are you guys? I’m freaking out.
Yeah, listen. Uh… We f***ed up.
What are you talking about?
The bachelor party– The whole night– Things got outta control, and, uh… We lost Doug.
We can’t find Doug.
What are you saying, Phil? We’re getting married in five hours!”
Yeah. That’s not gonna happen.
Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Except for herpes. That shit’ll come back with ya.”
I want you to know, Doug, I’m a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it.
Okay. I got it. Thank you. I don’t think that…
Seriously. I don’t care what happens. I don’t care if we kill someone.
You heard me. It’s Sin City. I won’t tell a soul.
Okay. I got it. Thank you.
No, thank you.
[the two future in-laws embrace]
I love you so much.”
All good with Melissa?
Oh, yeah. Told her we’re two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Don’t you think it’s strange that you’ve been in a relationship for three years, and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Yeah, I do. But trust me, it’s not worth the fight.
Oh, so you can’t go to Vegas, but she can f*** a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Okay. First of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn’t even come inside her.
And you believe that?
Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she’s grossed out by semen.”
I like to say somethin’ that I prepared tonight.
All right, Alan.
[extracts a sheet of paper and presents his speech] Hello. How ’bout that ride in? I guess that’s why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, “Wait a second, could it be?” And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together, in Las Vegas, looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast! [pulls out a pocket knife]
Whattaya got there?
[Alan tries to cut his palm, to the others’ shock]
What the f***?!
What are you doin’?!
[Alan groans in pain]
What is that?!
[sees Alan with his new satchel] You’re not really wearin’ that, are you?
The man purse. You actually gonna wear that, or you guys just f***in’ with me?
It’s where I keep all my things. Get a lot of compliments on this. Plus it’s not a man purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
So does Joy Behar.”
Guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?
Oh, f***! I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger! How the f*** did he get in there?
I don’t know, because I don’t remember.
Shh! Stu! Stu, keep it down.
One of the side-effects of roofies is memory loss.
You are literally too stupid to insult.”
All right. We got the money. 80 grand. Cash.
Throw it over! Then I give you Doug.
I’m sorry. First of all, good morning. We didn’t catch your name last night.
Mr. Chow. Leslie Chow.
Mr. Chow, it is a pleasure. My name is Stu. And we would very much appreciate an opportunity to see Doug before we give you the money, to verify that he’s okay, if that’s… that’s cool.
Of course, Stu. That is cool. [claps hands, and a man with a bag on his head is brought out of the car]
[relieved] Oh! Okay.
See? He fine. Now, gimme money, or I shoot him, and I shoot all you motherf***ers! And then we take it! Your choice, bitches!”
I called that bed and breakfast in Napa. They said they had no record of you even checking in.
That’s ’cause we didn’t go to Napa.
Stu, what the f*** is going on?
We went to Las Vegas.
Oh, really? Las Vegas? Why would you go Las Vegas?
‘Cause my best friend was getting married, and that’s what guys do.
That’s not what you do.
Really? Well, then, why did I do it?! Huh?! ‘Cause I did it! Riddle me that! Why’d I do it?! You know, sometimes I think all you want me to do is what you want me to do. Well, I’m sick of doing what you want me to do all the time. I think, in a healthy relationship, sometimes a guy should be able to do what he wants to do.
That is not how this works!
Oh, good! Because whatever this is ain’t workin’ for me!
Since you f***ed that waiter on your cruise last June! BOOM!!!
You told me it was a bartender.
Oh. You’re right. I stand corrected. It was a bartender. You f***ed a bartender.
You’re an idiot.
You’re a– You… [struggles] You’re… such a bad person! Like, all the way through to your core!”
“Some guys just can’t handle Vegas”
“Whose baby is this?”
“Am I missing a tooth?”
“I stole a police car?!”
“What happened last night?”
“Where the hell is my tiger?”
“Have you seen this man?”
“You mess with the wrong guy.”
“Well, technically, I’m an escort.”
“[first lines; Doug’s telephone answering message]
Doug Billings: Hey, you’ve reached Doug. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a name and number and I’ll get back to you.”
“[Stu’s telephone answering message]
Stu Price: Hi, you’ve reached Dr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry. Please leave a message after…”
“[Phil’s telephone answering message]
Phil Wenneck: Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message, or don’t, but do me a favor, don’t text me, it’s gay.”
“Linda Garner: Anything?
Tracy Garner: I tried them all. It keeps going straight to voicemail.
Linda Garner: Well, there has to be an explanation.
