150+ Steven Wright Quotes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

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Steven Wright quotes that will make you laugh out loud. There are days when you need to read a few quotes to really understand the meaning of life and work. There are quotes that are spoken by many famous people from various backgrounds and professions and these will surely help you in many ways. There are so many Steven Wright quotes that can help you when you are tired of being in the same old rut, and all you need is a little push, a little inspiration and these quotes will give you just that as they have been spoken by wise people. Luckily, the internet is full of amazing Steven Wright quotes that will make you look at life through new eyes. These Steven Wright quotes will help make your day and you will feel better about yourself, your job and your life.

Steven Wright was born on December 6, in the year, 1955 and she is a very famous actor, stand-up comedian, film producer and a writer. Steven Wright is well-known for his lethargic voice and his philosophical and slow delivery of ironic, nonsensical jokes. Steven Wright is also known for his non-sequiturs, paraprosdokians, one-liners and anti-humour.

Steven Wright had been ranked as the 15th Greatest Comedian by Rolling Stone in the list of 50 Greatest Stand-up Comics. Steven Wright’s accolades includes the Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for producing and writing the short movie, The Appointments of Dennis Jennings in the year, 1988 and two Primetime Emmy Awards nominations as well.

Steven Wright had then studied at Middlesex Community College in Bedford for two years for getting his associate’s degree, and then Steven Wright had continued his education at Emerson College. Steven Wright had completed his graduation from Emerson in the year, 1978 and had started performing stand-up comedy by the next year at the Comedy Connection.

So many personalities across the world have spoken words of wisdom and these have become household quotes in schools and homes. Steven Wright quotes have helped many across the world who have been looking for inspiration and motivation.  Steven Wright has been quoted saying a lot of wise things that have surprised many because of his high level of intellect and method of thinking. As you go through these Steven Wright quotes, you will become a new person and will realise what life is really all about. The phrasing of the statements contributes to a lot to the effectiveness of the quotes and a study conducted in the year, 2000 had proven that when people were shown two statements of the same saying, the participants said that preferred the rhyming aphorism quotes.Steven Wright quotes are just like these so you will surely love them.

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Steven Wright has really been through a lot of situations in life and so, these quotes crop up form real life experiences. Steven Wright quotes have been said after many years of experience and struggles and so you can always apply them to your life and your situations and try and make a better future for yourself. These Steven Wright quotes will help you in renewing your spirit and mind in ways you have never imagined. As you scroll down the page and read these Steven Wright quotes, be ready to see a new you, because these quotes are more than just words, they are magic and the truth of life that will change the way you think. So, here we have for you some Steven Wright quotes which will paint a new picture of life for you.

“Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”

Steven Wright Popular Quotes

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.”

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”

“I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”

“I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.”

“I saw a bank that said ’24 Hour Banking,’ but I didn’t have that much time.”

“How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?”

“If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”

“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”

“If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?”

“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ‘woman.”

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?”

“I had amnesia once or twice.”

“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

“Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

“I’m a peripheral visionary.”

“What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”

“I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.”

“Cross-country skiing is fine as long as you live in a small country.”

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.”

“Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.”

“My school colors were clear. We used to say, ‘I’m not naked, I’m in the band.”

“I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.”

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, ‘Where the hell is my roof?”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.”

“You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re reading, reading… and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m like that all the time.”

“Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?”

“Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.”

“Light travels faster than sound. Isn’t that why people appear bright before you hear them speak? ”

“Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.”

“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, ‘Happy Birthday.”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”

“What happens if you get scared half to death twice?”

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

“Did you sleep well?”
“No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

“If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?”

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”

“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.”

“I named my dog Stay, so I can say, ‘Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!”

“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

“Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?”

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

“Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

“A metaphor is like a simile.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, ‘The whole time.”

“When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”

“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.”

“Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

“What is the speed of dark?”

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, “Do I know you?”

“Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”

“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”

“I’m so tired… I was up all night trying to round off infinity.”

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

“I can levitate birds. No one cares.”

“You can’t have everything … where would you put it?”

“All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”

“If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?”

“Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?”

“Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.”

“Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I’m unfamiliar with… just to screw with my subconscious.”

“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it’s going to be up all night.”

“In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, ‘Cut it out.’”

“Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ‘4’s’?”

“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”

“How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”

“You know when you’re sitting on a chair and you lean back so you’re just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time…”

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too? ”

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, ‘If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

“What a nice night for an evening.”

“If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”

“My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.”

“If God dropped acid, would he see people?”

“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”

“Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world ‘Up Over’?”

“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

“What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?”

“What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?”

“How young can you die of old age?”

“Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?”

“It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.”

“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

“Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?”

“I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.”

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

“How can there be self-help groups?”

“I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.”

“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.”

“Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, ‘So, what did you think?”

“Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”

“Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!”

“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, ‘Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”

“Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?”

“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

“You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.”

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?”

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

“It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.”

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.”

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

“If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

“How do you get off a non-stop flight?”

“Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”

“The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse who gets the cheese.”

“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”

“Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film.”

“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”

“If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”

“What’s another word for thesaurus?”

“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”

“The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.”

“When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.”

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”

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