Sid Garner: Sweetie, it’s Vegas. You lose track of time in those casinos. There’s no windows, there’s no clocks. He’s probably on a heater. And you never walk away from the table when you’re on a heater.
Linda Garner: You do if you’re getting married.”
“[Tracy answers her cell phone]
Tracy Garner: Hello?
Phil Wenneck: Ahem, Tracy, it’s Phil.
Tracy Garner: Phil, where the hell are you guys? I’m freaking out.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah listen, uh, we fucked up.
Tracy Garner: What are you talking about?
Phil Wenneck: The bachelor party, the whole night. It, things got out of control and, uh, we lost Doug.
Tracy Garner: What?
Phil Wenneck: We can’t find Doug.
Tracy Garner: What are you saying, Phil? We’re getting married in five hours.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah. That’s not going to happen.”
“[while getting fitted for a tux]
Alan Garner: [to the tailor] Woh, watch it pervert!
Doug Billings: It’s okay Alan, he’s just measuring your inseam.
Alan Garner: He’s getting close to my shaft.”
“Alan Garner: I want you to know, Doug, I’m a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever, speak a word of it.
Doug Billings: Okay. Yeah, I got it. Thank you. I don’t think that…
Alan Garner: Seriously. I don’t care what happens. I don’t care if we kill someone.
Doug Billings: What?
Alan Garner: You heard me. It’s Sin City. I won’t tell a soul.
[he adjusts jock strap]
Doug Billings: Okay. I got it. Thank you.
Alan Garner: No, thank you.
[Alan hugs Doug and Doug pats him on his back]”
“[Sid’s given Doug permission to drive his car to Vegas]
Sid Garner: Oh, and, uh, don’t let Alan drive, because there’s something wrong with him.
Doug Billings: Understood.
Sid Garner: Oh, and Phil either. I don’t like him.
Doug Billings: I will be the only one driving this car. I promise.
Sid Garner: Good.”
“Sid Garner: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Sid Garner: Except for herpes. That shit’ll come back with you.”
“[while waiting to pick up Phil at the school where he works]
Alan Garner: Do you have to park so close?
Doug Billings: Yeah, what’s wrong?
Alan Garner: I shouldn’t be here.
Doug Billings: Why is that, Alan?
Alan Garner: I’m not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school
Doug Billings: What?
Alan Garner: Or a Chuck E. Cheese.”
“[Phil gets into the back seat of the car]
Phil Wenneck: Would you shut up and drive before these nerds ask me another question.
Doug Billings: Animal.
Phil Wenneck: Who’s this?
Doug Billings: It’s Alan. Tracy’s brother.
Alan Garner: I met you, like, four times.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?”
“[whilst packing for the trip]
Melissa: Don’t forget your Rogaine.
Stu Price: Rogaine, check.
Melissa: And don’t forget to use it. I can totally tell when you forget, your hair just looks thinner.
Stu Price: Using of the Rogaine, check.”
“Melissa: I just wish your friends were as mature as you.
Stu Price: They are mature, actually. You just have to get to know them better.
[just then Doug pulls up on their driveway and Phil yells]
Phil Wenneck: Paging Doctor Faggot. Doctor Faggot!
Stu Price: I should go.
Melissa: That’s a good idea, Doctor Faggot.”
“Phil Wenneck: Come on, just till Barstow. Everybody’s passing us.
Doug Billings: Absolutely not. I promised Sid. I will be the only one driving this car. Besides, you’re drinking.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, what are you, a cop now? Come on, you know I drive great when I’m drunk.
Stu Price: That’s true. Don’t forget, Phil was always our designated drunk driver.”
“Alan Garner: Guys, my dad loves this car more than he loves me, so, yeah.
Phil Wenneck: Aw, whatever. Look, I left my wife and kid at home so I could go with you guys to Vegas. Do you know how difficult that was?
Alan Garner: That’s really sweet, Phil.
Doug Billings: Yeah.
Phil Wenneck: Dude, I was being sarcastic. I fucking hate my life. I may never go back. I might just stay in Vegas.
Doug Billings: Here we go.”
“Phil Wenneck: You know what, Doug? You should enjoy yourself, because come Sunday you’re going to start dying, just a little bit, every day.
Alan Garner: Yeah.
Doug Billings: Alright.
Alan Garner: That’s why I’ve managed to stay single this whole time, you know?
Stu Price: [sarcastically] Oh, really? That’s why you’re single?
Alan Garner: Yeah.
Stu Price: [sarcastically] Cool. Good to know.”
“[commenting on the Mercedes as Alan is pumping the gas]
Old Timer at Gas Station: Boy, you’ve got a sweet ride there.
Alan Garner: Don’t touch it. Don’t even look at it. Go on, get out. You heard me.
[the old man walks away]
Alan Garner: Don’t look at me, either. Yeah, you better walk on.”
“[referring to Alan]
Phil Wenneck: Is he all there? Like, mentally?
Doug Billings: I think so. He’s just an odd guy. You know, he’s kind of weird.
Phil Wenneck: I mean, should we be worried?
Doug Billings: No.
Phil Wenneck: Alright.
Doug Billings: No. Tracy did mention that we shouldn’t let him gamble. Or drink too much.
Phil Wenneck: Jesus, he’s like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit.”
“Doug Billings: All good with Melissa?
Stu Price: Oh, yeah. Told her we’re two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it.
Phil Wenneck: Don’t you think it’s strange that you’ve been in a relationship for three years and you still have to lie about going to Vegas?
Stu Price: Yeah, I do. But trust me, it’s not worth the fight.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, so you can’t go to Vegas but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?
Doug Billings: Hey.
Stu Price: Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know, he didn’t even come inside her.
Phil Wenneck: And you believe that?
Stu Price: Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she’s grossed out by semen.”
“Alan Garner: It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?
Doug Billings: I don’t think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan.
Alan Garner: Gambling? Who said anything about gambling? It’s not gambling when you know you’re going to win. Counting cards is a foolproof system.
Stu Price: It’s also illegal.
Alan Garner: It’s not illegal, it’s frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane.
Phil Wenneck: I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too.
Alan Garner: Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden.”
“Doug Billings: Either way, you got to be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?
Alan Garner: Oh, really?
Doug Billings: It’s not easy.
Alan Garner: Okay, well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a ri-tard.
Stu Price: What?
Alan Garner: He was a ri-tard.
[pauses, figures out what Alan is saying and corrects him]
Doug Billings: Retard.”
“[checking in at Caesar’s Palace]
Stu Price: We have a reservation under Dr. Price.
Lisa: Okay, let me look that up for you.
Phil Wenneck: Dr. Price? Stu, you’re a dentist, okay? Don’t try and get fancy.
Stu Price: It’s not fancy if it’s true.
Phil Wenneck: [to Lisa] He’s a dentist. Don’t get too excited. And if, uh, someone has a heart attack, you should still call 911.
Lisa: We’ll be sure to do that.”
“Alan Garner: Could I ask you a question? Do you know if the hotel’s pager-friendly?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: I’m not getting a sig’ on my beeper.
Lisa: I’m not sure.
Alan Garner: Is there a payphone bank? Bunch of payphones? Business.
Lisa: Um, there’s a phone in your room…
Alan Garner: That’ll work.”
“Alan Garner: Can I ask you another question?
Alan Garner: You probably get this a lot. This isn’t the real Caesar’s Palace is it?
Lisa: What do you mean?
Alan Garner: Did, um, did Caesar live here?
Lisa: Um, no.
Alan Garner: I didn’t think so.”
“Stu Price: I’m going to propose to Melissa at your wedding. After the ceremony.
Doug Billings: Stuey, congratulations!
Stu Price: Thank you, Doug.
Doug Billings: That’s a beautiful ring.
Stu Price: Yeah. It’s my grandmother’s. She made it all the way through the Holocaust with that thing. It’s legit.”
“Phil Wenneck: Wait, have you not listened to anything I have ever said?
Stu Price: Phil, we’ve been dating for three years. It’s time. This is how it works.
Phil Wenneck: A, that is bullshit. And B, she is a complete bitch.
Doug Billings: Hey, that’s his fiancé.
Phil Wenneck: What? It’s true. It’s true. You know it’s true. She beats him.
Stu Price: That was twice, and I was out of line. She’s strong-willed. And I respect that.
Phil Wenneck: Wow. Wow. He’s in denial. Not to mention, she fucked a sailor.
Doug Billings: Hey, he wasn’t a sailor. He was a bartender on a cruise ship. You know that.
Stu Price: Guys, just, I’m standing right here. So I can hear everything that you’re saying.”
“Alan Garner: Hey, guys. You ready to let the dogs out?
Phil Wenneck: What? Do what?
Alan Garner: Let the dogs out. You know, like “Who let the dogs out? Who, who…”
Phil Wenneck: Who brought this guy along?
Doug Billings: Yes, Alan, we are ready to let the dogs out.”
“Phil Wenneck: You’re not really wearing that, are you?
Alan Garner: Wearing what?
Phil Wenneck: The man-purse. You’re actually going to wear that or are you guys fucking with me?
Alan Garner: It’s where I keep all my things. I get a lot of compliments on this. Plus, it’s not a man-purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Phil Wenneck: So does Joy Behar.”
“Alan Garner: I’d like, uh, I’d like to say something that I prepared tonight.
Doug Billings: Alright, Alan.
Alan Garner: “Hello. How about that ride in? I guess that’s why they call it Sin City. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So were there two, there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug joined in later. And six months ago, when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought, ‘Wait a second. Could it be?’ And now, I know for sure. I just added two more guys to my wolf pack.”
Stu Price: Alright.
Doug Billings: Alright.
Alan Garner: “Four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas looking for strippers and cocaine.” So tonight, I make a toast!
[he pulls out a pen knife and cuts the palm of his hand]”
“[making a toast]
Phil Wenneck: To a night the four of us will never forget!”
“[after seeing a tiger in the bathroom Phil rushes out and falls over Phil who’s sleeping on the floor]
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck? Control yourself, man. Goddamn, will you put on some pants?
Alan Garner: Phil, do not go in the bathroom.
Phil Wenneck: Al, just calm down. It’s me.
Alan Garner: Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom.
Stu Price: What’s going on?
Alan Garner: There’s a jungle cat in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: Okay, okay, Al. Al, I’ll check it out.
Alan Garner: Don’t go in. Don’t go in, don’t go in. Be careful. Don’t, don’t.
[Phil opens the bathroom door and looks inside and quickly shuts the door]
Phil Wenneck: Oh! Holy fuck! He’s not kidding! There’s a tiger in there!
Stu Price: No, there isn’t.
Alan Garner: Yeah! It’s big. Gigantic!”
“Phil Wenneck: Hey, bro? You mind putting on some pants? I find it a little weird I have to ask twice.
Alan Garner: Pants at a time like this? I don’t have any pa…
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck happened last night?”
“Stu Price: Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?
Phil Wenneck: I can’t, oh, shit.
[Phil starts to laugh. Stu picks up a mirrored tray and sees he’s missing a tooth]
Stu Price: Oh, my God. My lateral incisor’s, it’s gone!
Phil Wenneck: It’s okay. Okay, okay. We just need to just calm down. We’re fine. Everything’s fine. Alan, go wake up Doug.
Phil Wenneck: Let’s just get some coffee and get the fuck out of Nevada before housekeeping shows.
Stu Price: What am I going to tell Melissa? I lost a tooth. I have no idea how it happened.
Phil Wenneck: You’re freaking me out, man. I got a massive headache, okay? Let’s just calm down.
Stu Price: How am I supposed to calm down? Look around you.”
“[looking in the mirrored tray at his missing front tooth]
Stu Price: I look like a nerdy hillbilly!”
“[a baby is heard crying]
Stu Price: What the fuck is that?
[Stu, Phil and Alan find the baby in a closet]
Phil Wenneck: Whose fucking baby is that?
Stu Price: Alan, are you sure you didn’t see anyone else in the suite?
Alan Garner: Yeah, I checked all the rooms, no one’s here. Check its collar or something.”
“Phil Wenneck: Stu, we don’t have time for this. Look, let’s go hook up with Doug, and we’ll deal with the baby later.
Stu Price: Phil, we’re not going to leave a baby in the room, there’s a fucking tiger in the bathroom!
Phil Wenneck: It’s not our baby.
Alan Garner: Yeah, I got to side with Stu on this one.”
“Stu Price: Why can’t we remember a goddamn thing from last night?
Phil Wenneck: Because we obviously had a great fucking time.”
“Phil Wenneck: Why don’t you just stop worrying for one minute. Be proud of yourself.
Stu Price: I don’t know, Phil. Maybe it’s because I’m missing a tooth. Or maybe it’s because there’s a tiger in our hotel room, which incidentally is completely destroyed. Oh, no, no, no! Wait, wait, wait. I know, maybe it’s because we found a baby. A human baby. That’s it. That’s it. It’s because we found a fucking baby!
Alan Garner: I don’t think you should curse around a child.
Stu Price: Really, I don’t think you should be around a child.”
“[women gets into the elevator and looks at the baby Alan has strapped in front of him]
Woman in Elevator: Oh, how cute! What’s his name?
Phil Wenneck: Ben.
Alan Garner: Carlos.
[Stu looks at Alan]
Stu Price: Carlos?”
“Alan Garner: Hey Phil, look!
[laughs hysterically while miming the baby masturbating]
Alan Garner: He’s jacking his little weenus!
Phil Wenneck: Pull yourself together, bro.
Alan Garner: Not at the table, Carlos!”
“Stu Price: You know what, guys? I don’t even remember going to dinner.
Phil Wenneck: I know. What the fuck? I don’t think I’ve ever been this hung-over.
Alan Garner: After the Hard Rock, I blacked out. It was like emptiness.
[Alan laughs, Stu looks at him unbelievably]”
“Phil Wenneck: Okay. We have up until 10 p.m., so that gives us a twelve hour window where we could have lost him.
Alan Garner: What is this?
[he hold up a tooth]
Stu Price: Oh, my God! That is my tooth! Why do you have that? What else is in your pockets?”
“[after checking their pockets]
Stu Price: I have an ATM receipt from the Bellagio. Eleven-o-five for eight hundred dollars! I am so fucked!
Alan Garner: I have a valet ticket from Caesars. Looks like we got in at 5.15 a.m.
Phil Wenneck: Oh, shit! We drove last night?
Alan Garner: [laughing] Driving drunk. Classic.
[Stu does a mocking laughter to shut Alan up]”
“Alan Garner: What’s on your arm?
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck is that?
Stu Price: Jesus, Phil. You were in the hospital last night.
Phil Wenneck: I guess so, yeah.
Alan Garner: You okay?
Phil Wenneck: [sarcastically] Yeah, Alan. I’m fine.
Stu Price: What the hell is going on?
Phil Wenneck: No, Stu, Stu, this is a good thing. We have a lead now.”
“Stu Price: So, uh, are you sure you’re qualified to be taking care of that baby?
Alan Garner: What are you talking about? I’ve found a baby before.
Stu Price: You found a baby before?
Alan Garner: Yeah.
Stu Price: Where?
Alan Garner: Coffee Bean.
Stu Price: Wait, what?”
“Stu Price: Uh, guys? Check it out.
[they all look up to see workmen trying to remove a mattress that’s been put through the arm of one of the statues on the roof of the hotel]
Alan Garner: Is that the mattress from Doug’s room?
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck?
[walking up to a hotel guest]
Phil Wenneck: Hey, what, what’s going on?
Hotel Guest: Some asshole threw his bed out the window last night.
Stu Price: No shit.
Hotel Guest: Yeah. Some guys just can’t handle Vegas.
[Stu does a fake laugh]
Stu Price: Oh God.
Phil Wenneck: It’s going to be okay, Stu. How the hell did we manage that?”
“[as Stu opens the car door he accidentally hits the baby strapped in front of Alan]
Stu Price: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! You just nailed the baby.
Alan Garner: Are my glasses okay?
Stu Price: Your glasses are fine, dick.”
“Stu Price: This is so illegal.
Phil Wenneck: Can’t you see the fun part in anything?
Stu Price: Yeah, we’re stuck in traffic in a stolen police car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back seat. Which part of this is fun?”
“Phil Wenneck: Check this out.
[Phil turns on the siren on the police car and starts driving on the sidewalk]
Stu Price: Oh, no. No, Phil! Phil! Don’t do this!
Phil Wenneck: Take it easy.
Stu Price: Just try to call more attention to us.
[using the loudspeaker]
Phil Wenneck: Attention.
[to the people on the sidewalk]
Stu Price: Sorry!
Phil Wenneck: Attention, please. Will you move out of the way. I repeat, please disperse.
Stu Price: Phil, stop the car, I want to get out. Stop. Stop the car, I want to get out. Pull over.”
“[while driving a police car on the sidewalk and using the loudspeaker]
Phil Wenneck: Ma’am, in the leopard dress, you have an amazing rack.
Stu Price: Get off the sidewalk! Get off the sidewalk!
Phil Wenneck: I should have been a fucking cop.”
“[after the doctor has told them why they were in the hospital last night]
Dr. Valsh: Guys, I really got to go. I’m sorry. I have a surgery up on the fourth floor.
[he washes his hands]
Phil Wenneck: No, I know. But we just need a couple more minutes of your time.
[Phil pulls out some money, the doctor looks at it]
Dr. Valsh: Yeah. Tuck it right in there. I don’t want to re-sterilize.”
“[reading from Phil’s patient chart]
Dr. Valsh: Okay, here we go. Patient name, Phil Wenneck, 2:45 a.m. arrival. Minor concussion, like I said. Some bruising. Pretty standard.
Stu Price: Do you mind if I take look? I’m actually a doctor.
Dr. Valsh: Yeah, you said that several times last night. But really, you’re just a dentist.”
“Dr. Valsh: Okay, this is interesting. Your blood work came in this morning. Wow! They found a large amount of Ruphylin in your system.
Phil Wenneck: Ru…?
Dr. Valsh: Ruphylin. Roofies. Commonly known as the date-rape drug.
Phil Wenneck: What are you saying, I was raped last night?
Dr. Valsh: Actually, I don’t think so. But someone did slip you the drug. I’m not surprised you don’t remember anything.
Alan Garner: [laughing] Doc, none of us can remember anything from last night. Remember?
Phil Wenneck: Yeah. How could someone have drugged all of us?
Dr. Valsh: Look, I wouldn’t worry about it, guys. By now the stuffs out of your system. You’re going to be fine.”
“Dr. Valsh: You kept talking about some wedding that you just came from. At the, uh, Best Little Chapel. You guys kept saying how sick the wedding was and getting all crazy about it. Okay, I hope this helps, fellas. I really have to leave.
Phil Wenneck: But you know what? Best Little Chapel, do you know where that is?
Dr. Valsh: I do. It’s at the corner of ‘Get A Map and Fuck Off’. I’m a doctor, not a tour guide. Figure it out yourself, okay? You’re big boys.”
“[at The Best Little Chapel]
Eddie Palermo: [referring to Stu] Listen to me, I’m going to tell you something. I know some sick people in my life. This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life!
Phil Wenneck: Who, this guy?
[pointing to Stu]
Eddie Palermo: This guy is out of his mind. What’s going on, you fucking crazy motherfucker? I thought he was going to eat my dick.
“Stu Price: Is there anything you can tell us about what may have happened last night?
Eddie Palermo: You don’t remember nothing?
[looking at a small wedding album that has pictures of Stu after just getting married]
Alan Garner: Congratulations, Stu, you gotten married.
Stu Price: This can’t be happening. Oh, God! Look at that.
[flipping through the photos in album]
Phil Wenneck: I’ll tell you one thing, you look seriously happy here, man.
Stu Price: That’s it. My life is over.
Phil Wenneck: Stu, it’s okay. Look, shit happens. Come on. Melissa’s not going to know anything about this. This never happened. I’ll take care of it.”
“Phil Wenneck: Her name’s Jade?
Eddie Palermo: Yeah, and she’s beautiful, man. Clean, very tight. Tits like that. But that’s because she had a baby.
Phil Wenneck: That explains the baby.”
“Phil Wenneck: Uh, Eddie, here’s the deal. We made a major mistake last night. We need to get this marriage annulled immediately. You do annulments?
Eddie Palermo: Of course I do annulments. It breaks my heart and going to make me sad, but you know, it’s no problem. I’m going to do a very good price for you. I can’t do it with just him, though. I need, I need the chick. I need both parties.”
“Stu Price: Then I vote we torch the cop car and all this shit with it.
Phil Wenneck: Torch it? Who are you?
Stu Price: I don’t know, Phil. Apparently I’m a guy who marries complete strangers. This whole situation is completely fucked. These mugs. This hat.
[he takes the baseball cap with Stu and Jade’s wedding photo off of Alan’s head]
Alan Garner: Hey!
Stu Price: This car. It’s all evidence of a night that never happened. That is why we’re torching all of it.
Phil Wenneck: Whoa, whoa, whoa! I’m a schoolteacher, I got a family, okay? I’m all for secrecy, but I’m not going to torch a fucking cop car.
Stu Price: Fine. I’ll do it.
Alan Garner: Can I help?
Stu Price: Yeah, thanks.”
Alan Garner: It’d be so cool if I could breast-feed, you know?”
“[the baby starts to cry when Stu is on the phone to Melissa]
Melissa: What the fuck, Stu? Is that a baby?
Stu Price: Why would there be a baby? We’re at a winery. That’s a goat.”
“[after getting away from two guys attacking their car outside The Best Little Chapel]
Alan Garner: Who were those guys?
[Stu tries to calm the crying baby beside him in back seat]
Stu Price: We’re going to be okay. Everything’s going to be okay, alright.
[screaming to Phil and Alan in the front seat]
Stu Price: What the fuck is going on?!
Phil Wenneck: I have no idea.
[Stu’s cell phone rings he looks at it knowing it’s Melissa]
Phil Wenneck: Why don’t you just let that one go to voicemail?
Stu Price: [sarcastically] Ha-ha-ha! That’s a fake laugh, by the way.”
“Alan Garner: It’s got, uh, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor.
Stu Price: Shut up, Alan!”
“Jade: What the hell happened to you guys?
Phil Wenneck: Actually, we were hoping you could tell us.
Jade: What do you mean? I got up this morning, I went to get you guys all coffee and I came back and you were gone.
Jade: Why are you being so quiet?
Stu Price: I’m not being quiet.
Jade: Ha, ha. You’re so cute. Here, I got to feed Tyler. Come inside, you guys.
Alan Garner: Did you hear that? Baby’s name is Tyler.
Phil Wenneck: Yeah. I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud.”
“Phil Wenneck: Right, Jade, uh…
[clears his throat]
Phil Wenneck: You remember our friend, Doug?
Jade: Are you kidding? He was the best man at our wedding.
Phil Wenneck: Exactly. Well, we can’t find him, and we’re getting a little worried.
Jade: Oh, my God! That is so Doug. Ha, ha.
[Stu notices the ring on Jade’s wedding finger and spit his drink out onto the baby]
[the baby starts to cry]
Jade: Oh, sweetie. I’m going to go clean him off.
[to the baby]
Jade: It’s alright, Daddy didn’t mean it.”
“Stu Price: Oh, my God!
Phil Wenneck: What the fuck, man. You got to hold it together.
Stu Price: Holy shit!
Phil Wenneck: She’s super hot. You should be proud of yourself.
Stu Price: She’s wearing my grandmother’s ring!
Phil Wenneck: What?
Stu Price: The ring I’m going to give to Melissa. You remember, my grandmother’s Holocaust ring?
Phil Wenneck: Fuck!
Stu Price: She’s wearing it.
Phil Wenneck: Okay.
Alan Garner: I didn’t know they gave out rings at the Holocaust.”
“Memories of last night manifested slowly from the back of her brain, every new detail hammering her heart like a war drum: the flowers, the vodka, the persistent dream-like sensation, the closet, the outline of a stranger, the sex… and, most gut-wrenching of all, the sudden realization that he might still be here.”
“When Quoyle leaned forward the twin spears of the headache threatened to dislodge his eyes.”
“The last thing he wanted after a hellish night like this one was some blasted day coming along and barging about the place.”
“And didst thou imbibe mighty potions from the fruit of the grape (…)? And hast thou one Ache, this morning (…) appertaining unto Head, and much repentance in thy Soul forsooth?”
“She decided to make salmon baked in a touch of olive oil, topped with pine nuts, and served over spinach flash-fried in the salmon-and-olive-oil drippings. She added brown rice that she had slow-boiled with the herb hawthorn. Just as she finished, Cordelia arrived with a woman she had found standing in the sidewalk out front.
“My husband has high blood pressure,” she explained, negotiating the stairs down into Portia’s apartment with care. “He’s never happy with anything I make for supper, so I should tell you that you probably don’t have anything that will work for me.”
Cordelia took a look at the meal, raised an eyebrow at Portia, and then turned to the woman. “This is the perfect meal for your husband’s high blood pressure. Fish oil, nuts, hawthorn, whole grains.”
Next, a pumpkin pie went to a woman who couldn’t sleep.
“Pie?” she asked in a doubtful tone.
“Pumpkin,” Portia clarified, “is good for insomnia.”
An apricot crumble spiced with cloves and topped with oats and brown sugar went to a woman drawn with stress. Then a man walked through the door, shoulders slumped. Cordelia and Olivia eyed him for a second.
“I know the feeling,” Olivia said, and fetched him a half gallon of the celery and cabbage soup Portia had found herself preparing earlier.
The man peered into the container, grew a tad queasier, and said, “No thanks.”
“Do you or don’t you have a hangover?” Olivia demanded, then drew a breath. “Really,” she added more kindly. “Eat this and you’ll feel better.”
He came back the next day for more.
“Cabbage is no cure for drinking too much,” Cordelia told him.
He just shrugged and slapped down his money for two quarts of soup instead of one.”
“I’d wake in the morning, my head fuzzy, sometimes with someone I knew but who was a stranger just leaving, and realize I was one day closer to the end of it all.”
“Headaches are for sloths as hangovers for drunks.”
“It was raining again the next morning, a slanting gray rain like a swung curtain of crystal beads. I got up feeling sluggish and tired and stood looking out of the windows, with a dark, harsh taste of Sternwoods still in my mouth. I was as empty of life as a scarecrow’s pockets. I went out to the kitchenette and drank two cups of black coffee. You can have a hangover from other things than alcohol. I had one from women.”
“Every morning, my hangover feels like being born again. My head throbs, like being squeezed and pushed out, fists trembling, throat grunting and wailing in protest of the light, screaming for the comfort of warm, dark silence.”
“Jane admitted, ‘I drank too much wine last night … I know not how else to account for the shaking of my hand to day.”
“Tally really didn’t have the strength to explain that she’d really meant her hangover, which was sprawled in her head like an overweight cat, sullen and squishy and disinclined to budge.”
“Ash, if you must play avenging angel, could you do it a bit quieter? I’ve got this awful headache.”
“The tranquilizers he had been given had worn off, leaving him with a drug hangover and a bitter grudge against the entire world.”
“This can’t be the hangover that all the films talk about. It just can’t. It’s too terrible. If this is the result of drinking, then why would anyone bother?”
“At least he could turn on the shower, stand beneath the hot needles, face thrust near the spray head, feeling the headache move back a little.”
“Mardi Gras in Cuba was one of the most uninhibited festivals I have ever witnessed. Although I do not condone the criminal elements that existed behind the festive atmosphere, I dove into the sweeping pleasures without guilt. At my age, life was to be lived, and live it I did! Most of the people surrounding me, on the packed streets of Havana, came from the United States. It also seemed that half of the Miami Police Force was there for these unrestrained festivities.
Perhaps the excesses I witnessed are to be criticized, but it was all fun and well beyond my imagination. Everything was new and extremely exciting at the time. The many beautiful girls, who were said to have been exploited, certainly were as caught up in the euphoria as we were and enjoyed the moment every bit as much as we did. The decorated cars and beautiful floats with girls and guys waving, were followed by people dancing to the loud Latin beat. The jubilant parade wound its way along the coastal route to the Avenida Maceo, having started from the wide boulevard Calle G or Avenida de los Presidentes. Crowds of tourists and other revelers laughed and cheered. Smaller, but every bit as intense, were celebrations on other main streets such as Calle Neptuno. Everyone had a great time, and thanks to our officers, even our available time ashore was extended by an hour. I don’t think that it was abused by anyone, but the next day we were all tired and nursing hangovers.”
“… I should wish to add, as a tribute to the great merits of your lordship’s cellar, that, although I was obliged to drink a somewhat large quantity both of the Cockburn ’68 and the 1800 Napoleon I feel no headache or other ill effects this morning.
Trusting that your lordship is deriving real benefit from the country air, and that the little information I have been able to obtain will prove satisfactory, I remain,
With respectful duty to all the family, their ladyships,
“Y’know,” said Lord Peter thoughtfully to himself, “I sometimes think Mervyn Bunter’s pullin’ my leg.”
“By drinking, a boy acts like a man. After drinking, many a man acts like a boy.”
“The gears of narcissism propel the dictator and how tempting it is to shift them into overdrive while drunk on power. The genocidal hangover comes later.”
“Gossip and drama are different stages of the same intoxication… the first is the buzz; the latter is the hangover.”
“Alan Campbell opened one eye.
From somewhere in remote distances, muffled beyond sight or sound, his soul crawled back painfully, through subterranean corridors, up into his body again. Toward the last it moved to a cacophony of hammers and lights.
Then he was awake.
The first eye was bad enough. But, when he opened his second eye, such as rush of anguish flowed through his brain that he hastily closed them again.”
“How do I feel today? I feel as unfit as an unfiddle,
And it is the result of a certain turbulence in the mind and an uncertain burbulence in the middle.
What was it, anyway, that angry thing that flew at me?
I am unused to banshees crying Boo at me.
Your wife can’t be a banshee—
Or can she?”
“Dixon was alive again. Consciousness was upon him before he could get out of the way; not for him the slow, gracious wandering from the halls of sleep, but a summary, forcible ejection. He lay sprawled, too wicked to move, spewed up like a broken spider-crab on the tarry shingle of morning. The light did him harm, but not as much as looking at things did; he resolved, having done it once, never to move his eyeballs again. A dusty thudding in his head made the scene before him beat like a pulse. His mouth had been used as a latrine by some small creature of the night, and then as its mausoleum. During the night, too, he’d somehow been on a cross-country run and then been expertly beaten up by secret police. He felt bad.”
“Well, I drank enough to sustain a small Spanish village, I haven’t had an orgasm in a thousand years, and I will probably die old and alone in a beautifully designed apartment with all of Clive’s illegitimate children swarming around me…How do you think I feel?”
“The sky was pure opal now.”
and I still don’t know which month it was then
or what day it is now.
Blurred out lines
lost to love.”